This is part of an email I sent a good friend. I've taken out some parts I don't really want to share online, but the bulk remains the same.
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I apologize because this is very, very long overdue. I think it can be chalked up to equal parts busyness, apathy, and an inability to verbalize my thoughts and feelings. I suppose busyness might not be equal to the latter two, but it did play some role. Anyway, as I’ve thought about how to best fill you in, I’ve decided on splitting it up into what seem to be major themes in my life right now. I hope it all makes sense. Again, sorry it’s been so long. :-(
School:
I only have four classes this semester. I took one of them my junior year and have to retake it for a very stupid reason. I just turn in all my old work and get A’s. Another of my classes is New Testament. I really like New Testament, but, growing up in the church as a pastor’s kid, I haven’t really learned much new in that class either. A third class is Philosophy. It’s a night class. I hate night classes because I don’t have the attention span for them. Also, I thought I was signing up for one professor who was highly recommended and ended up getting his wife instead. She’s a nice lady, but she is very soft spoken and doesn’t keep control of the class very well. It’s mostly freshmen so it mostly consists of her trying to talk over everyone (the key word is trying). My fourth class is a computer database class which is actually pretty fun.
I know it sounds weird, but I feel under-challenged. Because of that, I don’t have motivation to work. None. Nothing. Caput. Nada. Two gen-eds and a retake don’t pressure me enough to care. I know it’s bad, but that’s just how I operate. I’m doing enough to get by, but I know I can do much better. I got midterms in three classes. With as easy as they are, that should never happen. Granted, I haven’t been feeling well health-wise this semester, but that’s really no excuse. To say I have senioritis wouldn’t be fair. Whatever I have is much worse. I legitimately could care less about my classes. It’s not just a matter of “eh, I’ll get by I guess.” It’s more of a “eh, who cares if I fail. I’m not good enough to get hired or into grad school anyway.”
I’m also not sure if I’m graduating anymore. I feel burned out of school so I never really got around to applying for grad schools. . . That, of course, is a problem. I’m pretty sure I’m going to come back next semester. I could graduate with a general requirements degree with a focus in computers and mathematics, but that seems stupid after five years. I could get a job in Marion and just take two credits next semester and a summer class to get my two full majors. I think I’ll walk this semester, but two majors seem much more appealing than a stupid one. Haven’t talked to my family or advisor about that yet though, so nothing is really set as of now.
Friends:
I blogged about this yesterday, but I really feel like I’m being left behind by people. I’ve always felt that I don’t really have a place I belong. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the Includer. I have a lot of interests and abilities so I’m able to fit in everywhere. When I see someone alone, I use my connections to get them hooked in somewhere. That’s something I’m really glad God’s given me, but it also seems to be a curse at times. Because I can fit in everywhere, I don’t fit really well anywhere. I always use my high school experience as an example.
I was a five sport athlete so I could always hang out with the jocks. I was also in the National Honor Society, Speech, High Ability Learners (kind of like the AP program of our school since we were too poor to have a real one), and Student Council so I could also hang out with the more “scholastic oriented” students. However, there were jocks who were only jocks and scholastics who were only scholastics. Because they had singular qualities, they formed stronger bonds with those like them.
Once I get people involved, I feel like I’m left behind.
I developed a friendship with a girl this semester and it was really good. She is an older student who was in the military and she commutes. She didn’t have many friends but we ended up getting connected and I invited her to Frisbee. Through that, she was able to make several other friends. Yesterday we went out to eat and she essentially said that she was grateful for what I had done, but we really were only friends because she didn’t have any others at the time and now that she’s made new ones, we don’t really need to hang out any more. On the one hand, I’m glad she’s gotten connected: that really does make my heart happy. On the other, getting left behind sucks.
I also feel removed from my close friends. I’ve been in a slump this past year really and so part of that is my fault. I’ve removed myself from community which is really, really bad for me. However, I’ve never really felt as close with them as they seem to be with each other. I know they’re bad includers and I know they don’t do it on purpose, but sometimes I take it personally. Kyle has done a good job of keeping up even though he’s not on campus any more, especially since my break up. I still feel distant from them though and I don’t know how to bring it up. I don’t like being vulnerable and I don’t think my pride allows me to admit to them how much I’m struggling.
I’ve also discovered I’m good at wearing masks. I think Emily is honestly the only person I’ve ever let start to meet the real me. I don’t know why I shut off. I don’t want to, it just happens. I’ve had so many experiences where I start to share and people have either just shut down or kind of acted like it never happened. I’ve been part of “accountability groups” where I’ve shared things and then no one’s ever followed up so I feel like I just shouldn’t share anymore. No one seems to care and, if they do, they never show it. I had a talk with my first girlfriend the other day and she said something along the lines of, “Yeah, I knew you were thinking that, I still know you really well.” And the thing was, she didn’t. She wasn’t even close to what I was thinking. And it wasn’t just that one instance. I dated her. She should know a lot more about me than most people and even she doesn’t know. I know it’s not her fault, I’m the one who never let her in, but it just shocked me how much I can trick, lie to, and deceive people. I don’t want to, I just don’t know how to do anything different.
God:
My relationship with God has been kind of strained as of late. I was doing really well last semester and then something happened over Christmas Break. It kind of started out as busyness and then it just fell to my lack of discipline. The apathy I’ve felt with schoolwork has crept up in my spiritual life as well. I know I need to get back in the Word, but it’s hard. Every time I start, it just feels stale and like I’m going through the motions. I know that sometimes God is removed because He wants to teach us patience or to show us how much we really need Him, but it’s really hard right now.
There’s just so much going on right now and I feel like I could really use His presence so it’s frustrating when there’s nothing there. The worst part is, I know it’s a vicious cycle: If I don’t get in the Word, I won’t meet with God and if I never meet with God, I won’t want to get in the Word. It also has to do with prayer and devotional time. I know they all go together. I’m just so undisciplined and I don’t know how to ask for help in this area. No one can tell you to sit and pray. No one can make you read your Bible. Forced communion with God isn’t really meaningful.
I know that this is the key, I know that if I can get this part right, the rest will work itself out, but it’s so hard. I’m in desperate need of Him and I never feel fulfilled. I’m constantly tired and broken and just hoping He’ll come soon to pick me up and put me back together. I know He can do it and I know He will do it in His own time, but I’m really bad at the waiting.
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