My Online Dating Experience

So a year ago, I signed up for eHarmony out of a mix of frustration, curiosity, and a lost bet. I was very hesitant because I had not heard of a lot of people actually using it and it did cost a fair chunk of change (especially since I was still at Jimmy Johns at that point). Over the course of the past year, I never found true love, but I did learn quite a bit about myself and relationships in general.

One of the most frustrating things about online dating is the necessity to provide accurate and descriptive information about one's beliefs in the (very minimal) amount of characters proscribed. If you know me at all, you'll know that I greatly enjoy details and explanations so it's very hard for me to write these kinds of descriptions (I also hate writing about myself in any way that can be considered boasting, but that's another point entirely). Over the year of communicating with matches and profile editing, I got a good chance to sit and think about my opinion on a number of widespread subjects such as religion, family, gender roles, activities, work, hobbies, etc....

I could spend hours writing about everything I learned, but that's not exactly why I wanted to write tonight. Tonight, I want to share the two most important things that happened this year. The first is the affirmation I got from those close to me. I maybe told 6 people all year about it, but their support was beyond positive into the realm of bizarre: I never expected them to be so okay with it. The last people I told was my parents and they weren't surprised at all. My mom went so far as to compare it to their relationship. They met once in August, wrote letters and called back and forth, and were married in December. eHarmony (and other dating sites) are just virtualizations of their story. The second thing I wanted to share is actually the reason I became committed in the first place.

As my year was about up (and I don't think I'll renew the subscription) I wanted to read the personality profile one last time. This profile is pretty much a personality test on steroids, focused on how you behave in different types of relationships. As I read through the profile, I was shocked about how accurate the descriptions were. In fact, the first person I confided in was a good friend who I thought knew my personality well and I just wanted some feedback. Anyway, long story short, I was reading through the book and the very first page stuck out to me again. It's something I've thought about a lot but still need to get better at. So, I think I'll leave you with the passage: a little insight into my (very confused) relational personality.

(Emphasis added)

“No one notices, no one knows except you and the person in front of you, and that’s just fine with you. You don’t get called to the front of the class or singled out at award ceremonies as ‘the person who really cares’. You just do it, quietly and consistently, without drawing attention to yourself. More than most people, you know how to listen carefully and speak honestly to whatever another person needs from you. 

You’ve probably discovered what not everyone else learns: when you focus on the other person, at some point the other person will reciprocate and you’ll get your turn to be the center of attention. You need a bit of that, as most people do. But that’s not why you are such a good listener or such an attentive friend. You pay close attention to the person in front of you because that’s who you are: someone who genuinely cares.

Another thing: you are not a faultfinder. You don’t listen carefully in order to find the flaws in a person’s character or behavior. You don’t get into that relational seesaw game of putting them down in order to prop up your own sense of worth. When you care for someone the offer is genuine; it’s about them, not about you.

You do have your own needs in even these most intimate relationships, with your few closest friends and your partner. At times you want them to stop talking and start listening, to let the conversation move from your laser-like focus on them to at least a heart-felt if not so laser-like focus on you.

Before you run out of energy in caring for others, you need to restore your own sense of wellbeing in the relationship. Not most of the time, but at least a bit of the time. The hard part for you is asking for this. You are much more comfortable as the giver than as the receiver, much more likely to ask, ‘What’s up with you?’ than to say, ‘Hey, I need to tell you what’s going on with me.’

Maybe some friends have disappointed you in the past, and were not nearly as interested in you as in them. But you don’t need to assume that’s true of the friend now standing in front of you. Perhaps if you gave them the chance they could reciprocate, if not with the same attention you give them then at least with enough attention to give you a chance to be heard. Maybe. And maybe it’s worth a try.

But to be clear again: you’re not looking for the spotlight, and you’re not in these relationships to see how much you can get for yourself out of this other person. Your affection and attention are not tools of deception to suck affirmation from your friends. This is who you are: a person who listens well and cares deeply; your affection and attention are the real thing.”

This is my confession.

So it's been a longgggg time since my last blog. Sadly, not much has changed. It's not that I didn't have things I wanted to talk about, it's just that I'm at the point where there's so much going on it seems hopeless to begin in the first place. Seeing as I've been trying (quite unsuccessfully) to sleep for the past hour or so, I guess now's as good a time as any.

I am not well. In the past two months, only two people (discounting parents {with whom I've been very blessed}) have asked me how I've been and actually meant it. Of those, only one has actually had/taken the time to sit and talk to me about it. And the hard part is, most of the people I'm closest too have good reasons not to be as involved. Shawna's pregnant and commutes 3 hours every day. Matty is headed to Afghanistan. Kyle is in student teaching. Willis has a senior seminar project. Jonathan and I have to maintain a professional (manager-employee) relationship. Kyle, Chris, Jake, Luke, Jared, and Ben are all busy with work, most of them far from Marion and a good few of them married. It's been nearly a year since I've gotten to really talk with Kate. Bethany has a stressful job and a wedding to plan. On top of all that, I could probably win an award for world's worst communicator.

Work can be a stretch some times. I like my coworkers and I have a good time while I'm there. I do enjoy my job and helping people (even the mean and smelly ones) and AT&T takes very good care of me. However, there's no real growth or fellowship there. We joke around all day (almost always at my expense) and then everyone goes their separate ways. All but three of us are married. Greg (whose idea of a good time is picking up a random chick and getting wasted), Tyler (who comes over often to play games or watch a movie, neither of which are deeply meaningful), and myself. Most of the others are content talking about work and then going home to their families. My saving grace is Kim. She's an older woman who treats me like a grandchild and it's great. During breaks we'll sit and actually talk about life and how one another is doing (as much as work permits, which sadly isn't much). However, we only get to work 2 days a week together at most.

Being part time, I do get three days off, but these are probably the worst for me of the entire week. During these three days, I may or may not talk to another human being. If I'm lucky, I remember to eat more than once. Most of my time is spent numbing myself with video games or thinking about all of my faults and mistakes. And of course, a mixture of pride and shame keeps me from actually telling anyone about it. I'm very good at hinting about it, but either no one picks it up or no one cares. I'm quite sure it's the first (I can be very subtle when I want), but that doesn't mean my mind won't automatically assume the latter.

I need others. I know I'm designed that way, yet it's so hard for me to actually reach out. Years of being turned down or left behind have trained me to stop trying. Being muted or ignored one to many times has taken it's toll. In the past year, I've probably talked more about feelings with an ex than anyone else. That's definitely not healthy (especially considering she's married).

So this is my confession: I'm tired, I'm lonely, and, as always, I am my own biggest critic. I need people, but I never ask for help.

If you've made it this far and you were mentioned above, know I have no ill will towards you, nor is this meant to guilt you into talking to me. I have been frustrated (mostly with myself) and needed to get it out there. Hopefully now I'll be able to sleep and move forward tomorrow.

Good night world.