TBC.

I'm not very good at poetry, but I do enjoy taking the time to express my feelings in a creative way. There's just something about crafting poetry (good, bad, or cheesy) that lends perspective / eases the tension of a situation. As my smart, and much more word-savvy friend Bethany would (or rather already has said) say, "Poetry is catharsis."

While a lot of the tension is gone, I still feel a need to process, more thoroughly, what's going on in my life. So, over the next few days, that is what I intend to do. However, tonight is not the time. I found out I get Christmas Eve and Christmas day off so I've had to cover a lot of hours to make up the time I'll be losing. I like work, so it's not as bad as it could be, but it'll make for two 12 hour days in a row.

I'm off to bed, but I will be back (soon) to discuss lots of things. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and. . .

I am. . .

I am. . .
   Looking for it, that
   One thing I'm meant to do.
   Searching for a purpose.
   Trying to feel important.

   Lessons have been learned, but it seems
   Only more questions have
   Sprung up in the places I had hoped to find the
   Truths needed to guide me on the way.

   Little paths spread
   Out before me like the
   Small roots of a tree who, like me, is
   Trying to find a firm foundation.

   Late nights spent wide awake going over
   Options that seem either too far off or too
   Small to be of worth
   To anyone in this world.

   Long after I'm gone, shall
   Only my corpse, buried in a
   Shallow grave, be all that remains
   To let anyone know I was even here?


   Loneliness seems more of a friend where
   Once there were many by my side.
   Surely I'm still cared for, but
   Time and space have a way of making us forget.

   Longings remain to find that
   One person who understands my
   Soul better than anyone.
   Truthfully, I sometimes give up hope.


I am. . .
   Lamenting time spent, wasted
   On things that no longer matter. Why is it
   So hard see importance the first
   Time it comes around?


I am. . .
   Lost, lonely, and all learned
   Out. I'm tired of
   Striking out
   Time and time again.

But, most importantly, I know I am. . .
   Loved by the
   One who gave His
   Son
   That I might have life and joy to the fullest.

I've never really liked fishing.

I want to start this off by saying, "I know that the only opinion of me that matters is God's. I know my validation comes from Him alone. As much as I like them, my value does not come from what my friends think about me. My value is not determined by what I can do or give to the world. And, I most certainly am not validated by being in a relationship with a female." Now that's out of the way, I'd like to rant for a little bit.

"You're such a great guy. One day a girl's going to be lucky to have you. You're gonna make such a great husband."

That's a very nice statement. It's also one I have heard many, many times. Sometimes it comes from my family and I roll my eyes and walk out of the room. Some times it comes from old/middle aged women who just "wish they had a daughter they could pair me off with" and I smile and nod politely until they leave me alone. And sometimes it comes from friends, classmates, and coworkers. I'm sure they always mean well when they say it. I'm sure that should make me feel good about myself, but, honestly, there's not really a statement that makes me feel much worse. 

I think it's like fishing. After all, when you don't get the girl you want they always tell you not to worry about it, there's plenty of fish left in the sea. And so, I've developed an analogy to represent how I interpret statements like this when they come along.

"You've got great equipment. Your pole and reel are top of the line. You've got the perfect kind of bait and the fish are hungry. Even better than that, you're sitting on the best fishing spot in the world. Why haven't you caught any fish? If it's not the pole and it's not the bait? If it's not the reel and it's not the location, it has to be the technique right? Your equipment and location are fine, but the user is broken.

Okay, okay, so maybe the problem is I'm not the fisherman. Maybe I'm the fish. Well then, I'm a pretty good fish. I've got great scales, and I look pretty tasty. I could probably feed a small family for days. Any fisherman would be lucky to catch me. But, if I'm such a great catch, why hasn't anybody tried to reel me in? Why do I keep having to play the game of catch and release?"

I feel like a defective fisherman. I feel like a smelly, unwanted fish. I've seemingly got everything going for me and it doesn't matter. I try my hardest, follow all the guides, devote all my energy and it's still not enough. It's not a fun feeling.

(By now, I think it may be good for everyone to read the first paragraph to remember that I do know where my value is and I'm not trying to throw a pity party. This is just a rant.)

Now that we're back:

I was in my car on the way home developing this analogy and I was reminded of a book that has one or two stories about fishing in them. In one particular story, these guys are out in their boats fishing all night. These men are fishermen among fishermen. Their father's father's father was a great fisherman and it has continued in the family ever since. These men know the waters, have the equipment, and have perfected their technique: there's no way they ever go home with empty nets. Well, except for this night. Whatever the reason, they just can't get a thing. As they're headed back into shore (I'm sure feeling like complete failures) a strange man asks if they've caught anything. Of course they haven't. The stranger obviously can see that. Maybe he's being nice?

When they reply in the negative, the stranger asks them to try the other side of the boat. Certainly frustrated, maybe looking for a reason to get angry at the stranger, the men lower their nets and, low and behold, the ships almost sink from the size of the haul.

Maybe one day I'll get to be like these men. After my long night of fishing is over and I'm ready to give up, a Stranger will ask me about my catch. When I tell Him (in what I'm sure will be a very frustrated tone) that I've tried my best and clearly He should be able to see that maybe, just maybe, He'll ask me to lower my hook somewhere else. And, even though I'll be skeptical, hopefully I'll obey, only to be overwhelmed but what appears on the end of my line.

Maybe, but maybe not. The Stranger may just invite me to His campfire to share in His catch and the company will make me forget all about the fish.

Either way, I really hope the Stranger decides to appear, because this fisherman is ready to put up his tackle and retire the pole: fishing really isn't his thing anyway.

I'm tired of being selfish.

About a lot of things really.

I'm tired of not sharing my full self with others. 

I'm tired of not giving more of myself when an opportunity presents itself. 

I'm tired of only doing what's necessary in friendships. 

I'm tired of hoarding the physical, relational, and intellectual gifts God has given me.

There's a lot of things that I want to be less selfish about, but I feel the need to expound upon one in particular.

It's been nearly a year since Emily and I broke up. Two long, confusing, and stressful semesters plus most of a summer later, I've made a lot of progress, but it's still hard some times. Most days I can think back on it, laugh, smile, and be grateful for everything that happened. But, on occasion, the only thing I want to do is lay in bed, curl up with my pillow, and weep. 

And that confuses me. I thought I'd been over this. I thought I'd completely given this up. It's hard to ignore the evidence to the contrary. Whenever I think about it or talk about it with someone else, I generally say something along the lines of, "I'm really happy for her but. . ." 

But what? What about me? How could she move on and I can't? Why does she get to be happy and I don't? Why is life so unfair to me?

I was just laying in bed thinking and it really hit me. I'm being so selfish I want to vomit.

I'm glad that I mean the first part of the statement. I really, truly am happy for Emily. I'm glad she's found a guy she likes and who treats her well. I'm glad she's happy. And, I am grateful for the friendship and relationship we shared. A large part of who I am now has only been made possible through our time together: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am glad I have realized and truly taken these things to heart. I detest the fact that I can't stop there.

I want to be happy for her, but I also want to be content with me. I want to lose the ellipsis. I want that to be the end of it. I want to care more about someone else than I do about myself.

I'm freaking selfish, but I don't want to be.

In order to not be a liar. . .

This post has to be about my semi-crazy evening. I have a lot of other stuff I want to post about but I can't until this is out of the way.

So, Aaron Morrison texted me to see if I wanted to go dumpster diving at Taylor. I had never been and I wanted to get out of the house so I agreed. When I got in the car, it was Aaron, Phil Cranmer, Bram Johnston, and David L. Herring. Much more than I anticipated. We got to Taylor and went in dumpsters. Found a lot of cool stuff. I found a bra in one dumpster and Aaron, being the sheltered child he is, freaked out about it and jumped out of the dumpster. I tried to find a way to sneak it back into his car, but no dice.

My favorite find was a bag of what appeared to be Easter candy. It was all still wrapped so I took it and ate it. I was judged by all, but I really didn't care because it was delicious. There was also a baggie inside containing $5.00 in quarters. Double win.

After that, we returned to Marion and a few of them wanted to get a drink so we went to Beatniks, a local bar/hangout place. It was my first time there. Didn't drink anything but went for the company. I ended up running into a co-worker there and he came by our table. Criz Vaun was already pretty intoxicated at this point, but he's a cheery enough fellow so it was okay. At some point in the conversation, he found out that I wrestled in high school. He challenged me to a match and that was that.

Being my first time in a bar, I didn't realize those sorts of things were frowned upon. We got up and began our match. It lasted about 5 seconds because I am both more skilled than he is and had no alcohol in my bloodstream. It's good it was over quickly though because the owner was getting ready to mace us for getting into a bar fight.

After that, some random couple made a Taco Bell run for everyone. It was very sketchy, but my Volcano Burrito was delicious.

And that's how I dug through dumpsters and got into a bar fight for the first time, all in the same night.

Jimmy Johns

So, after NOT graduating as planned, I've decided to live and work in Marion for a while. Well, I was probably going to take a year off anyway, but this just kind of further cemented my plans. Graduation was on Saturday and I didn't have to move out of the dorms until Wednesday. Up until Tuesday night, all I knew was that I was going to live and work in Marion.

My aunt and uncle have graciously let me stay with them. I'm not sure how long I'll be here, but it's very nice. The bedroom is about half as big as my dorm room and the bed is twice as large. Luckily, Matty said I could store some of my junk in her shed. She's nice sometimes. I like living here, but I feel like I'm not around much due to work and friends. About the time my aunt and uncle go to bed is when I feel like going out with friends. I haven't gotten much friend time this summer, but's it's been okay. I'll probably post more on that subject later.

My good friend Bethany found out that I was looking for a job and said I should apply to Jimmy Johns. After taking in the application, I sat down with an interview with one of the assistant managers Willie. He's really nice; I like Willie. The interview went pretty smoothly so he gave me a list of the sandwiches to memorize so I could take a test on them a few days later. I texted my mom that night and said, "Food. Memorization. I love those two things. This job will be a piece of cake." Took the test, finished it in three minutes with a perfect score. It was glorious.

I handed in my test to the manager Jordan. Bethany said I would like him. She was right again. She tends to do that a lot actually. After grading my test Jordan said, "Yeah man, I'd have to be retarded not to hire you. I hope that's not offensive? It's probably not politically correct either, but it's true. You want a job?" To which, of course, I said, "Yes."

I started work last Wednesday and it's a lot of fun. I sing and dance. I sweep. I clean up vomit. I make sandwiches. That's pretty much all I need to be happy. My co-workers are a strange yet wonderful mix of personalities. One of my first meetings was with Crizvaun. He's been working there for a while and he has a very interesting personality. We went out on a delivery together so I could see what it was like. . . Yeah, it sounded strange to me too. Crizvaun is very sarcastic and very familiar with people, two things I can definitely identify with. However, I think he's a little worse at discerning how much is too much and sometimes he can seem pretty rude. I have more funny stories about him from last night, but that's already been promised to a different post.

My second meeting was with Micayla. She showed me how to run the cash register. Micayla is very small, maybe 5'3" 120 pounds, with long, dark hair and a spray on tan. She puts on the air of a dumb blonde most of the time. I don't think that's her true personality, but it seems like it's something she's done for a while and it's slowly taking over for real. I hope not though. She also has no sense of personal space. As I was messing around at the register, she was about two inches away from my face just staring at me. It normally wouldn't bother me, but I had only known her for about 30 seconds so I was slightly freaked out. We're besties now though. Totes for real yo.

Micayla's best friend at work is Megan. Megan was really quiet when I first met her and spent most of her time on the slicer. It seemed like there was something wrong but I didn't know her at all so I wasn't going to ask about it. I've worked with her since then and she is very much a fun and outgoing person. She's also picked up the habit of winking at me. To be fair, it only started after I awkwardly stared at her in feigned ignorance about how to clean the slicer. Thursday, Megan and Micayla surrounded me when I was doing dishes, looped their arms behind my back, and sang, "We are the three best friends there ever was. . . ", for quite some time. I pretended to be creeped out, but it was all I could do to keep from laughing.

Some of the other guys I work with are Mike, Mike, Sergio, Chris, and Jake. One of the Mikes is really into music. I'm pretty sure that's how he relates to people. He works at Meijer as well. He seems like a pretty interesting guy. The other Mike, as I found out yesterday, is the Pastor of Exit 59 Downtown. He's pretty cool too and very helpful. His employee number is 2 meaning he's been there FOREVERRRRRRRRR. But, he's leaving to finish his masters degree so he won't be here long. It'll be sad to see him go. Sergio is another driver. He always talks about being the "bros" and gives the girls a hard time. He's fun to work with. I've only worked with Chris once be he seems like a good guy. Anddddd, his mustache makes him look like Luigi so it's an automatic win. Jake started the same day I did. He is younger and kind of reserved but I like him. I think he's good friends with Willie.

The other girls at work are Victoria, Olivia, Tori, Abby, and Regina (at least that I've worked with). I pretend to be indignant around Victoria and she pretends to get angry at me. It's a fun game we play. I found out from Pastor Mike that she and I actually live in the same neighborhood. Yesterday she invited me to her Hello Kitty themed graduation party. The woman is obsessed. She apparently was given a lot of expensive watches from her boyfriend. They've been dating for 4 months and he's bought her over $4,000 worth of jewelry even though she's told him not to. Not sure how I feel about that relationship but she seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Regina is always laid back and usually works the drive through. That's about all I know of her. I worked with Olivia once. She seems cool but is still in high school so can only work weekends. I've worked with Abby twice for similar reasons. She seems like lots of fun but doesn't speak up much. Maybe it's just the company? She went on a tennis date after work on Thursday and I found out she plays/played for the high school team. I'm half tempted to challenge her sometime but I don't want to get shown up. Tori is interesting. She checks out girls more than most guys I know. She's just very confident in her sexuality I guess. She's pretty nice but a little vulgar at times.

Josh is another person I work with. He's older and has kids. He's always so stoic in appearance and expression but the things that come out of his mouth definitely are not. We discovered a shared love of Final Fantasy the other day and I found out he has a tattoo of Vivi on his arm, one of my favorite characters from Final Fanasy IX, one of my favorite games. I like him more now.

I work with Bethany as well but I saved her for last. She's a lot of fun. We've only had one shift together but it was a blast. We're both ENTP's so we mesh well together. We understood what was going on and how one another reacted to things. We also have a very similar work ethic so we spent a lot of time bustling around doing dishes or sweeping while the others talked. Everyone was convinced we were related because we're so much alike. It's fantastic. I hope I get to work with her more this summer after she's done with Pl-(M)-ay Term.

Jimmy Johns is a good reminder of the secular world though. IWU is nice, but it is a shelter. The talk at work is much different than I've been used to for over 5 years. I went to public school so it's not really a surprise so much as a reminder. Cussing is just a common thing among most of my coworkers. I tend to shy away from it as much as possible. I don't judge them for it, but I don't want it to become a part of me at all. That's part of the reason I bustle around and keep myself as busy as possible. That and I just like to work I guess. xD

Overall, I love my job. I've taken so many hours they won't let me work any more this week. People think I'm crazy, but I'm okay with that. The job lets me be around people. I'm fascinated with my coworkers and can't wait to continue building relationships with them. Jimmy Johns also gives me a focus and a purpose. I know it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I am very content with it for now. I'm sure there will be much more to come to talk about, so hopefully you enjoy reading about it. I'm so grateful to Bethany, but most of all to God, for allowing me to be here at this season in my life.

Oops

This post makes my last one a lie, for which I apologize. However, I think it's worth it.

My next post SHALL be about Jimmy Johns.

The one after that will be about my crazy night on May 18th/19th. (Spoiler Alert: I get into a bar fight with a co-worker and win).

That is all. . .

Brief Snippets

First post on new Blogger... Not sure I like it.

Car likely died for good today.

Work is fun.

I really need to blog more.

My next post will be much lengthier and contain many of my thoughts about work. I really wanna talk about it.

Missing friends.

God is good.

Tough Love

Sometimes your friends call you an idiot when you're just joking around and sometimes they say it because it's what you truly need to hear. I think today it was the latter.

One year (in this case): 52 Weeks, 366 days, 8784 hours, 527,040 minutes, or 31,662,400 seconds

A lot can happen in a year and indeed, a lot has. A lot of pain, grief, loss, hurt, shame, and failure. But, along with that, there has been happiness, gain, growth, and freedom. I wish some things were different; others, I wish remained the same. I'm glad God gave us time. It can do a lot of things like teach and heal or hurt and discourage. It all depends on your perspective. The past year has all these qualities and there's nothing about it I can change. It's what I do with it that's truly important.

Me, in A Proverbial Nutshell at This Point in Time

This is part of an email I sent a good friend. I've taken out some parts I don't really want to share online, but the bulk remains the same.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I apologize because this is very, very long overdue. I think it can be chalked up to equal parts busyness, apathy, and an inability to verbalize my thoughts and feelings. I suppose busyness might not be equal to the latter two, but it did play some role. Anyway, as I’ve thought about how to best fill you in, I’ve decided on splitting it up into what seem to be major themes in my life right now. I hope it all makes sense. Again, sorry it’s been so long. :-(

School:

I only have four classes this semester. I took one of them my junior year and have to retake it for a very stupid reason. I just turn in all my old work and get A’s. Another of my classes is New Testament. I really like New Testament, but, growing up in the church as a pastor’s kid, I haven’t really learned much new in that class either. A third class is Philosophy. It’s a night class. I hate night classes because I don’t have the attention span for them. Also, I thought I was signing up for one professor who was highly recommended and ended up getting his wife instead. She’s a nice lady, but she is very soft spoken and doesn’t keep control of the class very well. It’s mostly freshmen so it mostly consists of her trying to talk over everyone (the key word is trying). My fourth class is a computer database class which is actually pretty fun.

I know it sounds weird, but I feel under-challenged. Because of that, I don’t have motivation to work. None. Nothing. Caput. Nada. Two gen-eds and a retake don’t pressure me enough to care. I know it’s bad, but that’s just how I operate. I’m doing enough to get by, but I know I can do much better. I got midterms in three classes. With as easy as they are, that should never happen. Granted, I haven’t been feeling well health-wise this semester, but that’s really no excuse. To say I have senioritis wouldn’t be fair. Whatever I have is much worse. I legitimately could care less about my classes. It’s not just a matter of “eh, I’ll get by I guess.” It’s more of a “eh, who cares if I fail. I’m not good enough to get hired or into grad school anyway.”

I’m also not sure if I’m graduating anymore. I feel burned out of school so I never really got around to applying for grad schools. . . That, of course, is a problem. I’m pretty sure I’m going to come back next semester. I could graduate with a general requirements degree with a focus in computers and mathematics, but that seems stupid after five years. I could get a job in Marion and just take two credits next semester and a summer class to get my two full majors. I think I’ll walk this semester, but two majors seem much more appealing than a stupid one. Haven’t talked to my family or advisor about that yet though, so nothing is really set as of now.

Friends:

I blogged about this yesterday, but I really feel like I’m being left behind by people. I’ve always felt that I don’t really have a place I belong. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the Includer. I have a lot of interests and abilities so I’m able to fit in everywhere. When I see someone alone, I use my connections to get them hooked in somewhere. That’s something I’m really glad God’s given me, but it also seems to be a curse at times. Because I can fit in everywhere, I don’t fit really well anywhere. I always use my high school experience as an example.

I was a five sport athlete so I could always hang out with the jocks. I was also in the National Honor Society, Speech, High Ability Learners (kind of like the AP program of our school since we were too poor to have a real one), and Student Council so I could also hang out with the more “scholastic oriented” students. However, there were jocks who were only jocks and scholastics who were only scholastics. Because they had singular qualities, they formed stronger bonds with those like them.

Once I get people involved, I feel like I’m left behind. 

I developed a friendship with a girl this semester and it was really good. She is an older student who was in the military and she commutes. She didn’t have many friends but we ended up getting connected and I invited her to Frisbee. Through that, she was able to make several other friends. Yesterday we went out to eat and she essentially said that she was grateful for what I had done, but we really were only friends because she didn’t have any others at the time and now that she’s made new ones, we don’t really need to hang out any more. On the one hand, I’m glad she’s gotten connected: that really does make my heart happy. On the other, getting left behind sucks.

I also feel removed from my close friends. I’ve been in a slump this past year really and so part of that is my fault. I’ve removed myself from community which is really, really bad for me. However, I’ve never really felt as close with them as they seem to be with each other. I know they’re bad includers and I know they don’t do it on purpose, but sometimes I take it personally. Kyle has done a good job of keeping up even though he’s not on campus any more, especially since my break up. I still feel distant from them though and I don’t know how to bring it up. I don’t like being vulnerable and I don’t think my pride allows me to admit to them how much I’m struggling.

I’ve also discovered I’m good at wearing masks. I think Emily is honestly the only person I’ve ever let start to meet the real me. I don’t know why I shut off. I don’t want to, it just happens. I’ve had so many experiences where I start to share and people have either just shut down or kind of acted like it never happened. I’ve been part of “accountability groups” where I’ve shared things and then no one’s ever followed up so I feel like I just shouldn’t share anymore. No one seems to care and, if they do, they never show it. I had a talk with my first girlfriend the other day and she said something along the lines of, “Yeah, I knew you were thinking that, I still know you really well.” And the thing was, she didn’t. She wasn’t even close to what I was thinking. And it wasn’t just that one instance. I dated her. She should know a lot more about me than most people and even she doesn’t know. I know it’s not her fault, I’m the one who never let her in, but it just shocked me how much I can trick, lie to, and deceive people. I don’t want to, I just don’t know how to do anything different.

God:

My relationship with God has been kind of strained as of late. I was doing really well last semester and then something happened over Christmas Break. It kind of started out as busyness and then it just fell to my lack of discipline. The apathy I’ve felt with schoolwork has crept up in my spiritual life as well. I know I need to get back in the Word, but it’s hard. Every time I start, it just feels stale and like I’m going through the motions. I know that sometimes God is removed because He wants to teach us patience or to show us how much we really need Him, but it’s really hard right now. 

There’s just so much going on right now and I feel like I could really use His presence so it’s frustrating when there’s nothing there. The worst part is, I know it’s a vicious cycle: If I don’t get in the Word, I won’t meet with God and if I never meet with God, I won’t want to get in the Word. It also has to do with prayer and devotional time. I know they all go together. I’m just so undisciplined and I don’t know how to ask for help in this area. No one can tell you to sit and pray. No one can make you read your Bible. Forced communion with God isn’t really meaningful.

I know that this is the key, I know that if I can get this part right, the rest will work itself out, but it’s so hard. I’m in desperate need of Him and I never feel fulfilled. I’m constantly tired and broken and just hoping He’ll come soon to pick me up and put me back together. I know He can do it and I know He will do it in His own time, but I’m really bad at the waiting. 

I am Broken.

And I know there's nothing I can do about it. I sense my own iniquities and I can't fix them. Which is a problem, because I like fixing things. I've had my flaws pointed out quite a bit the past few days. Some have been through introspection, others from outside sources. It's easy to get defensive when it comes from others, but that doesn't mean it isn't still true.

I feel like I'm losing people. Some of it's my fault, I know I've been withdrawing, but some are just things I can't control. I miss people, but I can't tell them. I have burning desires to catch up in their lives, but I don't know if it's appropriate. I made a new friend this semester (really starting at Christmas break, but close enough). Tonight she pretty much told me we only became friends because she didn't have anyone else. However, now I've helped her find others (which she's really thankful for), we don't need to be friends anymore. Of course, she said it much more nicely than that, but I prefer blunt statements.

On the one hand, I'm genuinely glad I could help her out. She was in a bad place and I'm glad God used me in her life. On the other, it sucks feeling left behind. I know she didn't mean it bad at all and it was never her intention, but it's what's happened all the same. I feel that's happened to me a lot in life. I fit in well with everyone so I have nowhere that I belong. Everywhere is my home and yet I'm homeless. I'm the person that couch hops his entire life except instead of couches it's friend groups. It's really not very much fun at all.

Through it all, I know God loves the broken. He breaks us to make us beautiful. I'm relying on Him to get me through, but I honestly wish He'd hurry up. I know I need patience, but sometimes it's hard. Despite all though, I try to choose joy. I don't want to, but I know I need to. And so, my heart is both hurting and content: hurt at what's been going on but content in the knowledge God holds me in His ever-loving arms.

More to Come

I haven't blogged in a very long time. So much has happened and yet, nothing at all. Life's been weird. That's about the only way I can describe it. I need to write more, but now I need to finish a group paper due in 4 hours. Just wanted to check in (and maybe delay the project). More to come soon, I promise for real this time. :-)