And I know there's nothing I can do about it. I sense my own iniquities and I can't fix them. Which is a problem, because I like fixing things. I've had my flaws pointed out quite a bit the past few days. Some have been through introspection, others from outside sources. It's easy to get defensive when it comes from others, but that doesn't mean it isn't still true.
I feel like I'm losing people. Some of it's my fault, I know I've been withdrawing, but some are just things I can't control. I miss people, but I can't tell them. I have burning desires to catch up in their lives, but I don't know if it's appropriate. I made a new friend this semester (really starting at Christmas break, but close enough). Tonight she pretty much told me we only became friends because she didn't have anyone else. However, now I've helped her find others (which she's really thankful for), we don't need to be friends anymore. Of course, she said it much more nicely than that, but I prefer blunt statements.
On the one hand, I'm genuinely glad I could help her out. She was in a bad place and I'm glad God used me in her life. On the other, it sucks feeling left behind. I know she didn't mean it bad at all and it was never her intention, but it's what's happened all the same. I feel that's happened to me a lot in life. I fit in well with everyone so I have nowhere that I belong. Everywhere is my home and yet I'm homeless. I'm the person that couch hops his entire life except instead of couches it's friend groups. It's really not very much fun at all.
Through it all, I know God loves the broken. He breaks us to make us beautiful. I'm relying on Him to get me through, but I honestly wish He'd hurry up. I know I need patience, but sometimes it's hard. Despite all though, I try to choose joy. I don't want to, but I know I need to. And so, my heart is both hurting and content: hurt at what's been going on but content in the knowledge God holds me in His ever-loving arms.
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