I am many things. . .

One of those things is an uncle. Between my three siblings (2 older and 1 younger), I now have 8 nieces and nephews. My siblings seem to think it's fun to name their children strangely so it takes me a while to remember them all, but I can do it.

1. Michael Gabriel (Brother)
2. Aubriella Braelyn (Older sister)
3. Rebecca Lynn (Brother)
4. Kaia Avalon (Older sister)
5. Aiden Ryker (Older sister)
6. Emily Jo De-lyte (Brother)
7. Taylee Rose (Older sister)

And the newest addition to the family:

8. Payton Brooke (Little sister)

She is the only one I have yet to see in person. She was also born with lots of health complications, but you could never tell it by looking at her. I'm told she's quite delightful in person. Must take after her favorite uncle. . . 

Resolutions

A friend of mine put up a Facebook status right before New Years that read, "I'm not a fan of New Year's resolutions. Why do we wait to make changes once a year? Jesus is our personal savior and it's always the right time to turn towards Him." While I appreciated his sentiment, I'm not entirely sure I agree with my friend. You see, it's like Easter. I should focus on Christ's Resurrection year round, but sometimes I get bogged down by the things around me and I push the miraculous means of my salvation to the back of my mind. Things like Lent, Palm Sunday, and Easter Sunday draw me back to the truth of my salvation. I think New Years is the same way. Yes, I can make life changes whenever I want because Christ is always with me, but that doesn't mean I don't need a reminder every once in a while. Life can get messy and cluttered; it's easy to lose sight of the little things.

All that to say, I want to make my resolutions public so I can be better held accountable. There are some personal goals that will remain between me and a few close friends, but a couple are best served being made public.

1. I want to be better about expressing what I'm really feeling. I am a people pleaser and I will often hide my true feelings because I don't want to let people know they've hurt me or let me down. I will also refrain from giving ideas if I think it will upset someone.

What it looks like: Being proactive. Sharing my feelings and opinions without being forced. One step further, seeking out those important friends and mentors in my life and sharing of my own accord. A sub-goal under this is to blog more. I've found blogging is a great way to process what I'm feeling. The written word has a power all its own. I don't think I want to set a strict limit, but I was thinking somewhere around 3-4 days a week, depending on what is going on in life.

2. I want to become more disciplined.

This is a very broad goal, but I do have several specific areas in mind.

A. I want to get better about spending alone time with the Lord.
B. I want to have healthier habits.
      i. Going to bed at a respectable time.
      ii. Eating healthier.
      iii. Being more active.
      iv. Seeking out friends when I'm feeling sad or lonely.
C. Being on time to things rather than "only a few minutes late."
D. Stop procrastinating on things for my job or at school.
E. Finally graduate.
F. Being intentional about seeking out God's will for my future rather than sitting back and expecting it to come to me.

So those are my resolutions for this year. Please call me out on them if you feel I'm failing.

I've talked about Kate Cook before and I will likely do so again. She was my NSO leader freshman year and we've since become friends. She's one of the wisest and most mature people I've ever met and she's only a year older than me. I don't know how she does it. Anyway, I was talking to her about the recent going-ons in my life and she gave me a lot of good advice. I don't have time to go into all of it, but one line in her letter stuck out to me so I'd like to share it with all of you. She was speaking specifically to relationships, but I feel like it can be applied to really any area of life. This, too, has become one of my goals for this year:

"Be the kind of man who deserves a woman you couldn't imagine deserving and she'll find you. God will bring her to you."

Follow up.

I feel like I should apologize for both the last post and this post in advance. I've noticed that I have a hard time focusing of late and that can lead to some pretty incoherent word vomit.

Today I talked to the girl previously referred to about my feelings. I apologized for acting out of jealousy and just explained where I was coming from. I told her I knew she didn't have feelings for me and that she wasn't looking for a relationship and that I was okay with it, but that I hadn't shared my feelings because I didn't want her to end our friendship. She thanked me for my honesty, apologized about having no feelings for me, and assured me we could still be friends. I'm actually encouraged by the conversation, as much of a bummer as it is to know my feelings aren't reciprocated. I was ready to leave when she threw a wrench in the conversation by saying, "I don't understand why you're attracted to me anyways. I feel like I'm not your type." I asked her to explain herself and she said she's "too mean." I just kind of laughed at it and left. I had a lot to say about it, but I didn't see how it was helpful in that time or place.

I guess I'm just confused because every time we talk about this subject she defends herself. She first says she has no feelings for me but then adds something like the above or that she's not "churchy" enough to be my type. It's happened over and over and it confuses me. Why does she feel the need to defend herself to me? Why doesn't she just plain say, "I have no feelings for you." and be done with? Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but every time she does this it seems to me that she's either trying to justify herself or convince herself that she really doesn't have feelings. She's entitled to feel however she wants, she doesn't need to justify herself to me. As much as it would sting, it would be better for me if she'd just say she doesn't like me and then let it drop. However, if she is just trying to convince herself she doesn't like me, I have a problem with that.

But, I don't want to read into things that aren't there or probe into things that are none of my business. I don't know if I should let it drop or address it with her. I really don't want to mess up this friendship but I have a feeling it's going to keep nagging me. Why do relationships have to be so hard and confusing?

(On a completely unrelated note, I only posted 13 times last year. That's kind of embarrassing. :-/ )

Oopsie

I've discovered I am really good at discovering problems in my life and saying I'll talk about them and then forgetting to. I really need to get better at that. There's a lot going on that I'd like to write about, that'll need to wait for tonight. I am currently undergoing a struggle that I want to talk about now though.

Most people have heard the saying, "Burning with anger/hatred." I understand how that's possible. I didn't know it was possible to burn with jealousy. I'm not really the jealous type. I'm generally too laid back to get jealous. Not to say there isn't healthy jealousy. If you're significant other is getting hit on by someone else, I think it's okay to show a little possessiveness; it shows you care. However, this is not that kind of jealousy.

There's a girl I like. We've been friends for a while, not friends for a while, but are currently friends again. It's been weird discovering I like her, but that's a story for another time. We met when we were both going through some relationship trouble. I had just been broken up with and she had just broken off an engagement. It was great having someone to talk to about the pain of that loss of relationship. Anyway, I was browsing some Facebook photos the other day and I saw one of her kissing her ex-fiance and I instantly felt my ears burning. I didn't understand why I would be jealous of something that happened so long ago, something I knew about too, it's not like it was shock.

Since then, it's happened a few other times, usually when she makes plans with other people, not me. I don't like being jealous. I don't like that it affects me this much. I would like to figure out how to stop it, but I'm not sure. Talking with her may be the best option, but that's pretty daunting. I hate not knowing what to do. :-(