The Ship Must Have a Captain

So, it's no secret, I love movies. There are so many plots and actions that, though fantastical or exaggerated, perfectly convey feelings and desires we have in real life. In the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, there's a character called Davy Jones. I'm not going to ruin any of the plot, but, at some point and for some reason, Davy Jones is tired of feeling so he cuts out his heart and puts it in a box. As terrible as that is, I sometimes wish I could do that.

I care about people. A lot. And that can be really hard sometimes. In every friendship, both people have to work. In good friendships, the give and take is close to 50 - 50. There may be times of need when one puts in more than the other, but it's done with a mutual understanding. We all know life isn't fair, but it's no fun to be reminded of that constantly. In some friendships, the give and take is highly disproportionate. As of late, I feel most of my friendships have slipped into this zone with my give far outweighing everyone's take.

Valentines day will invariably bring up feelings and memories about relationships. Many of them are good, but it's so much easier to focus on the bad, especially since I've had a pretty rough past year and a half in the relationship arena. If I were honest with myself, I'm probably not 100% over Emily yet. I can say I'm genuinely happy that she's found someone she cares about and who cares for her, I don't doubt that for a second. However, after 5 months of confusing talks, culminating in a complete break in all communication with no explanation, I can't help but feel hurt and confused. Moving from this confusion, I (very slowly) developed feelings for a friend. Now, not only was I confused and hurt about Emily, I was feeling guilty for liking someone else who I knew didn't feel the same for me.

When I finally got up the resolve to just explain how I felt, even though I knew rejection was eminent, you can't fully prepare yourself for failure. Immediately after this event, said friend stopped all communication for two weeks. That part was worse than being rejected. Not only is my affection not wanted, my friendship isn't either? And, because it's me, I found out yesterday (via a joke from my roommate) that she's now in a relationship with someone I've never heard about and we may not be able to ever hang out again because of the perception that would give off. For those of you keeping track, that's a 3-hit combo K.O. Again, 100% happy for her that she's found someone, but it's hard not to feel slightly. . . betrayed almost?. . . that she couldn't have brought it up earlier.

I've legitimately come to the point where I don't know if I'll ever have a dating relationship again. I honestly can't remember what it feels like to be interested in a girl who's interested back. I forget what it's like to want to do those goofy, silly, romantic things for another person. I hate to say it, but I think I've become bitter towards love. And that saddens me. In my head, I can't think of a more perfect scenario than coming home from work, exhausted and ready for a break, only to be tackled by children who are excited to see you and greeted by a spouse who loves you and wants to know about your well-being. To think I may never have that is one of the hardest realizations I've ever come to.

And it's not just girls, though I do struggle in that arena. In the past year and a half, most of my close friends have moved away from Marion. Even before they were gone, I felt like I lost them. They never asked me to hang out. All of them lived in a house together so they were content. If I showed up, they were ALWAYS happy to have me, but I was never a priority like I used to be. And that hurt, especially because I had opened up to some of those very people about how much I hated always being the initiator. What friends I do have here, I never see anymore, maybe in passing once a semester. They have class and I work. I know it's part of growing up, but there has to be a better way.

And I know I'm not without blame. I'm not the easiest guy to be friends with. I legitimately struggle with letting people do things for me. I put up walls and push people away so I won't get hurt and so they won't see how ugly, needy, and selfish I am.

And so, I wish I had a box. A box to seal away my feelings because honestly, sometimes it seems not feeling would be much better than the pain I have right now. . .

Buttttttttt, that's not a fair assessment of life. There's two sides of every coin and, unless someone is engaged in a cosmic scam, that means there has to be good among the bad.

I recently started working at AT&T. I was referred by my friend Jonathan. He and Shawna live with their mother and two kids in the house adjacent to my apartment. After a lengthy application/interview/history check/drug testing process, I finally started in store last week. It was the day before Valentines Day and I was already thinking of why my life sucked and how much everyone hated me. Shawna came in with her son Dovev so he could see his daddy at work. I can never help but smile when children are happy. I don't understand how anyone can be upset with children around. Seeing how happy Dovev was to see his father really brightened my day.

But then, something even more amazing happened. Dovev turned his head after catching sight of me in his peripherals. His greeting for me was just as excited and energetic as the one Jonathan had received. And I had to fight hard not to cry in front of my co-workers on the first day in the store. I was so touched by what Dovev had done. It wasn't much, but it meant the world just to be shown how excited someone was to see me, to see that someone still cared. I cried later when I was alone, and again as I was driving to Ohio last night.

And on the drive, I remembered other times people had shown an interest at me and I had just overlooked it.

It looks like the Harmon 5 having me over for dinner so they can ask my input on male love languages.
It looks like Anne listening to my silly opinion on the psychology of male flirting.
It looks like Bethany asking me to show her how to make cheesecake.
It looks like Bethany explaining why I was a Hufflepuff in ways my ENTP mind could comprehend and accept.
It looks like Anne sitting up to talk with me after a surprise birthday party because she was genuinely interested in my well-being.
It looks like Bethany asking for my help with a school project and consenting to letting me stay late, even though I had a 3.5 hour drive and an early morning class.
It looks like Ima inviting me to Christmas Brunch because she knows I had nowhere and no one else.
It looks like Shawna teaching me to crochet a scarf, even though I wasn't very good at it.

It's people consenting to letting me help them and earnestly seeking advice from me. It's people I know are busy who still take the time to spend it with me (or let me spend it with them). It's just people letting me know that I matter.

I recently took an online quiz for the five love languages. I know mine pretty well so I was surprised when my number 1 and 2 had switched places. But as I thought about it, it made perfect sense. Quality time had replaced touch as my primary language. Of course it did. I feel like I've lost all connections. There can't be touch if there is no time. And not just time, but quality time. Time for questions and listening. Time for learning and laughing. Time for games and rest. Time. Do I still miss the physical contact? Yes, but let me just be with you for a day, and I'll be the happiest friend in the world.

On a semi related note: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/dog_paradox (I apologize for some of the language).