So it's been a longgggg time since my last blog. Sadly, not much has changed. It's not that I didn't have things I wanted to talk about, it's just that I'm at the point where there's so much going on it seems hopeless to begin in the first place. Seeing as I've been trying (quite unsuccessfully) to sleep for the past hour or so, I guess now's as good a time as any.
I am not well. In the past two months, only two people (discounting parents {with whom I've been very blessed}) have asked me how I've been and actually meant it. Of those, only one has actually had/taken the time to sit and talk to me about it. And the hard part is, most of the people I'm closest too have good reasons not to be as involved. Shawna's pregnant and commutes 3 hours every day. Matty is headed to Afghanistan. Kyle is in student teaching. Willis has a senior seminar project. Jonathan and I have to maintain a professional (manager-employee) relationship. Kyle, Chris, Jake, Luke, Jared, and Ben are all busy with work, most of them far from Marion and a good few of them married. It's been nearly a year since I've gotten to really talk with Kate. Bethany has a stressful job and a wedding to plan. On top of all that, I could probably win an award for world's worst communicator.
Work can be a stretch some times. I like my coworkers and I have a good time while I'm there. I do enjoy my job and helping people (even the mean and smelly ones) and AT&T takes very good care of me. However, there's no real growth or fellowship there. We joke around all day (almost always at my expense) and then everyone goes their separate ways. All but three of us are married. Greg (whose idea of a good time is picking up a random chick and getting wasted), Tyler (who comes over often to play games or watch a movie, neither of which are deeply meaningful), and myself. Most of the others are content talking about work and then going home to their families. My saving grace is Kim. She's an older woman who treats me like a grandchild and it's great. During breaks we'll sit and actually talk about life and how one another is doing (as much as work permits, which sadly isn't much). However, we only get to work 2 days a week together at most.
Being part time, I do get three days off, but these are probably the worst for me of the entire week. During these three days, I may or may not talk to another human being. If I'm lucky, I remember to eat more than once. Most of my time is spent numbing myself with video games or thinking about all of my faults and mistakes. And of course, a mixture of pride and shame keeps me from actually telling anyone about it. I'm very good at hinting about it, but either no one picks it up or no one cares. I'm quite sure it's the first (I can be very subtle when I want), but that doesn't mean my mind won't automatically assume the latter.
I need others. I know I'm designed that way, yet it's so hard for me to actually reach out. Years of being turned down or left behind have trained me to stop trying. Being muted or ignored one to many times has taken it's toll. In the past year, I've probably talked more about feelings with an ex than anyone else. That's definitely not healthy (especially considering she's married).
So this is my confession: I'm tired, I'm lonely, and, as always, I am my own biggest critic. I need people, but I never ask for help.
If you've made it this far and you were mentioned above, know I have no ill will towards you, nor is this meant to guilt you into talking to me. I have been frustrated (mostly with myself) and needed to get it out there. Hopefully now I'll be able to sleep and move forward tomorrow.
Good night world.
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