"Better" Times

(This conversation/thought process came from various messages/comments on Facebook. I'm too tired to give a full context. If you'd like one, feel free to ask some other time. :-) )

Matt: loves Firefly. "When you can't run you crawl. When you can't crawl, well, then you find someone to carry you."

Kyle: I've been watching firefly too! It's so good.

Matt: I've seen Serenity twice so far this year and this is my third run through of the episodes I think. They remind me of better times. Jake. Benjamin. Luke. Jared.

Jared: awwwwww....

Jared: your recent comment:

"better" times?
what are times like now?
how have you been lately?

Matt: I can't really complain about life at the moment. I switched jobs from Jimmy Johns to AT&T: I work nearly half the hours at almost twice the pay and it's a much better work/life environment. I finished paying off my school bill and all other expenses except for a little money I owe my parents which feels pretty good.

On the down side, I seem to be terrible at keeping/forming relationships as an adult. The people I would call my closest friends have all grown up, (most have) gotten married, and moved away which makes it hard to stay in touch. Everyone at work is really nice but they're all married and don't seem interested in spending time with one another outside of work, Jonathan excluded. That being said, he and Shawna have pretty busy schedules with work and the kids so we don't get to hang out that often either.

The one close relationship I did have ended about three months ago when she got a boyfriend and didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable (which I understand) by hanging out a lot. I was living with Aaron but he spent most of his time with Becca so I was always the awkward third wheel. He moved out yesterday (to get ready to get married or some such nonsense. . .) I had some residents from last year who I could hang out with but they all had classes and other obligations that restricted times we could hang out. Now they're all home or graduated so the point is moot anyways.

When I was hanging out with people, it was seldom meaningful. Usually it consisted of playing a computer game or watching videos together while talking about events coming up but avoiding any real conversation. I yearn for conversations that make me think and reflect. Every once in a while I get to spend time with Anne and her housemates and that is always meaningful and fun, but that house has so much going on so those events are few and far between. At the same time, they're not men so it still leaves some longing for male intimacy.

And I know some of it's my fault. I can be reclusive at times and my weird sleep patterns could throw off anyone. I also am still struggling with letting people in (which is strange considering I have the desire to have real conversations with people). Strangely enough, I also hate being alone in my apartment because it causes me to think and reflect. I still don't know what I want to do with life and the prospect of having to sit down and face my fears and apprehensions alone seems daunting so I try and distract myself as best as I can with my computer or Netflix. This spirals into wasted time and continuing to feel bad for myself about not being able to figure life out.

All in all, I am well, just a little lonely and confused at times. I suppose by better times I meant when things were simple: all I had to worry about was passing my classes and sleeping (eventually). Better times were when my loved ones were close and community was just a cramped and at times awkward hallway away.