Me me me me me

Last week, a friend called me out on my selfish attitude. I smiled politely and thanked her for pointing it out, but I didn't truly believe her. I'm a server. Just ask anyone. If you need anything, I'm your man. I'll give you anything I own if it'll help you. Need money? Not a problem. And I think (at least most of the time) I truly am doing this out of humility. I've come to realize that's not the kind of selfishness she meant.

I'm selfish in my relationships with people. All people, doesn't matter who.

With my residents: I want to get to know them well. I want to hang out and have fun with them, but I want them to come to me. I told them so. I have my door open all the time so they can come in and hang out and then I get sad when they don't. But do I do anything about it? Nope. Just sit and complain about poor old me. I was talking to my boss about it and he gave me some good advice. Until they feel comfortable with you in their rooms, they are not going to come to yours. Oh, so I need to take the initiative, get out of my comfort zone, and pursue them? Great.

My friends: I want to hang out all of the time and have fun. I want to share stories with them. I want to laugh and play and cry together. Do I seek them out? Nope. (See above). I want them to know how I'm doing and respond accordingly. Do I open up with them so they know the real me? Nope. Do I share how I'm hurting and what I need prayer for? Yeah right. Do I let them know how I feel about the way they respond to me? Nuh uh. Should I expect them to be the perfect friends all on their own without me having to give anything in return? Of course not... but I do.

God: I want to serve God wholeheartedly. I want to have a great relationship with Him. I want to obey Him... but only if He gives me what I deserve. I'll follow God... if He'll make life easier for me. I'll read the bible and pray... if He'll tell me His plan for my life.

And so I've come to realize, I'm super selfish. It makes me want to vomit at times. I know that I have forgiveness in Christ and that, through God's strength, I can change, but it's not going to be easy. It's easy to change your actions, but difficult to change your heart. If you see me around, feel free to call me out: I need it.