Homecoming

I had a really good conversation with an alumnus today. Her name is Kate Cook. She is great. I'll give you the longer story soon. I'm just too tired right now.

Update

In the Tree post, I talked about being able to see where God is leading, what He has promised to us, but not exactly knowing how to get there. Miss Anne Johns had another great point in the comments which I would encourage you to read. But, to sum it up, sometimes it just takes patience.

I had patience illustrated to me in another way today. I was speaking with a friend and they likened patience in tough situations to the patience the Israelites had to have when they were wandering in the desert for forty years. They knew God had promised them a land of milk and honey. After only a few year (or months even) they were most likely already pretty sorry for having doubted God. They certainly had learned the lesson, yet God made them wait forty years.

Part of the reason was so HE wouldn't be a liar. But the larger reason may have been because He wanted to teach them patience. And not only that, through the time of wandering, the time of patience, He wanted them to know they needed to be fully reliant on Him. They wouldn't survive without His manna and quail. He went before them as a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire to guide them. They would have been completely lost without Him.

Application:

Sometimes God has to remove the prize from your sight so you will focus on what is truly important. With the prize so close, it is easy to forget that God (and our relationship with Him) is the most wonderful thing we could ever have. It doesn't mean God won't deliver on His promises, it just means He is going to make sure we are in the right frame of mind to receive His gifts without loosing sight of the Greatest Gift.

Why does it have to be so hard?

I've talked a lot lately about patience. That's pretty much the biggest thing God has put on my mind and heart the past month. I came to the realization today that I'm really good at interpreting this, I'm really good at explaining it, but I'm super terrible at actually practicing it. I know what I'm supposed to do, I can tell you exactly why I'm supposed to do it, but I can't do it.

And it's not that I'm not trying, I am, it's just my heart isn't in it. I think the biggest reason for that is because it's not fun. It's hard. I don't like hard things. I know they are good for me, but I have a hard time looking past the inconvenience it causes me. And somehow, I'm really surprised that I was surprised by that realization.

In our culture, instant gratification is paramount. It has to feel good and it has to happen now. But I don't think that's it. If God promised He would give me a great job doing XYZ in year 20XX, I think I would be totally happy waiting, even if it were 2050. As long as I had a timeline, I would be okay. So it's not the fact that I have to wait, it's that I don't know how long I'll be waiting. That, to me, is torture.

As I was talking to Wesley today (see post below) I discovered why I might feel that way. Wes has a pretty good knowledge of the Bible (I think he's a Bib. Lit major). He shared with me that, in the Old Testament, the word patience actually means prolonged suffering. Hmm, no wonder I feel tortured. It is through the process of having patience that we become "worthy" of God's gifts for us. It's not going to be easy or fun, but it will always be worth.

Hopefully this time I won't just say it and know it, but actually live it. That's my challenge for the week.

Small Group

A week or so ago I talked about friends and small group. I have been getting a lot more social time which is great, but I suppose it can still improve. I really really really like small group though. The guys are open and aren't afraid to ask really tough questions. Each week I'm amazed by the men around me. As part of the group, we are assigned an accountability partner that we "have" to meet with once a week. My partner is Wesley Stark, and he is a South Hall freshman.

When I got paired with Wes, I wasn't sure how I felt. I'm a fifth year senior. He's a freshman. What could he possibly share with me? Sure, he could check in to see if I were doing my devotions and tithing and abstain from all sexual immorality, but nearly anyone could do that. I felt like this was just going to be another mentoring relationship where I shared my five years of wisdom with him, helped answer his every problem, and shared my personal feelings when needed. He and I met for the first time today. He blew me away.

Wes is a terrific man of God. He's so on fire that it is astounding. I had to apologize for judging him based on his age. God kind of slapped me in the face with that one. As I was sharing how I was doing and what was going through my mind, he continually spoke truth into my life. Not just truth, but truth I really needed to hear in that moment. I'm super excited to keep meeting with him. I only hope I'm able to encourage and equip him as much as he's already done for me.

Age

Lately I've been discovering just how old I am. Certainly my body enjoys reminding me daily. I usually ache when I get out of bed in the morning. Today I had visible knots in my back, pretty sure that's not a good thing. I've also realized I begin most of my stories with "When I was a freshmen" and proceed to talk about things and people nobody around me has any recollection of. In one sense, I am happy because I worry about immaturity sometimes and it's good to see how far I've come by reminiscing and realizing it has been a long time. On the other hand, it saddens me that I don't share as much with those around me as I used to. I feel I'm loosing touch.

I think the weirdest thing has been my stomach. I'm pretty sure it lost three sizes, kind of like Jim Carey's heart in "The Grinch". I used to be able to eat a lot, now I'm feeling sick after half a plate of food and a glass of water. Nate thinks it's because I'm depressed, which I'm not sure I agree with. It would make sense though. I think it is just my metabolism slowing down. Whatever the case, I'm having to be much more careful with what I put on my tray. I'm sure it's good for me, but it's tough to have to think about. If this is what old age is like, I don't want to have to think about it. :-S

Terrible Kelly Clarkson Song

So, you guys may or may not know, my eyes are usually hazel. I say usually because, on occasion, they change to a more solid color (varying between blue, green, and yellow). Each of these are associated with my mood. Blue is melancholy, green is happy, and yellow is angry. I can only recall one time that my eyes have been yellow. Generally, they are predominantly green with some blue and yellow mixed in.

With all that's been going on lately, I would expect my eyes to be pretty blue. However, as I was shaving today I took the time to stop and search my own soul (via my windows of course [a.k.a my eyes]) and, to my surprise, they were almost completely yellow. And I have no idea why. I don't think I'm angry at anyone. I've been upset with God a little lately and definitely myself, but that has never affected me this strongly before.

I think I need to take a while and evaluate how I'm really doing. Hopefully, it is just a fleeting thing. I just checked and they're returning to blue, but I really want to know where the yellow came from.

Where have all the good times gone?

So, I just went through and counted and I'm somehow six days behind. Not sure where the time went, but I've been thinking about enough I'm sure I can fill in the void.

This year, I finally talked myself out of talking myself out of trying out for University Singers. For whatever reason, the past four years I haven't let myself do it (probably fear of rejection/failure). Anyway, I tried out and am now a tenor. It has been tons of fun. The teacher is really cooky, but I like him a lot. His teaching methods are much different than any other choir director I have sung under. He likes to just dive into the music and let us work it out as we go along. It has taken some getting used to, but I can appreciate it because I realize how much better it is making me. A lot of people don't share my optimism.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people aren't understanding of others. I think the place it comes out the most is at restaurants. People are terrible to their servers. The job is terrible enough anyway, it doesn't pay super well, and they have to deal with ungrateful people all day. One more poor attitude isn't needed. As I've been in college though, I've realized that it happens a lot with teachers as well. And usually (but not always) people's attitudes are soured because the teacher isn't using methods they are used to. Heaven forbid students would have to put forth any effort in order to learn.

I was very guilty of that my freshman year but God really convicted me at it and I've come to see it in a different light. Everyone is different. Teaching and learning styles can be highly variable as life goes on and locations are changed. College, with all of its different professors (and really, they are only professors: it's not their job to teach you, just to "profess" the information so you can process and run with it) and students is a great place to get accustomed to dealing with these differences. I just wish people would take a step back and learn to see things through the eyes of others. Our world would be a much nicer place if they did.

Without further ado....

The much anticipated tree story.

I feel like I can see where God is sending me, but I have no idea how to get there. It's like getting a Frisbee (or ball, but I like Frisbees better) stuck at the very top of a tall, spindly tree. You can see where it is, but you have no idea how to get it down. After circling the trunk for a while searching for the best approach, you decide it's time to try retrieving the disc. After several attempts, you are still at the bottom of the tree, scraped, bloody, and with a bit of a dent in your pride.

This is how I feel now. I think I know where the Frisbee is (a.k.a God's will for my life) and so I'm going after it with my strength. Not only am I no closer to my goal, I have embarrassed myself several times in the process. My options are to keeping trying on my own (and we all know how that will end up) or to stop and ask God for help.

Sometimes, God shows us the path up the tree. Sure, we're probably going to get a few more bumps and bruises on the way up, but we'll eventually be playing Frisbee with our friends once again and be stronger for the adventure. Other times, God tells us to turn around and that's when we notice the ladder that is (conveniently) the perfect height to reach our prize.

Translation:

Sometimes God wants us to endure hardships so we can mature and grow in our physical, mental, and spiritual lives. At other times, we're making things difficult for ourselves because we are relying on our own wisdom and strength to get what we want. When we take the time to ask God for help, all our problems become much simpler.

Hopefully I'll get this lesson through my head sometime soon. I'm tired of all these bumps and continually embarrassing myself.

Facebook Grade: F

So, there's been a lot of photos going around from an application that rates your Facebook performance. Categories include number of friends, number of posts, number of videos, number of likes, etc... I refuse to use needless apps, but, if I did, I know I would be evaluated at an F. And yet, I feel this means I'm getting an A in life. As nice a tool as Facebook is, that is all it is: a tool.

Sophomore, Junior, and Senior year one, I was way too caught up in Facebook. "Stalking" my friends, playing games, staying "entertained" in class, all of these took up tons of my time. And the more time I spent on Facebook, the less I spent with my friends in real life. The more friends I had on Facebook, the less involved I was in each of their lives. That's one thing God used Emily to challenge me on. During the school year and summer, Emily contemplated getting rid of her Facebook altogether because it wasn't as meaningful an interaction with friends as she desired. She opted to keep it, but cut out a lot of friends.

I recently did the same thing. I had 556 friends; now I'm at 232. Already I've seen an improvement. Because I have less friends to follow, I am spending less time online (and I stopped all Facebook games but one). Also, when I do get on, I can more quickly see information about the people I care about most, no more must I sort through all of the posts from that creepy guy I was in a class with once in high school or that girl who feels obligated to forward an invitation for every organization that is looking for monetary assistance.

And that is not to say I don't care about the 324 people I cut. A lot of them I do like and would call friends, I just am not as involved in their lives as I am with those I've kept. I'm not saying this is for everyone, but I know it has helped me out a lot. If you have been considering it, I encourage you to try it. If you don't like it, you can always just add the people back later. What's one awkward explanation between friends?

Words

It's strange how much words can hurt... and help. The tongue has the power to lift and to tear down. Yet, the ability to use words (as in writing) can be calming, peaceful, a good way to vent, cathartic (as Bethany would point out). Even when not having a "fun" conversation, words can bring peace and joy. And so it is with me in this moment. :-)

P.S Congratulations to Gabe Melian and Felicia Styers on their engagement. It was great getting to see them today and just share in their joy, regardless of whatever other stresses were going on in my life. I'm glad God gave us the ability to do that.

Bleh

That's pretty much how I've been feeling lately and I'm not sure why. I'll have some meaningful posts coming soon, I promise.

Motivation

It's been really hard to stay motivated lately. I was pondering why that was today and I suddenly came to a conclusion. A very surprising conclusion actually. I'm not busy enough. Whenever I have a lot going on, it's easy for me to schedule it: if I don't, it won't get done. However, I have most afternoons free. This allows me to tell myself, "I have six or seven hours until bed time, I'm sure I'll do it somewhere in there." Two hours past bed time I'm saying, "Next time, I'll start way earlier and just get it out of the way." Of course, that seldom happens.

So, how do you motivate yourself without pressure? I've long ago realized that I'm a procrastinator because I need the pressure of deadlines. I put it off to the last minute because then I can work to my fullest, knowing I'm running out of time. It usually turns out fine (whatever I'm working on) but I am horribly tired afterwards, a terrible side effect. 

The answer to my question? Of course it's something God's been hammering on me for the past week and a half. Self-discipline. It's not just for your spiritual life. So that's my goal for the next few weeks (and life really). Unfortunately, that doesn't save me from the hole I've dug for myself tonight... :-S

Friends

Got to go over to Kyle's today and talk. It was good. I really like him. We watched yeast activate for a while. It was lots of fun. Did you know it's super delicate, yeast that is? A difference in temperature of 20 degrees Fahrenheit is all it takes to activate yeast and kill it. Killed yeast = bad bread. But we weren't making bread. We were making Naan. Why? I don't know, but it sounded like fun.

Then we got to talk about life and school and more life. It ended with the watching of two dragons teaching Aang and Zuko how to fire-bend without using hatred. All in all, a good hang out time. Now I get to go to the store with my sister, Kelli Miller, and buy food for our event tomorrow. I'm pretty stoked. :-)

Hmmmm

So, I know I wrote a post last night. It was a good one too: something about God's plan and climbing a tree. In my tired stupor I must have neglected to push publish. Or I got iprism-ed. I hate it when that happens. In either event, I will re-type it, I promise. Just not tonight. I'm feeling really strange so I'm just going to go to bed. I'll need three tomorrow to make up for it, but I'm okay with that. There's plenty going on in here to write three good (okay, maybe mediocre) posts. Stay tuned. :-)

Further Theories on Sleep

If you are having trouble sleeping, I have compiled a list of reasons why*:

1. You are not feeling well.
2. You took too many naps during the day.
3. You haven't been awake long enough yet.
4. You had too much sugar or caffeine recently.
5. You have something on your mind that you need to work out.
6. God really wants to have a talk with you.

One is just an unfortunate circumstance. Try medicine; hopefully it will help. Two, three, and four are your own fault. Five and six are more serious. If this is the case, I suggest you do not ignore it. Getting up and spending time resolving the issue(s) will be well worth it in the end. :-)

On an unrelated note, I've been using a planner and it has been wonderful.

*This list is the express view of the Author of this post and does not reflect any actual scientific study. The list is merely suggestive and nowhere near exhaustive. Viewer's discretion is advised.

A Treatise on the Uses, Effects, and Necessity of Sleep

Sleep is an interesting thing. Oftentimes, it is easily attained. Being one of life's most basic needs, this is a good thing. There are even time when sleep confronts and overcomes a person unwittingly. And yet, at other times, sleep is a very elusive prey. Coincidentally [if you believe in coincidences that is (which I don't...)] it can be exactly at the times we most want/need sleep that it decides to play hard to get. Unfortunately, that's my life tonight.

And now, something completely unrelated except for the fact that it has to deal with sleep:

Sleep is like a bank account. Being awake is making a withdrawal and sleeping is making a deposit. When staying up late (to do homework, hang out with friends, etc...) you are withdrawing more than usual. This can be offset by sleeping in or taking a nap at some other time, thereby adding an extra deposit.

Just like money, you can go into sleep debt. Too much awake time is bad for the account balance. Another way to combat this is to take out a loan. Unfortunately, in the world of sleep, all loans are risky and high interest. These are found in the way of energy drinks, coffee, or extreme amounts of sugar. They accomplish the task of keeping you awake but they are near impossible to pay back in a timely matter and they result in a higher debt when all is said and done.

When in supreme sleep debt, you begin to be overtaken by sleep against your will. This is akin to a bookie sending his "associates" to call in your debt. In both cases, you wind up feeling terrible afterwards. Unlike in real life, there is no way to declare bankruptcy. The only thing that is close is dying, not a favorable option. On the other hand, death is said to be the "great sleep."

Moral of the story: Sleep always wins. Don't fight the inevitable.

Just Talkin'

So, a lot of my posts lately have been deep and theological and emotional. That wasn't necessarily my intention, I was just typing what was on my mind and heart. Tonight's is much more lighthearted.  I've been doing a lot of growing lately which has been good. Tonight, I had conversations with two good friends and just received a lot of affirmation on my trains of thoughts, decisions I've made recently, and plans for the future. It's good to be affirmed. Friends: God's gifts to us.

Part Deux

So, has anyone else ever been sitting in a sermon (be it church, camp, or chapel) and felt like the message was directed right at them? This happened nearly every summit I went to this week. Tuesday night was especially hard hitting. I had procrastinated my homework for Math Senior Seminar all weekend, Monday, and Tuesday. I wasn't going to go to Summit because I had so much to do. And yet, through some friends, I felt convicted to go. So, I sat down after enjoying a good time of worship and began listening to the speaker. What was the first thing she began talking about? Setting aside time for God.

This is something God has been convicting me of for almost the past month. I am involved in a lot of stuff. Good, even great stuff. But all of these activities, in the "purest" or most spiritual things such as teaching Sunday School, pale in comparison to the importance of my relationship with Him. I spend all week loving and pouring out to others that, by the end of the day, I have nothing left to give anyone, even those who truly deserve it. This has been happening for years. I love pouring out to others, but I am doing so with a limited cup, one that I haven't had filled in a long time. And, not surprisingly, the cup has been very dry of late.

The speaker encouraged us to set aside time for us. We need to love others, that is one of God's greatest commandments, but we need to love Him first. And in our love for Him and others, we need to take care of ourselves, not out of selfishness, but as a function of our loves. When we seek to take care of ourselves, we need to go to God. That is all He has ever asked of us, a deep, love relationship with Him. With this relationship develops and takes hold, our cups begin to overflow and, out of love for others, we go and pour into those around us. This is done by our own strength, but by Christ in us. So, for the umpteenth time this week, God has challenged me in my relationship with Him, and I am, once again, astounded by His desire for me.

At the same time, the speaker mentioned something about us being too afraid to follow God's plan. And that's when I stopped tracking. What in the world did these two seemingly disjoint things have to do with one another? Right now, God is calling me to get an education and to serve others through Residence Life and Student Development, two things I love doing. There is no fear in my life, right?

And then I began analyzing my habits. Why do I check my email so many times a day? Why am I constantly seeing every little thing my friends are doing on Facebook? Why do I check Blogger numerous times to see if anyone's been reading my posts and commenting or sharing things about their lives on their own wall? And then I read my blog. Why have I been phrasing things the way I have? What is my underlying motivation. And then God slowly began to show me my fear.

I fear that I am alone and I am not loved. I check all of these internet tools in the hope someone will prove me wrong. So and so wrote on my wall, they must be thinking of me. A follower commented on my blog, someone does care. But most times, the exact opposite happens. So and so commented on so and so else's wall and not mine. Why aren't they thinking about me? Why does that person have so many more followers than me? Why am I constantly alone in my room while everyone else around me is having fun? Why am I not loved?

That's when I knew God had to be speaking to me. These two, seemingly disjoint messages presented in the same sermon, were actually two parts of the same coin, a coin God wanted me to inspect. I have neglected my health and well being for so long that lies were buried deeply into my heart. I forgot one of the basic truths of our world: God is Love and He is Here.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." -- Joshua 1:9

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” -- Deuteronomy 31:6

"For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16

And so I am reminded. God loves me more than I deserve or can imagine and He will never leave me alone. Because of that, I never have to be afraid.

Thought One

So, for some random reason, yesterday I was thinking about the story of Abraham and Isaac where God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son. As the story goes, Abraham goes through with God's plan (probably not very happily but completely willingly) but is stopped by an angel at the last moment. God was just testing Abraham's devotion and he passed the test. However, what if God had wanted more?

Now, God is a good and gracious god and He had promised to make the descendants of Abraham like the many stars or grains of sand. More than that, God promised to do all of this through Isaac. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a fifth year senior) to understand that no Isaac means no descendants. However, our God is also one of power.

If Abraham had completed the deed and sacrificed Isaac, that would not make God a liar. Several times in the bible, God raises the dead. Who says He could not have done the same with Isaac? What if, more than testing Abraham's devotion in the moment, God wanted to test Abraham through hard times? Certainly for me (and I'm sure this is true for others) I can do something in the moment because I know it is God's will but afterwards I get confused, angry, and frustrated with Him. What if He wanted to test Abraham for a longer period of time? Certainly explaining to his servants and wife Sarah what had happened would not have been fun. But, in that explanation, people could not question Abraham's obedience, for better or worse.

And what if, after this time of testing, God returned Isaac to his parents (which is certainly within God's power to do)? Not only would God have tested Abraham's devotion before, in, and after a hard time, but He would still be fulfilling His promises. Our God is not a liar.

So how does this apply? Sometimes I think we interpret God's actions as reneging on His promises to us. What we so clearly heard God promise us seems to be taken even as we are about to close our hands around it. Does this mean God is a liar? Of course not. I'm beginning to see it as another way God shows His love to us (tough love, my favorite...). His ways are higher than our ways and all things will happen in His time. What we see as God taking something away may actually be Him asking us to have patience. He wants to make sure we are adequately prepared for His blessings in our lives.

Remember, God wants to give good things to His children. If God makes a promise with you, He will bless you without a doubt, you just need to have patience. Sometimes God says yes right away. Yet sometimes, He asks us to wait.

Loophole

So, I promised I would post before I went to bed every night. Therefore, if I don't go to bed I don't have to post... right?

Just kidding. But, I'm to tired to think straight right now so I'm going to save my post for tomorrow. It'll be double to make up for it, I promise.

Close... So very, very close...

I was literally seconds from falling asleep and I remembered my promise. I tried rationalizing not blogging, even though I promised myself I would. Eventually, I remembered one of the things God has me working on is discipline so, here I am (albeit begrudgingly).

This week is Summit week at school. This means the same speaker gives six different messages in three days. I really like our speaker this year. She is real, honest, open, engaging, and on fire with God. Tonight she shared about two tough experiences in her life this past year. One was going to Mother Theresa's "house" in Calcutta and doing nothing but laundry the whole time (while she was sick and in 120 degree weather which made the experience even worse). She could not understand why, with all of the problems going on right outside the door, God had called her to do laundry (without a machine). She felt there was so much more she could do for the people in the city, but that is not where she was being called.

The second instance was this spring. Her mother was very sick and there was nothing the doctors could do. There was nothing she could do for her mother. She fought and she argued and got angry at God, but her mother still died. And it was in those two moments she had a choice. She could become angry at God for "cheating" her and keeping her in the dark. She could become embittered by the injustices of the world. Or, she could accept God's will and seek His plan for her life, even if she did not know what it was. She chose the latter and I hope and pray, when faced with a similar choice, I will be able to do the same. She had a quote tonight I really liked so that is what I will leave you with.

In the midst of these two events, this was her decision:

"You are God. I am not. You know Your plans for me. I don't. But I'll choose to follow you anyway, for Your ways are higher than my ways."

Lesson from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World Self-respect > Love (Just read the post and it'll make more sense)

So lately I've been thinking a lot about change and what motivates us to do so. Often times, change is prompted in part by those we love. And this is a perfectly natural and healthy thing. In dating and marriage, each person needs to make concessions to the other, to make changes for the good of the relationship as a whole. And yet, I feel these aren't the best kind of changes that can be made.

I know that there are a lot of changes in my life that need to be made and I can approach them from two different angles. The first angle is to prove to someone, be it my friends or my ex-girlfriends or my family or my boss, that I can be better. And, again, this isn't necessarily bad. However, the problem is that I'm not taking ownership of the change. I'm only changing to gain something (love, approval, respect, etc...) from those around me. For too long this is how I have viewed change.

The second angle, the one I am now starting to take (only with the grace of and strength from God), is to change for myself. I want to change so I can be better. I want to grow closer to Him because I know I need to and, more importantly, I know that's what he is calling me to. I have had to remind myself several times the past two days that I can't make the changes. No matter how hard I try, I can't make myself the perfect man. It requires me going to God daily to be filled, listening to His voice, and following where He leads me.

So yes, I will be changing because I think the people in my life deserve more. I want to give a girlfriend all that she deserves. I want deep, meaningful friendships with people. I want to give my best at everything I do. And that's going to take growth and change. However, I'm not doing it for those reasons. These things are all great reminders and they certainly give me strength to persevere. However, I'm changing for me. Because I hear God's calling in my life and I certainly never want to let Him down.

Last one for the night, I promise.... Well, if insomnia lets me go to sleep I suppose.

I got an unexpected gift from God today. The past two days I have been on duty. This means I am "trapped" in my dorm from 7 p.m to 7 a.m. During that time, I go around talking with people and just hanging out. This weekend the dorm was surprisingly empty. I spent most of my time in my room. Alone. It was good in the sense that I got to practice a lot of guitar (about three hours) and finished some homework, but the extrovert side of me was not very happy.

I really needed quality time with someone. My friends all had plans. Plans that didn't involve staying in South Hall, thereby excluding me (albeit not purposefully). So at 6 p.m I decided it would probably be a good idea to eat something. I went to the student center and the line for Mario's was ridiculously long and Wildcat was already closed. I decided to try to make it to Baldwin but no such luck there either. I decided just to head back to South and eat a wonderful meal of Ramen. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw someone who I knew so I turned to look. At the same time, Andrew Hanna turned to look at me.

Andrew and I worked together as R.A's last year. He is a really solid Christian guy and I really like him a lot. I didn't allow myself to get close to him last year which I regret, but I had seen him earlier in the semester and had a desire to sit and talk with him at some point. He was in the same boat I was on the food situation so he invited me to dinner at Mario's with him. While in line, we got to talk about our summers and how the semester is shaping up as far as classes go. Then I got to hear about his relationship and it was exciting but definitely struck a chord.

We sat and talked for an hour and I got to share the current events in my life, how God is working in me, and what I have been struggling with recently. All in all, it was a great heart to heart and just what I needed (even though I didn't know it's what I needed until afterwards). To top it all off, Andrew invited me to join a small group bible study that he attends/runs. I'm super excited about it and feel God is going to use it to do great things in my life. As I was thinking about this, a passage came to mind. I'll leave it as my parting thought for the night.

Matthew 7:11 "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him?" (And even when we don't ask Him!)

I'm as open as a clam making a pearl.

Friends. That word can mean a lot. I have always struggled with friends. Two of my strengths on the StrengthsQuest test are Includer and Connectedness. I like seeing how things can connect and using those connections to include all those around me in whatever I'm doing. These traits have allowed me to fit in with almost anyone around. In high school I was a "member" of all of the stereotypical groups: jocks, geeks, nerds, outcasts, Church kids, I fit into all of them. This is both a good and a bad thing. I'm able to identify with almost anyone, however, this strength can also be a weakness.

Because I can fit in almost anywhere, I cannot become as strongly connected with people. Think about it. If you are a jock and nothing but a jock, the only people you can hang out with are other jocks. Therefore, you're going to spend a lot of time with and grow very close to all of the other jocks. I on the other hand, will spend some time with the jocks, some with the nerds, etc.. I often feel both comfortable in a group and an outsider at the same time. Kind of the "lonely in a crowd of people" concept. And that is a tough place to be.

There are people I would consider my closest friends. However, I doubt they would say the same about me. Sure, I'm a friend, perhaps even a good friend, but they are much closer to others than with me. And yet, I cannot fault them for that. I am bad at opening up and sharing myself with others. Often times, this holds them at a distance. So is it their "fault" they're not closer to me or have I been sending signals that I don't want to get any closer?

And suddenly another thought came to my mind. What if this is the very reason I skip around between groups so much? Perhaps I fear getting close to others so I become surface friends with everyone which allows me the freedom to hang out, have fun, skip around, and avoid showing the ugliness that is my human failures. Hmmm... Something to think about indeed.

Remember that game we used to play when we were kids?

Life has changed a lot lately. Work and school have started. Friends and residents have returned. I have a lot more responsibility now than I did this summer. However, it is something I enjoy and so I draw energy from it. However, change is always draining on a person.

The biggest change is that I am no longer in a relationship. It's been hard to deal with at times: God and I have had a lot of arguments lately, but I can see Him at work. He keeps showing me how much He knows and cares about me. I think I have everything figured out only to have the rug pulled out from under me. Suddenly things that were all but certain are shaky at best. It's not a lot of fun but, then again, growth seldom is.

Being single again has caused me to reflect a lot on the past five months. They were, without a doubt, the best five months of my life. Emily is a terrific woman of God and she taught me a lot about God, being in a healthy, Christian relationship, and life in general. I cannot thank God enough for what I learned from our relationship. However, looking back I can see some things that should not have been.

When I ended my second relationship, I knew God was calling me to be single so I could work on myself. I needed to learn more and grow more before I was ready to be in a relationship. When I was thinking of asking Emily out, I was very unsure of myself. It had been less than six months. Was that enough time to grow? How would I know if I was ready? I spent a lot of time in prayer and I felt God saying, "You're ready. Believe in yourself." His time frame is never the same as ours. Feeling better, I continued my pursuit and began my fantastic relationship with Emily.

And therein lay my folly. I saw the relationship as the end goal. God led me into a relationship, therefore I was done growing. But that's just it, the relationship wasn't meant to be the end, just a marker along the way. It's one thing to study something and another to put the knowledge into practice. I can read about surgeries all day. However, that knowledge will do me little good unless I put it into practice in the operating room. Coming back to dating, "practicing" for dating isn't as helpful as actually working within a relationship.

And that's not to say I stopped growing completely. A lot of things in my life changed during the past five months, good and wonderful things. However, they were just a byproduct of the relationship, not intentionally gained growth. I was just on cruise control, happy with where I was. That's why it was very hard to deal with the break up. "God, I thought you said I was ready. Now you're telling me I'm not? What happened? I know I've grown so how could I have been ready then and now I'm not?". Sometimes I feel like the slowest learner in the world. God must be playing a cosmic game of whack-a-mole with my arguments and excuses, bopping down one after the other in the seemingly endless stream running from my head.

It's only taken me two weeks, but I'm beginning to see where He's leading me. I've definitely come back to a daily dependence on Him: not on my girlfriend, not on my friends, not even on myself, but on the One who's strength is never failing. He builds me up each day and gives me what I need. Not what I want or even think I need, but what He knows I NEED.

And this has been my prayer: "Lord, today, please give me the patience to listen and wait for You, the wisdom to discern what it is You are telling me, and the strength and conviction necessary to carry out Your will for my life.

I know what I want... right?

Around the fourth of July, a lot of people from work were planning on going to a firework show somewhere (there were several around the Marion area to choose from). We talked about it during meals and we all expressed how excited we were to go. Come the night of the festivities, one of my friends who was supposed to be on call (a.k.a wasn't allowed to be more than five minutes from campus) asked if I would cover for them so they could go watch fireworks. I was a little upset for two reasons:

1. No one had invited me to go.
2. She knew how much I wanted to go and she still asked me to stay behind.

I am not one to tell people no so I begrudgingly agreed. Part of the reason was because Emily wasn't able to go because she had family coming so we were going to go out with them. After dinner, I was planning on just hanging out with Emily and watching a movie or something. However, I got a call from work saying they needed extra people to come in and drive golf carts (see post below). So, not only did I not get to see fireworks, I didn't get to hang out with Emily either AND I didn't have a working phone so I couldn't even text Emily while I was waiting for passengers.

Needless to say, I was frustrated and in a terrible mood. The night proved to be a lot of waiting around; not many people were out and about because it was supposed to storm. The lack of passengers gave me time to sit and think and voice my frustrations to God. I was feeling better after a while, but still upset about the fireworks. Then the storm started. There wasn't much rain, but the lightening was spectacular. I have never seen such big, bright, and beautiful lightening in my life.

I thought I knew what I wanted: time with friends and pretty fireworks. Instead I got time to reflect and a my own lightening show. God knew what my soul needed, even when I didn't. I was asking for bread, and, in return, God gave me a steak.

Cultures

During this summer on Conference Services staff, we had a lot of interesting groups come in. One of my favorites was the Indian Brethren Fellowship. For some reason, Indian Brethren made me think Native American (or First People or whatever the politically correct term is nowadays). I was surprised indeed to walk into Baldwin amidst a sea of sarees.

All pre-conceived notions aside though, this was one of my favorite weeks. First of all, we got to use golf carts to shuttle them around. I love driving golf carts (brings back lots of good high school memories on the golf course with my best friends and my father). Secondly, I got to have a lot of interesting conversations with them. They all loved the fact that I was majoring in mathematics and computer software (go figure..... :-)  ).  

I was also witnessed to several times because the people "just wanted to make sure" everyone around them knew about Jesus. At night, they would all sit together and just exchange stories about their lives over the past year and how God had been working. We had to kick them out of the student Center every night.

This aspect of their culture is something I wish ours had. It seems to me that we are way to busy. Sitting is seen as being lazy or boring. We need to be doing something in order to be having a "good" or "successful" day. We forget the importance of the people in our lives and begin to focus on the things. God definitely used this group to challenge how I interacted with those around me and reevaluate where I focus my energy and attention.

Blogging

So, it's been 70 days since I last posted. I am amazed to see how difficult it is to actually keep a steady stream of posts going. Blogging, in and of itself, is relatively easy. All one must needs do is type out their thoughts. However, no matter how many times I think, "I should really blog about this.", it never seems to make it up here. I think having a significant other can contribute to lack of blogging for anyone. Part of the purpose of a blog is to talk through things you have been thinking about. If you are dating or married to someone, you are already talking about the things you are thinking and, better yet, you are getting feedback from someone who cares about you.

All that aside though, I think it is still a good idea to work through your own thoughts. So, I am challenging myself to blog every night before bed. I'm not sure how long I want this to last for, but I know it will be helpful in any event. I have three or four more for tonight (two of which I have wanted to blog about since my last posts) and I hope they'll make up for my long absence. Please enjoy. Or don't. It's up to you really. I would like to think I'm not boring you all though. :-)