Bleh

That's pretty much how I've felt about life the past couple of weeks. This is my promise to try and get better at sharing my feelings again. I don't have much for now except that pictures can be both great and terrible at the same time. Just a little teaser for ya.

What would you tell the world?

It's a question I've been pondering lately. It really is a deep question with many implications to it. Surely a question so simple should not have an answer so complex. But it does. How does one define oneself in a statement? Be it 200 words or 200 pages, how does a man capture who he is into words?

But I think it is also a freeing question. To imagine we had the attention of all those around us and to know they were truly listening is quite empowering. With this attention, an eloquent man or woman could sway millions. With this attention, wars may be ended and wrongs may be righted. Surely that is a noble thought and one that most any of us would wish for. And yet, I think there is an even greater purpose this question can serve. If a man can answer this question, a man can be free.

With the attention of all, a woman could explain who she really was. With the freedom to speak truly, a man could cast off the chains of doubt, regret, failure, and lies. Speaking ones mind seems to have a freeing and calming power that not many other actions can accomplish. To speak and be not only heard but understood and appreciated as well, that is a gift and a power that can never be taken away.

So think on that. If you had the freedom, what would you tell the world? It's let me put a lot of things in perspective and freed up my mind in several areas. Hopefully it will be helpful for you as well.

As I said, this questions elicits quite the long answer. I'm not completely sure what my answer would be, but I have begun to form a response which I would like to share with you, in part at least. Given the proper stage and opportunity, this is what I'd like to share with the world:

"I am a helper and I am a carer. I am the man you can call at 3 in the morning with whatever problems you have. I am the man who will loan you money or possessions and never ask for them back. I will stay awake, travel any distance, and cancel whatever plans necessary to help out my friends. I am the man who will carry you until I can no longer stand, until I can no longer crawl, and until I can no longer move. I deserve to be treated kindly and thanked for my deeds and dedication, but I know it will not be so.

I will be ridiculed, mocked, taken advantage of, and walked all over by friends and enemies alike, but I will keep my head high and my sights set on my true purpose. I will slip up, I will become upset, and I will sometimes forget to turn the other cheek, but I know my faith in Him will bring me back to the right path. Every time I fall or am knocked over, He will help me rise again to continue on.

I trust and I am loyal. I will take you at your word until you show me your word is no good. I will trust when I should not and I will hurt when I am inevitably wronged. I will hurt, but I will forgive. Everyone deserves a second chance. And a third. And a fourth. And however many it takes until they get it right. I will hurt, but I will not falter. Some would call this trust a fault, but I will not listen. I am here to serve and that is what I will do. Until I have nothing left to give, until I have no time left to be spent, and until I have no energy left to move, I will serve.

I will be tired, I will be physically, emotionally, and spiritually spent, I will be sad at times, I will be lonely at times, and I will be hurt at times, but I will always be content.

Forgive me when I slip up and cheer me when I am sad. Use me. Call on me. Let me carry you when you are weary. For I am a servant, and I would have it no other way."

I wonder what it's like...?

I think that's a question we ask ourselves (in some variation) many times in our lives, probably even daily. What's it like to drive that car? What's it like to own those clothes? What's it like to be a boy/girl (depending on your current gender)? I wonder what it would be like to live in Europe? I wonder what being homeless is like?

Lately I've found myself thinking, "I wonder what it's like to be wanted." Which brings me back a lot to my last post. It's great in those brief instances where someone shows me I'm valued, but what about the rest of the time? What about the times I'm in my house alone, staring at my phone just wishing someone, anyone, would try to talk to me? Or the times I'm on Facebook, seeing how much more eventful and seemingly wonderful all of my friends' lives are, only to discover the last person to post something on my wall or send me an email was January 31st? Technology is great, but it has a habit of lowering my self-esteem when no one's using it to contact me.

The past four weekends, I've had the privilege of attending training for my new job at AT&T. I was in the training with nine other people. Each day, we had a nine hour class and then we all went out to eat and have fellowship. I met some pretty great people and we became quick friends. With the end of our training, we've still kept in pretty close contact, usually sounding off every night with how our day was at work and how we're doing personally. I love these times a lot, but, at the same time, it continues to make me sad. How come I can keep in close contact with people I've literally seen 8 times in my entire life, but people I've lived with for years, shared life with, cried with, and grown with, why am I lucky to get a message from them once every month or two (usually after my prompting)?

What's it like to be wanted, to have your presence matter? What's it like to know that you're on someone's mind, to know that, even if they're busy, someone wishes they could talk to you and find out how you're really doing? I miss the days when I knew someone cared more than just the times they ran into me. People say all the time, "Oh, I was just thinking about you." or "I was wondering how you were." But time and again I find myself wondering, are they just saying that? Do they mean it or are they just being polite? I certainly haven't seen any evidence to support their claims. We're the "show me" generation, we believe actions speak louder than words. You say you miss me and care about me, but what have you done to show me?

It's just a bummer to have things backfire time and time again. My friendships fall through. The hand I extend is either neglected or slapped aside. Facebook makes it worse. Interested in someone? Log on to see who they really care about. Certain people cause you grief whenever you see or hear about them? Good news, they all just became friends so they can rub your loneliness in your face. Things a little tough for you right now? Don't worry, here are tons of pictures of all the fun things all of your old friends are doing without you. It's as if time has stood still yet everyone else is allowed to move on to bigger and better things.

I tried to use Facebook to my advantage, only to have it come back and slap  me in the face. I suppose it was deserved, but that doesn't make it any easier. I figured I'd make a passive aggressive comment about how lonely I was in the hopes that someone would take pity on me. All I succeeded in doing was letting people know how big of a movie nerd I was.

But then I worry about how selfish I am. Am I really this needy? Why do I need so much attention? I'm an adult, why can't I be content on my own? How much of this is me and how much of this is our natural desire to be in community? I know I'm selfish, but I also know people shouldn't have to feel like this. This feeling isn't one anyone should have to experience.

And then there are the important questions I don't have to ask but others do.

I wonder what it's like to go to bed full? I wonder what it's like to have a family? I wonder what it's like to be loved?

How can I complain about my life when others have it so much worse? How can I be so dense?

Now that I feel slightly better and because I'm a movie nerd, I'm gonna go back to movies now. I think it's time for a true tail of friendship. Fox and the Hound anyone?