Tonight a friend asked me if I wanted to answer three questions that would tell me about myself. Having time to waste and with curiosity peaked, I agreed. I won't explain the process here just in case I ever see you in public and get to ask you these question. However, the end result told me that I think of myself as childish. Hold that thought.
Do you ever feel that no matter how hard you try, you can't do anything right? No matter how much you think or plan, things still don't go your way. Now, most people who know me well (or possibly even just a little bit) know that I'm not a planner. I'm a type B all the way. However, I still understand some things are important enough to plan. Once again, hold that thought. Last semester God really rocked me to the core. He caused me to think about the way I did things and whether or not they were for the best. Of course they weren't.
College is a time to develop and mature. IWU provides a fairly safe atmosphere for this growth. Bowman House was where my personal growth really began and it has been continuing ever since. However, I'm not where I know I need to be. Bring back the thought. I am still developmentally a child (okay, maybe not physically, but you get the point.) I can't make myself go to bed on time, I can't make myself get up and go to class, I can't make myself do my homework. Not only that, I can't properly take care of myself, I have no time management skills, and I don't let anyone get close.
Thought 2. So as God made me realize all of these things in the above paragraph, I decided to plan. I bought a planner and I continue to write all of my engagements in it. I drafted a schedule of every day of the week and scheduled every detail, even down to how long I'll brush my teeth. I do my best to follow this schedule and plan, and yet, this hasn't helped. I want to get better, but I'm still stuck where I was. (Romans 7:15) I'm in a pit of self-destruction and I can't get out. And this is where my problem really arises.
Today in church Pastor Matt talked about community. In order for us to be effective in our own lives and the lives of others, we must engage in community. He gave some examples of how easy it is for him to ask for help. I applaud him and envy him at the same time. I never ask for help. I enjoy serving and helping others but hate it when the sentiment is returned. I do everything in my power to fix something myself. When it all falls apart, that's the time I ask for help. I need help to fix my problems: help from God and help from others. But now I have another problem.
I'm 22, I'm a grown man. How can I ask for help for these issues? I understand God can achieve anything, I've never questioned that. I seek His help (not as often as I should but, again, I'm working on it) and I have seen some change in my life. But how am I supposed to get help from community? Should my friends ask me if I went to bed on time or if I brushed my teeth correctly? Am I supposed to ask them to physically wake me up and walk me to class? This sounds like a job for a mother, and my mom is at home. There's no one here to do these things but me, and I don't like it.
I can ask for accountability, but I've found all to often that it falls through. Either my "partner" no longer shows interest or I just lie to them. I'm a good liar. I shared some personal things with some friends last semester and asked for accountability. What's happened since? I continue to fail and none of them have brought the issue up even once. I hate being vulnerable. The last time I put myself out there, it resulted in pain. How can I do that again? I know everyone's busy and that's why I hate bothering them, so I can understand why they haven't gotten back. It's just so.... disappointing.
I don't have the answers, but I'm trying. I don't always give my best, but I'm getting there. I don't know how to go about things so I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue on with life. As with lightening, I'll just take the easiest path. I want to delete this post, but I shouldn't.
I've learned that these past few years. Vulnerability changes everything. And even though it feels like you're breaking down, you end up being built back up in WAY better ways! Crazy.
ReplyDeleteAh, yes. Discipline and vulnerability-- I didn't know a thing about these skills before I came to college. Matt, they are so HARD to put into practice, but they are infinitely beneficial and necessary. You won't always be surrounded by a community of people seeking the same God, so take advantage of this chapter in your life. You are great at serving, but humble yourself enough to accept being served by others. It is so hard to ask for help, but do it anyway, even if it seems too late or too much to ask. Take measures to care for yourself so that you can be your best.
ReplyDeleteKeep your friends accountable in keeping you accountable. It sounds redundant, but we all fail and forget, ya know?