Do you believe in coincidences?

I don't. Six weeks ago, when I was distraught about my relationship with God, I got to sit down with a good friend (Kyle Kunzmann). Among many other things, he recommended to me that I read "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. He even let me borrow one of his copies. The book is a collection of short devotionals based on one or two verses of scripture. There's one for every day (kind of like those flip calendars with quotes and stuff). I don't always read it on the day I'm supposed to, but I've done really well (and made up all of those that I've missed). I really felt like sharing today's (it's based on Matthew 11:28):

"Isn't it humiliating to be told that we must come to Jesus! Think of the things about which we will not come to Jesus Christ. If you want to know how real you are, test yourself by these words - 'Come to Me...' In every dimension in which you are not real, you will argue or evade the issue altogether rather than come; you will go through sorrow rather than come; and you will do anything rather than come the last lap of the race of seemingly unspeakable foolishness and say, 'Just as I am, I come.' As long as you have even the least bit of spiritual disrespect, it will always reveal itself in the fact that you are expecting God to tell you to do something very big, and yet all He is telling you to do is to 'Come...'
      'Come to Me...' When you hear those words, you will know that something must happen in you before you can come. The Holy Spirit will show you what you have to do, and it will involve anything that will uproot whatever is preventing you from getting through to Jesus. And you will never get any further until you are willing to do that very thing. The Holy spirit will search out that one immovable stronghold within you, but He cannot budge it unless you are willing to let Him do so.
      How often have you come to god with your requests and gone away thinking, 'I've really received what I wanted this time!' And yet you go away with nothing, while all the time God has stood with His hands outstretched not only to take you but also for you to take Him. Just think of the invincible, unconquerable, and untiring patience of Jesus, who lovingly says, 'Come to Me...'"

I think it's funny that this should be the devotion I read today. Haven't I been thinking about this the past few weeks? Didn't I just recently begin to understand (although admittedly to a much smaller degree than these words explained) this very concept? God will constantly reinforce His will for our lives. If we would just wait and listen for His words, we would know this to be true.

I think I've discovered what it is the Holy Spirit is calling me to give up. And Chambers is right, I don't want to give it up and I never will on my own. And that's the very reason God sends His gift to us, through His Son (and also the reason He places convictions upon our hearts). So, I've decided to finally give it up. I know I'm not going to be able to do it on my own, but, I'm okay with that. It's going to take a while, but I want to be able to get through to Jesus, so I've determined to give it my best, and to ask His help when (not if) my best isn't good enough.

What's your immovable stronghold? Ready to overcome? I pray that you are. :-)

Facebook

A little while ago I posted about changing my Facebook habits. I've noticed recently that I'm much more excited to get on Facebook now. I know that I'm going to see things from people that I like and that I'm going to find them quickly. I've seen more posts from some of my oldest friends within the past month than I have in the rest of the four years I've been on Facebook.

So, I'm glad that I'm excited. It just reinforces my belief that cutting friends was something I needed to do. This doesn't mean I'm never going to friend anyone else ever again, but I'm definitely going to be more selective. I'm also going to be more conscience of how I interact with my friends, family, and acquaintances outside of Facebook (I know, I know, it's hard to imagine doing things in real life, but I'm sure I'll manage somehow). All things aside, I have started spending more time on Facebook now that I'm more excited about it. Not as much as I used to, but enough that it may become troublesome if I don't learn to discipline myself, and soon.

As the saying goes... "Work before play."

Count your blessings

As humans, it is super easy to complain when things aren't going our way. Today the rugby team played the 8th ranked Division III team in the nation. We lost 22-7. The score, however, is not really telling of how the game went. It would have been conceivable for us to have reversed that score. Our team played super well and just caught a few bad breaks. It was still a great game, but there's always some disappointment accompanying a loss. It was worse for me because I didn't even get to play.

I'm not saying I'm the best rugby player out there (I'm nowhere near that conceited), but I am one of the better players on the team. This has nothing to do with me at all, I just happen to have more athletic experience than most of the guys (thank you, tiny, tiny high schools). I also have more rugby experience (a whole three or four games) than most of the team. It's not much, but it does help. And it wasn't just me out, three of our other veteran players are injured as well. It's hard to think that we would have lost if all of us were healthy.

So I had a little bit of a bitter attitude today, not towards anyone specifically, just at my predicament in general. But then I got to thinking about my medical history. I have a pretty good immune system. I only ever get sick once or twice every few years. I've also got a pretty sturdy body. I'm a pretty physical person. I enjoy wrestling and football and rugby. With as physical as I am, it's no surprise that I often get "hurt." However, I can count the "life-altering" (i.e I couldn't operate normally or at least well enough to seem okay) injuries I've had on one hand.

The first was senior year of high school. I don't like counting this one but it's the only one I've gone to the hospital for. I suppose that's worth something. I was at a track meet and I got hit in the temple with a shot put. I went down but was completely fine. I still had to ride the ambulance to the hospital, get x-rays, and left with a band-aid. Most expensive band-aid ever. (Not really, it was only $2.00 but the whole trip was $600). I don't think I have any lasting side effects, but I've heard head trauma can be tricky, so who knows...

The second was my freshmen year at IWU. We were playing Frisbee in the gyms and I jumped off the wall to jump over a girl who fell in front of me. I landed with my ankle completely sideways. First sprained ankle ever. I wore a brace for a week or two, but then I was fine.

The third one was yesterday and it's fairly similar to the second. I sprained my ankle pretty badly in rugby practice. I can still walk on it, but it's easily the worst injury I've ever had. I had to sit out our game today and will probably miss the one next weekend as well. Even worse, I may have to miss Ultimate two weeks in a row :-S.

But, as I was thinking about it, I realized just how fortunate I am. I've only had three "bad" injuries. The worst of them caused me to limp for a week or two. There are people who spend every day in wheel chairs. Others have to get allergy shots once a month, or carry around inhalers at all times. How silly of me is it to be so upset over something so temporary?

So now, I praise God for my great health. I am far more fortunate than most, and I never give credit where credit is due. Hopefully I can do better from now on.

Postings

Ever since I decided I wanted to post every night, I've been keeping track of how far behind I am. A lot of times I get really tired by the time I get back to my room and I just crash. Sometimes, I'm not sure what I'm thinking so I don't want to write it down just yet. Well, at least not where other people can see it.

That was one of the biggest differences between my last girlfriend and I. When something happens to me, I like to immediately analyze and come to a conclusion. Emily needed time to mull over thoughts. I could understand why, but it was not something I ever did. Well, until now I suppose. I'm beginning to see just how important thinking things over can be. It gives me time to offer my thoughts to God and get His opinion. It allows me to voice my opinions more easily. I relate to people better.

So, while there is merit in coming to quick conclusions (it is highly possible to over think and over analyze things), I'm going to spend at least a little more time thinking things through. Hopefully this change will become evident in all of my interactions. As far as postings are concerned, I still like the "pressure" of coming up with something every night (it forces me to be intentional), but I'm going to cut myself some slack if I miss a night.

How are you?

I think that's a question many people ask but never really want the answer to. It has just become another form of "hello." I know I am guilty of it. Of course, with my "close" friends I mean it, but not to the random people walking around campus.

And what about the way we answer the question? We know that (in most cases) the person doesn't really care, they are just trying to be polite. A few weeks ago I found out that my sister is having problems again, my aunt's breast cancer is back, God and I were fighting back and forth, and I was still dealing with emotions from my breakup and people kept asking me how I was doing. Why on earth would I want to give them the real answer? Of course I simply replied, "Not too bad. How are you?" So not a lie, but nowhere near the truth.

God really convicted me of that this week and so I'm striving to do better. It's only come up a couple of times, but God has blessed me through people's reactions. They were not only supportive, but genuinely so. It was a good lift to an otherwise awful week.

So, if I see you around and ask how you are, know that I truly mean it. If you ask the same and you think I'm dodging you, please, don't let me get away with it.

Me me me me me

Last week, a friend called me out on my selfish attitude. I smiled politely and thanked her for pointing it out, but I didn't truly believe her. I'm a server. Just ask anyone. If you need anything, I'm your man. I'll give you anything I own if it'll help you. Need money? Not a problem. And I think (at least most of the time) I truly am doing this out of humility. I've come to realize that's not the kind of selfishness she meant.

I'm selfish in my relationships with people. All people, doesn't matter who.

With my residents: I want to get to know them well. I want to hang out and have fun with them, but I want them to come to me. I told them so. I have my door open all the time so they can come in and hang out and then I get sad when they don't. But do I do anything about it? Nope. Just sit and complain about poor old me. I was talking to my boss about it and he gave me some good advice. Until they feel comfortable with you in their rooms, they are not going to come to yours. Oh, so I need to take the initiative, get out of my comfort zone, and pursue them? Great.

My friends: I want to hang out all of the time and have fun. I want to share stories with them. I want to laugh and play and cry together. Do I seek them out? Nope. (See above). I want them to know how I'm doing and respond accordingly. Do I open up with them so they know the real me? Nope. Do I share how I'm hurting and what I need prayer for? Yeah right. Do I let them know how I feel about the way they respond to me? Nuh uh. Should I expect them to be the perfect friends all on their own without me having to give anything in return? Of course not... but I do.

God: I want to serve God wholeheartedly. I want to have a great relationship with Him. I want to obey Him... but only if He gives me what I deserve. I'll follow God... if He'll make life easier for me. I'll read the bible and pray... if He'll tell me His plan for my life.

And so I've come to realize, I'm super selfish. It makes me want to vomit at times. I know that I have forgiveness in Christ and that, through God's strength, I can change, but it's not going to be easy. It's easy to change your actions, but difficult to change your heart. If you see me around, feel free to call me out: I need it.

Patience vs. Passivity

God has been trying to teach me about patience lately. I thought I was getting the message and doing a great job of it, but several friends called me out last week and I've seen just how wrong I've been. Those of you that know me (which is all of you I suppose if you're reading this) know that I'm a doer. I like being active and doing things. I tend to have little patience for the planning stages of anything. This plays out interestingly in my relationship with God.

I truly want to follow God. I made that decision a long time ago and I mean(t) it. However, I've realized lately that I want to follow Him on my terms. I'll follow when He tells me what to do. Go on a missions trip? No problem. Be an R.A? Awesome. Help teach Sunday School? Now we're talking. So imagine my surprise when I ask, "What do you have for me now?" only to hear, "Be patient." 

This is completely against my nature. "I have all of these talents and gifts and you just want me to sit here? Aren't these things all going to go to waste? Couldn't I be more useful to You by DOING something?" .... "Be patient." And even that's not so bad. It's just that God's not answering in the way I want to hear. "Be patient... I'm preparing you for something big in November." "Okay, cool. I can wait until then. Thanks God." It doesn't work out that way. I get "Be patient." No timeline. No further instructions. No insight into the plan. Just, "Patience." 

So the past couple weeks I've been patient. Or so I thought. You see, patience is still action. To not act at all is to be passive or apathetic (two things I often struggle with in times of patience). Being patient means constantly asking God what His will is. More than likely, His answer will continue to be the same. However, only He knows the master schedule and when I'm going to be called into action. If I remain passive, I forget to seek His will and risk missing the call. 

And so I've pledged to do better in two ways:

1. I'm going to keep pestering God. (He's not actually going to get annoyed with me, but I like the analogy). I'm going to daily, perhaps even multiple times a day, approach His throne and seek His will. But I must remember to do so quietly. God does not speak in the earthquakes or the fire, but in the still, small voice. 

2. I'm going to have a better attitude about waiting. It goes against my human nature, but everything that God calls me to does. For that reason, this day (and every day hence) I will choose to be joyful in the fact that I am in God's will instead of grumbling because I'm in the dark.

Kate Cook....

Is one of the first people I knew when I came to IWU. In fact, the first thing I heard at IWU when I checked in for NSO was, "Oh, your leader is Kate Cook. She's great." There's not been a day when she hasn't lived up to the proclamation. Sadly (for me, but happily for her), she is no longer here. But, she does visit on occasion. :-)

My emotions concerning Kate have been all over the spectrum over the course of time. As a freshmen, I was in awe of my fantastic leader. This awe turned (for a short period) into a crush. That too soon passed (not because she wasn't worthy of such feelings, but because I realized I was out of my league and moved on). As I got to know Kate better, I kind of started dreading our interactions.

Kate is a very beautiful person. She radiates God's light at all times and I was often intimidated by that. Even worse, her favorite question is, "How's your heart/ what's God doing in your life?" I had never been asked that before. I was a pastor's son, of course everything with me and God was fine and dandy. Why would anyone question that? (Could you tell that I have a problem opening up sometimes?)

Luckily for me, Kate is persistent and didn't give up on me. As I've matured (and I can confidently say this has indeed happened) I've come to appreciate Kate's intentional nature. When we talk, she helps me analyze myself and my attitudes. Last time she was here, she called me out on some attitudes I had. It was tough to hear, but definitely needed.

And so my feelings for Kate have indeed come full circle. I am constantly in awe of her example of what it means to be a Christ follower. She is one of the spiritual giants in my life and for that, I am glad. I 'm constantly amazed by the people God places in our lives and thankful He deigned to put Kate in mine.

Happiness/Joy, sometimes it's a choice.

Today has been the best day I've had in quite a while. I woke up on time. I showered. I went to class. I did pretty well on my quiz. Came back and thought about important things. Went to racquetball. Played well. It was a really good day. My emotions have been all over the place lately but, today, it seemed like all of that was over. And to think, it was only eleven.

And then it happened. God and life slapped me in the face. And not in a bad way at all, it was just tough and unexpected. And thus God reminded me about happiness and joy. If I'm just going to float along in life, affected by the parts of my day, I'm never going to be happy. Instead, I'm going to have to work for my joy. It's all about the attitudes we have.

The day has turned out better since then, but I had to immediately turn to God for strength. How great He is to never abandon me to my own emotions and to carry me when I can't do it myself.

Homecoming

I had a really good conversation with an alumnus today. Her name is Kate Cook. She is great. I'll give you the longer story soon. I'm just too tired right now.

Update

In the Tree post, I talked about being able to see where God is leading, what He has promised to us, but not exactly knowing how to get there. Miss Anne Johns had another great point in the comments which I would encourage you to read. But, to sum it up, sometimes it just takes patience.

I had patience illustrated to me in another way today. I was speaking with a friend and they likened patience in tough situations to the patience the Israelites had to have when they were wandering in the desert for forty years. They knew God had promised them a land of milk and honey. After only a few year (or months even) they were most likely already pretty sorry for having doubted God. They certainly had learned the lesson, yet God made them wait forty years.

Part of the reason was so HE wouldn't be a liar. But the larger reason may have been because He wanted to teach them patience. And not only that, through the time of wandering, the time of patience, He wanted them to know they needed to be fully reliant on Him. They wouldn't survive without His manna and quail. He went before them as a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire to guide them. They would have been completely lost without Him.

Application:

Sometimes God has to remove the prize from your sight so you will focus on what is truly important. With the prize so close, it is easy to forget that God (and our relationship with Him) is the most wonderful thing we could ever have. It doesn't mean God won't deliver on His promises, it just means He is going to make sure we are in the right frame of mind to receive His gifts without loosing sight of the Greatest Gift.

Why does it have to be so hard?

I've talked a lot lately about patience. That's pretty much the biggest thing God has put on my mind and heart the past month. I came to the realization today that I'm really good at interpreting this, I'm really good at explaining it, but I'm super terrible at actually practicing it. I know what I'm supposed to do, I can tell you exactly why I'm supposed to do it, but I can't do it.

And it's not that I'm not trying, I am, it's just my heart isn't in it. I think the biggest reason for that is because it's not fun. It's hard. I don't like hard things. I know they are good for me, but I have a hard time looking past the inconvenience it causes me. And somehow, I'm really surprised that I was surprised by that realization.

In our culture, instant gratification is paramount. It has to feel good and it has to happen now. But I don't think that's it. If God promised He would give me a great job doing XYZ in year 20XX, I think I would be totally happy waiting, even if it were 2050. As long as I had a timeline, I would be okay. So it's not the fact that I have to wait, it's that I don't know how long I'll be waiting. That, to me, is torture.

As I was talking to Wesley today (see post below) I discovered why I might feel that way. Wes has a pretty good knowledge of the Bible (I think he's a Bib. Lit major). He shared with me that, in the Old Testament, the word patience actually means prolonged suffering. Hmm, no wonder I feel tortured. It is through the process of having patience that we become "worthy" of God's gifts for us. It's not going to be easy or fun, but it will always be worth.

Hopefully this time I won't just say it and know it, but actually live it. That's my challenge for the week.

Small Group

A week or so ago I talked about friends and small group. I have been getting a lot more social time which is great, but I suppose it can still improve. I really really really like small group though. The guys are open and aren't afraid to ask really tough questions. Each week I'm amazed by the men around me. As part of the group, we are assigned an accountability partner that we "have" to meet with once a week. My partner is Wesley Stark, and he is a South Hall freshman.

When I got paired with Wes, I wasn't sure how I felt. I'm a fifth year senior. He's a freshman. What could he possibly share with me? Sure, he could check in to see if I were doing my devotions and tithing and abstain from all sexual immorality, but nearly anyone could do that. I felt like this was just going to be another mentoring relationship where I shared my five years of wisdom with him, helped answer his every problem, and shared my personal feelings when needed. He and I met for the first time today. He blew me away.

Wes is a terrific man of God. He's so on fire that it is astounding. I had to apologize for judging him based on his age. God kind of slapped me in the face with that one. As I was sharing how I was doing and what was going through my mind, he continually spoke truth into my life. Not just truth, but truth I really needed to hear in that moment. I'm super excited to keep meeting with him. I only hope I'm able to encourage and equip him as much as he's already done for me.

Age

Lately I've been discovering just how old I am. Certainly my body enjoys reminding me daily. I usually ache when I get out of bed in the morning. Today I had visible knots in my back, pretty sure that's not a good thing. I've also realized I begin most of my stories with "When I was a freshmen" and proceed to talk about things and people nobody around me has any recollection of. In one sense, I am happy because I worry about immaturity sometimes and it's good to see how far I've come by reminiscing and realizing it has been a long time. On the other hand, it saddens me that I don't share as much with those around me as I used to. I feel I'm loosing touch.

I think the weirdest thing has been my stomach. I'm pretty sure it lost three sizes, kind of like Jim Carey's heart in "The Grinch". I used to be able to eat a lot, now I'm feeling sick after half a plate of food and a glass of water. Nate thinks it's because I'm depressed, which I'm not sure I agree with. It would make sense though. I think it is just my metabolism slowing down. Whatever the case, I'm having to be much more careful with what I put on my tray. I'm sure it's good for me, but it's tough to have to think about. If this is what old age is like, I don't want to have to think about it. :-S

Terrible Kelly Clarkson Song

So, you guys may or may not know, my eyes are usually hazel. I say usually because, on occasion, they change to a more solid color (varying between blue, green, and yellow). Each of these are associated with my mood. Blue is melancholy, green is happy, and yellow is angry. I can only recall one time that my eyes have been yellow. Generally, they are predominantly green with some blue and yellow mixed in.

With all that's been going on lately, I would expect my eyes to be pretty blue. However, as I was shaving today I took the time to stop and search my own soul (via my windows of course [a.k.a my eyes]) and, to my surprise, they were almost completely yellow. And I have no idea why. I don't think I'm angry at anyone. I've been upset with God a little lately and definitely myself, but that has never affected me this strongly before.

I think I need to take a while and evaluate how I'm really doing. Hopefully, it is just a fleeting thing. I just checked and they're returning to blue, but I really want to know where the yellow came from.

Where have all the good times gone?

So, I just went through and counted and I'm somehow six days behind. Not sure where the time went, but I've been thinking about enough I'm sure I can fill in the void.

This year, I finally talked myself out of talking myself out of trying out for University Singers. For whatever reason, the past four years I haven't let myself do it (probably fear of rejection/failure). Anyway, I tried out and am now a tenor. It has been tons of fun. The teacher is really cooky, but I like him a lot. His teaching methods are much different than any other choir director I have sung under. He likes to just dive into the music and let us work it out as we go along. It has taken some getting used to, but I can appreciate it because I realize how much better it is making me. A lot of people don't share my optimism.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people aren't understanding of others. I think the place it comes out the most is at restaurants. People are terrible to their servers. The job is terrible enough anyway, it doesn't pay super well, and they have to deal with ungrateful people all day. One more poor attitude isn't needed. As I've been in college though, I've realized that it happens a lot with teachers as well. And usually (but not always) people's attitudes are soured because the teacher isn't using methods they are used to. Heaven forbid students would have to put forth any effort in order to learn.

I was very guilty of that my freshman year but God really convicted me at it and I've come to see it in a different light. Everyone is different. Teaching and learning styles can be highly variable as life goes on and locations are changed. College, with all of its different professors (and really, they are only professors: it's not their job to teach you, just to "profess" the information so you can process and run with it) and students is a great place to get accustomed to dealing with these differences. I just wish people would take a step back and learn to see things through the eyes of others. Our world would be a much nicer place if they did.

Without further ado....

The much anticipated tree story.

I feel like I can see where God is sending me, but I have no idea how to get there. It's like getting a Frisbee (or ball, but I like Frisbees better) stuck at the very top of a tall, spindly tree. You can see where it is, but you have no idea how to get it down. After circling the trunk for a while searching for the best approach, you decide it's time to try retrieving the disc. After several attempts, you are still at the bottom of the tree, scraped, bloody, and with a bit of a dent in your pride.

This is how I feel now. I think I know where the Frisbee is (a.k.a God's will for my life) and so I'm going after it with my strength. Not only am I no closer to my goal, I have embarrassed myself several times in the process. My options are to keeping trying on my own (and we all know how that will end up) or to stop and ask God for help.

Sometimes, God shows us the path up the tree. Sure, we're probably going to get a few more bumps and bruises on the way up, but we'll eventually be playing Frisbee with our friends once again and be stronger for the adventure. Other times, God tells us to turn around and that's when we notice the ladder that is (conveniently) the perfect height to reach our prize.

Translation:

Sometimes God wants us to endure hardships so we can mature and grow in our physical, mental, and spiritual lives. At other times, we're making things difficult for ourselves because we are relying on our own wisdom and strength to get what we want. When we take the time to ask God for help, all our problems become much simpler.

Hopefully I'll get this lesson through my head sometime soon. I'm tired of all these bumps and continually embarrassing myself.

Facebook Grade: F

So, there's been a lot of photos going around from an application that rates your Facebook performance. Categories include number of friends, number of posts, number of videos, number of likes, etc... I refuse to use needless apps, but, if I did, I know I would be evaluated at an F. And yet, I feel this means I'm getting an A in life. As nice a tool as Facebook is, that is all it is: a tool.

Sophomore, Junior, and Senior year one, I was way too caught up in Facebook. "Stalking" my friends, playing games, staying "entertained" in class, all of these took up tons of my time. And the more time I spent on Facebook, the less I spent with my friends in real life. The more friends I had on Facebook, the less involved I was in each of their lives. That's one thing God used Emily to challenge me on. During the school year and summer, Emily contemplated getting rid of her Facebook altogether because it wasn't as meaningful an interaction with friends as she desired. She opted to keep it, but cut out a lot of friends.

I recently did the same thing. I had 556 friends; now I'm at 232. Already I've seen an improvement. Because I have less friends to follow, I am spending less time online (and I stopped all Facebook games but one). Also, when I do get on, I can more quickly see information about the people I care about most, no more must I sort through all of the posts from that creepy guy I was in a class with once in high school or that girl who feels obligated to forward an invitation for every organization that is looking for monetary assistance.

And that is not to say I don't care about the 324 people I cut. A lot of them I do like and would call friends, I just am not as involved in their lives as I am with those I've kept. I'm not saying this is for everyone, but I know it has helped me out a lot. If you have been considering it, I encourage you to try it. If you don't like it, you can always just add the people back later. What's one awkward explanation between friends?

Words

It's strange how much words can hurt... and help. The tongue has the power to lift and to tear down. Yet, the ability to use words (as in writing) can be calming, peaceful, a good way to vent, cathartic (as Bethany would point out). Even when not having a "fun" conversation, words can bring peace and joy. And so it is with me in this moment. :-)

P.S Congratulations to Gabe Melian and Felicia Styers on their engagement. It was great getting to see them today and just share in their joy, regardless of whatever other stresses were going on in my life. I'm glad God gave us the ability to do that.

Bleh

That's pretty much how I've been feeling lately and I'm not sure why. I'll have some meaningful posts coming soon, I promise.