I'm tired of not sharing my full self with others.
I'm tired of not giving more of myself when an opportunity presents itself.
I'm tired of only doing what's necessary in friendships.
I'm tired of hoarding the physical, relational, and intellectual gifts God has given me.
There's a lot of things that I want to be less selfish about, but I feel the need to expound upon one in particular.
It's been nearly a year since Emily and I broke up. Two long, confusing, and stressful semesters plus most of a summer later, I've made a lot of progress, but it's still hard some times. Most days I can think back on it, laugh, smile, and be grateful for everything that happened. But, on occasion, the only thing I want to do is lay in bed, curl up with my pillow, and weep.
And that confuses me. I thought I'd been over this. I thought I'd completely given this up. It's hard to ignore the evidence to the contrary. Whenever I think about it or talk about it with someone else, I generally say something along the lines of, "I'm really happy for her but. . ."
But what? What about me? How could she move on and I can't? Why does she get to be happy and I don't? Why is life so unfair to me?
I was just laying in bed thinking and it really hit me. I'm being so selfish I want to vomit.
I'm glad that I mean the first part of the statement. I really, truly am happy for Emily. I'm glad she's found a guy she likes and who treats her well. I'm glad she's happy. And, I am grateful for the friendship and relationship we shared. A large part of who I am now has only been made possible through our time together: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am glad I have realized and truly taken these things to heart. I detest the fact that I can't stop there.
I want to be happy for her, but I also want to be content with me. I want to lose the ellipsis. I want that to be the end of it. I want to care more about someone else than I do about myself.
I'm freaking selfish, but I don't want to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment