Motivation

It's been really hard to stay motivated lately. I was pondering why that was today and I suddenly came to a conclusion. A very surprising conclusion actually. I'm not busy enough. Whenever I have a lot going on, it's easy for me to schedule it: if I don't, it won't get done. However, I have most afternoons free. This allows me to tell myself, "I have six or seven hours until bed time, I'm sure I'll do it somewhere in there." Two hours past bed time I'm saying, "Next time, I'll start way earlier and just get it out of the way." Of course, that seldom happens.

So, how do you motivate yourself without pressure? I've long ago realized that I'm a procrastinator because I need the pressure of deadlines. I put it off to the last minute because then I can work to my fullest, knowing I'm running out of time. It usually turns out fine (whatever I'm working on) but I am horribly tired afterwards, a terrible side effect. 

The answer to my question? Of course it's something God's been hammering on me for the past week and a half. Self-discipline. It's not just for your spiritual life. So that's my goal for the next few weeks (and life really). Unfortunately, that doesn't save me from the hole I've dug for myself tonight... :-S

Friends

Got to go over to Kyle's today and talk. It was good. I really like him. We watched yeast activate for a while. It was lots of fun. Did you know it's super delicate, yeast that is? A difference in temperature of 20 degrees Fahrenheit is all it takes to activate yeast and kill it. Killed yeast = bad bread. But we weren't making bread. We were making Naan. Why? I don't know, but it sounded like fun.

Then we got to talk about life and school and more life. It ended with the watching of two dragons teaching Aang and Zuko how to fire-bend without using hatred. All in all, a good hang out time. Now I get to go to the store with my sister, Kelli Miller, and buy food for our event tomorrow. I'm pretty stoked. :-)

Hmmmm

So, I know I wrote a post last night. It was a good one too: something about God's plan and climbing a tree. In my tired stupor I must have neglected to push publish. Or I got iprism-ed. I hate it when that happens. In either event, I will re-type it, I promise. Just not tonight. I'm feeling really strange so I'm just going to go to bed. I'll need three tomorrow to make up for it, but I'm okay with that. There's plenty going on in here to write three good (okay, maybe mediocre) posts. Stay tuned. :-)

Further Theories on Sleep

If you are having trouble sleeping, I have compiled a list of reasons why*:

1. You are not feeling well.
2. You took too many naps during the day.
3. You haven't been awake long enough yet.
4. You had too much sugar or caffeine recently.
5. You have something on your mind that you need to work out.
6. God really wants to have a talk with you.

One is just an unfortunate circumstance. Try medicine; hopefully it will help. Two, three, and four are your own fault. Five and six are more serious. If this is the case, I suggest you do not ignore it. Getting up and spending time resolving the issue(s) will be well worth it in the end. :-)

On an unrelated note, I've been using a planner and it has been wonderful.

*This list is the express view of the Author of this post and does not reflect any actual scientific study. The list is merely suggestive and nowhere near exhaustive. Viewer's discretion is advised.

A Treatise on the Uses, Effects, and Necessity of Sleep

Sleep is an interesting thing. Oftentimes, it is easily attained. Being one of life's most basic needs, this is a good thing. There are even time when sleep confronts and overcomes a person unwittingly. And yet, at other times, sleep is a very elusive prey. Coincidentally [if you believe in coincidences that is (which I don't...)] it can be exactly at the times we most want/need sleep that it decides to play hard to get. Unfortunately, that's my life tonight.

And now, something completely unrelated except for the fact that it has to deal with sleep:

Sleep is like a bank account. Being awake is making a withdrawal and sleeping is making a deposit. When staying up late (to do homework, hang out with friends, etc...) you are withdrawing more than usual. This can be offset by sleeping in or taking a nap at some other time, thereby adding an extra deposit.

Just like money, you can go into sleep debt. Too much awake time is bad for the account balance. Another way to combat this is to take out a loan. Unfortunately, in the world of sleep, all loans are risky and high interest. These are found in the way of energy drinks, coffee, or extreme amounts of sugar. They accomplish the task of keeping you awake but they are near impossible to pay back in a timely matter and they result in a higher debt when all is said and done.

When in supreme sleep debt, you begin to be overtaken by sleep against your will. This is akin to a bookie sending his "associates" to call in your debt. In both cases, you wind up feeling terrible afterwards. Unlike in real life, there is no way to declare bankruptcy. The only thing that is close is dying, not a favorable option. On the other hand, death is said to be the "great sleep."

Moral of the story: Sleep always wins. Don't fight the inevitable.

Just Talkin'

So, a lot of my posts lately have been deep and theological and emotional. That wasn't necessarily my intention, I was just typing what was on my mind and heart. Tonight's is much more lighthearted.  I've been doing a lot of growing lately which has been good. Tonight, I had conversations with two good friends and just received a lot of affirmation on my trains of thoughts, decisions I've made recently, and plans for the future. It's good to be affirmed. Friends: God's gifts to us.

Part Deux

So, has anyone else ever been sitting in a sermon (be it church, camp, or chapel) and felt like the message was directed right at them? This happened nearly every summit I went to this week. Tuesday night was especially hard hitting. I had procrastinated my homework for Math Senior Seminar all weekend, Monday, and Tuesday. I wasn't going to go to Summit because I had so much to do. And yet, through some friends, I felt convicted to go. So, I sat down after enjoying a good time of worship and began listening to the speaker. What was the first thing she began talking about? Setting aside time for God.

This is something God has been convicting me of for almost the past month. I am involved in a lot of stuff. Good, even great stuff. But all of these activities, in the "purest" or most spiritual things such as teaching Sunday School, pale in comparison to the importance of my relationship with Him. I spend all week loving and pouring out to others that, by the end of the day, I have nothing left to give anyone, even those who truly deserve it. This has been happening for years. I love pouring out to others, but I am doing so with a limited cup, one that I haven't had filled in a long time. And, not surprisingly, the cup has been very dry of late.

The speaker encouraged us to set aside time for us. We need to love others, that is one of God's greatest commandments, but we need to love Him first. And in our love for Him and others, we need to take care of ourselves, not out of selfishness, but as a function of our loves. When we seek to take care of ourselves, we need to go to God. That is all He has ever asked of us, a deep, love relationship with Him. With this relationship develops and takes hold, our cups begin to overflow and, out of love for others, we go and pour into those around us. This is done by our own strength, but by Christ in us. So, for the umpteenth time this week, God has challenged me in my relationship with Him, and I am, once again, astounded by His desire for me.

At the same time, the speaker mentioned something about us being too afraid to follow God's plan. And that's when I stopped tracking. What in the world did these two seemingly disjoint things have to do with one another? Right now, God is calling me to get an education and to serve others through Residence Life and Student Development, two things I love doing. There is no fear in my life, right?

And then I began analyzing my habits. Why do I check my email so many times a day? Why am I constantly seeing every little thing my friends are doing on Facebook? Why do I check Blogger numerous times to see if anyone's been reading my posts and commenting or sharing things about their lives on their own wall? And then I read my blog. Why have I been phrasing things the way I have? What is my underlying motivation. And then God slowly began to show me my fear.

I fear that I am alone and I am not loved. I check all of these internet tools in the hope someone will prove me wrong. So and so wrote on my wall, they must be thinking of me. A follower commented on my blog, someone does care. But most times, the exact opposite happens. So and so commented on so and so else's wall and not mine. Why aren't they thinking about me? Why does that person have so many more followers than me? Why am I constantly alone in my room while everyone else around me is having fun? Why am I not loved?

That's when I knew God had to be speaking to me. These two, seemingly disjoint messages presented in the same sermon, were actually two parts of the same coin, a coin God wanted me to inspect. I have neglected my health and well being for so long that lies were buried deeply into my heart. I forgot one of the basic truths of our world: God is Love and He is Here.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." -- Joshua 1:9

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” -- Deuteronomy 31:6

"For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16

And so I am reminded. God loves me more than I deserve or can imagine and He will never leave me alone. Because of that, I never have to be afraid.

Thought One

So, for some random reason, yesterday I was thinking about the story of Abraham and Isaac where God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son. As the story goes, Abraham goes through with God's plan (probably not very happily but completely willingly) but is stopped by an angel at the last moment. God was just testing Abraham's devotion and he passed the test. However, what if God had wanted more?

Now, God is a good and gracious god and He had promised to make the descendants of Abraham like the many stars or grains of sand. More than that, God promised to do all of this through Isaac. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a fifth year senior) to understand that no Isaac means no descendants. However, our God is also one of power.

If Abraham had completed the deed and sacrificed Isaac, that would not make God a liar. Several times in the bible, God raises the dead. Who says He could not have done the same with Isaac? What if, more than testing Abraham's devotion in the moment, God wanted to test Abraham through hard times? Certainly for me (and I'm sure this is true for others) I can do something in the moment because I know it is God's will but afterwards I get confused, angry, and frustrated with Him. What if He wanted to test Abraham for a longer period of time? Certainly explaining to his servants and wife Sarah what had happened would not have been fun. But, in that explanation, people could not question Abraham's obedience, for better or worse.

And what if, after this time of testing, God returned Isaac to his parents (which is certainly within God's power to do)? Not only would God have tested Abraham's devotion before, in, and after a hard time, but He would still be fulfilling His promises. Our God is not a liar.

So how does this apply? Sometimes I think we interpret God's actions as reneging on His promises to us. What we so clearly heard God promise us seems to be taken even as we are about to close our hands around it. Does this mean God is a liar? Of course not. I'm beginning to see it as another way God shows His love to us (tough love, my favorite...). His ways are higher than our ways and all things will happen in His time. What we see as God taking something away may actually be Him asking us to have patience. He wants to make sure we are adequately prepared for His blessings in our lives.

Remember, God wants to give good things to His children. If God makes a promise with you, He will bless you without a doubt, you just need to have patience. Sometimes God says yes right away. Yet sometimes, He asks us to wait.

Loophole

So, I promised I would post before I went to bed every night. Therefore, if I don't go to bed I don't have to post... right?

Just kidding. But, I'm to tired to think straight right now so I'm going to save my post for tomorrow. It'll be double to make up for it, I promise.

Close... So very, very close...

I was literally seconds from falling asleep and I remembered my promise. I tried rationalizing not blogging, even though I promised myself I would. Eventually, I remembered one of the things God has me working on is discipline so, here I am (albeit begrudgingly).

This week is Summit week at school. This means the same speaker gives six different messages in three days. I really like our speaker this year. She is real, honest, open, engaging, and on fire with God. Tonight she shared about two tough experiences in her life this past year. One was going to Mother Theresa's "house" in Calcutta and doing nothing but laundry the whole time (while she was sick and in 120 degree weather which made the experience even worse). She could not understand why, with all of the problems going on right outside the door, God had called her to do laundry (without a machine). She felt there was so much more she could do for the people in the city, but that is not where she was being called.

The second instance was this spring. Her mother was very sick and there was nothing the doctors could do. There was nothing she could do for her mother. She fought and she argued and got angry at God, but her mother still died. And it was in those two moments she had a choice. She could become angry at God for "cheating" her and keeping her in the dark. She could become embittered by the injustices of the world. Or, she could accept God's will and seek His plan for her life, even if she did not know what it was. She chose the latter and I hope and pray, when faced with a similar choice, I will be able to do the same. She had a quote tonight I really liked so that is what I will leave you with.

In the midst of these two events, this was her decision:

"You are God. I am not. You know Your plans for me. I don't. But I'll choose to follow you anyway, for Your ways are higher than my ways."

Lesson from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World Self-respect > Love (Just read the post and it'll make more sense)

So lately I've been thinking a lot about change and what motivates us to do so. Often times, change is prompted in part by those we love. And this is a perfectly natural and healthy thing. In dating and marriage, each person needs to make concessions to the other, to make changes for the good of the relationship as a whole. And yet, I feel these aren't the best kind of changes that can be made.

I know that there are a lot of changes in my life that need to be made and I can approach them from two different angles. The first angle is to prove to someone, be it my friends or my ex-girlfriends or my family or my boss, that I can be better. And, again, this isn't necessarily bad. However, the problem is that I'm not taking ownership of the change. I'm only changing to gain something (love, approval, respect, etc...) from those around me. For too long this is how I have viewed change.

The second angle, the one I am now starting to take (only with the grace of and strength from God), is to change for myself. I want to change so I can be better. I want to grow closer to Him because I know I need to and, more importantly, I know that's what he is calling me to. I have had to remind myself several times the past two days that I can't make the changes. No matter how hard I try, I can't make myself the perfect man. It requires me going to God daily to be filled, listening to His voice, and following where He leads me.

So yes, I will be changing because I think the people in my life deserve more. I want to give a girlfriend all that she deserves. I want deep, meaningful friendships with people. I want to give my best at everything I do. And that's going to take growth and change. However, I'm not doing it for those reasons. These things are all great reminders and they certainly give me strength to persevere. However, I'm changing for me. Because I hear God's calling in my life and I certainly never want to let Him down.

Last one for the night, I promise.... Well, if insomnia lets me go to sleep I suppose.

I got an unexpected gift from God today. The past two days I have been on duty. This means I am "trapped" in my dorm from 7 p.m to 7 a.m. During that time, I go around talking with people and just hanging out. This weekend the dorm was surprisingly empty. I spent most of my time in my room. Alone. It was good in the sense that I got to practice a lot of guitar (about three hours) and finished some homework, but the extrovert side of me was not very happy.

I really needed quality time with someone. My friends all had plans. Plans that didn't involve staying in South Hall, thereby excluding me (albeit not purposefully). So at 6 p.m I decided it would probably be a good idea to eat something. I went to the student center and the line for Mario's was ridiculously long and Wildcat was already closed. I decided to try to make it to Baldwin but no such luck there either. I decided just to head back to South and eat a wonderful meal of Ramen. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw someone who I knew so I turned to look. At the same time, Andrew Hanna turned to look at me.

Andrew and I worked together as R.A's last year. He is a really solid Christian guy and I really like him a lot. I didn't allow myself to get close to him last year which I regret, but I had seen him earlier in the semester and had a desire to sit and talk with him at some point. He was in the same boat I was on the food situation so he invited me to dinner at Mario's with him. While in line, we got to talk about our summers and how the semester is shaping up as far as classes go. Then I got to hear about his relationship and it was exciting but definitely struck a chord.

We sat and talked for an hour and I got to share the current events in my life, how God is working in me, and what I have been struggling with recently. All in all, it was a great heart to heart and just what I needed (even though I didn't know it's what I needed until afterwards). To top it all off, Andrew invited me to join a small group bible study that he attends/runs. I'm super excited about it and feel God is going to use it to do great things in my life. As I was thinking about this, a passage came to mind. I'll leave it as my parting thought for the night.

Matthew 7:11 "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him?" (And even when we don't ask Him!)

I'm as open as a clam making a pearl.

Friends. That word can mean a lot. I have always struggled with friends. Two of my strengths on the StrengthsQuest test are Includer and Connectedness. I like seeing how things can connect and using those connections to include all those around me in whatever I'm doing. These traits have allowed me to fit in with almost anyone around. In high school I was a "member" of all of the stereotypical groups: jocks, geeks, nerds, outcasts, Church kids, I fit into all of them. This is both a good and a bad thing. I'm able to identify with almost anyone, however, this strength can also be a weakness.

Because I can fit in almost anywhere, I cannot become as strongly connected with people. Think about it. If you are a jock and nothing but a jock, the only people you can hang out with are other jocks. Therefore, you're going to spend a lot of time with and grow very close to all of the other jocks. I on the other hand, will spend some time with the jocks, some with the nerds, etc.. I often feel both comfortable in a group and an outsider at the same time. Kind of the "lonely in a crowd of people" concept. And that is a tough place to be.

There are people I would consider my closest friends. However, I doubt they would say the same about me. Sure, I'm a friend, perhaps even a good friend, but they are much closer to others than with me. And yet, I cannot fault them for that. I am bad at opening up and sharing myself with others. Often times, this holds them at a distance. So is it their "fault" they're not closer to me or have I been sending signals that I don't want to get any closer?

And suddenly another thought came to my mind. What if this is the very reason I skip around between groups so much? Perhaps I fear getting close to others so I become surface friends with everyone which allows me the freedom to hang out, have fun, skip around, and avoid showing the ugliness that is my human failures. Hmmm... Something to think about indeed.

Remember that game we used to play when we were kids?

Life has changed a lot lately. Work and school have started. Friends and residents have returned. I have a lot more responsibility now than I did this summer. However, it is something I enjoy and so I draw energy from it. However, change is always draining on a person.

The biggest change is that I am no longer in a relationship. It's been hard to deal with at times: God and I have had a lot of arguments lately, but I can see Him at work. He keeps showing me how much He knows and cares about me. I think I have everything figured out only to have the rug pulled out from under me. Suddenly things that were all but certain are shaky at best. It's not a lot of fun but, then again, growth seldom is.

Being single again has caused me to reflect a lot on the past five months. They were, without a doubt, the best five months of my life. Emily is a terrific woman of God and she taught me a lot about God, being in a healthy, Christian relationship, and life in general. I cannot thank God enough for what I learned from our relationship. However, looking back I can see some things that should not have been.

When I ended my second relationship, I knew God was calling me to be single so I could work on myself. I needed to learn more and grow more before I was ready to be in a relationship. When I was thinking of asking Emily out, I was very unsure of myself. It had been less than six months. Was that enough time to grow? How would I know if I was ready? I spent a lot of time in prayer and I felt God saying, "You're ready. Believe in yourself." His time frame is never the same as ours. Feeling better, I continued my pursuit and began my fantastic relationship with Emily.

And therein lay my folly. I saw the relationship as the end goal. God led me into a relationship, therefore I was done growing. But that's just it, the relationship wasn't meant to be the end, just a marker along the way. It's one thing to study something and another to put the knowledge into practice. I can read about surgeries all day. However, that knowledge will do me little good unless I put it into practice in the operating room. Coming back to dating, "practicing" for dating isn't as helpful as actually working within a relationship.

And that's not to say I stopped growing completely. A lot of things in my life changed during the past five months, good and wonderful things. However, they were just a byproduct of the relationship, not intentionally gained growth. I was just on cruise control, happy with where I was. That's why it was very hard to deal with the break up. "God, I thought you said I was ready. Now you're telling me I'm not? What happened? I know I've grown so how could I have been ready then and now I'm not?". Sometimes I feel like the slowest learner in the world. God must be playing a cosmic game of whack-a-mole with my arguments and excuses, bopping down one after the other in the seemingly endless stream running from my head.

It's only taken me two weeks, but I'm beginning to see where He's leading me. I've definitely come back to a daily dependence on Him: not on my girlfriend, not on my friends, not even on myself, but on the One who's strength is never failing. He builds me up each day and gives me what I need. Not what I want or even think I need, but what He knows I NEED.

And this has been my prayer: "Lord, today, please give me the patience to listen and wait for You, the wisdom to discern what it is You are telling me, and the strength and conviction necessary to carry out Your will for my life.

I know what I want... right?

Around the fourth of July, a lot of people from work were planning on going to a firework show somewhere (there were several around the Marion area to choose from). We talked about it during meals and we all expressed how excited we were to go. Come the night of the festivities, one of my friends who was supposed to be on call (a.k.a wasn't allowed to be more than five minutes from campus) asked if I would cover for them so they could go watch fireworks. I was a little upset for two reasons:

1. No one had invited me to go.
2. She knew how much I wanted to go and she still asked me to stay behind.

I am not one to tell people no so I begrudgingly agreed. Part of the reason was because Emily wasn't able to go because she had family coming so we were going to go out with them. After dinner, I was planning on just hanging out with Emily and watching a movie or something. However, I got a call from work saying they needed extra people to come in and drive golf carts (see post below). So, not only did I not get to see fireworks, I didn't get to hang out with Emily either AND I didn't have a working phone so I couldn't even text Emily while I was waiting for passengers.

Needless to say, I was frustrated and in a terrible mood. The night proved to be a lot of waiting around; not many people were out and about because it was supposed to storm. The lack of passengers gave me time to sit and think and voice my frustrations to God. I was feeling better after a while, but still upset about the fireworks. Then the storm started. There wasn't much rain, but the lightening was spectacular. I have never seen such big, bright, and beautiful lightening in my life.

I thought I knew what I wanted: time with friends and pretty fireworks. Instead I got time to reflect and a my own lightening show. God knew what my soul needed, even when I didn't. I was asking for bread, and, in return, God gave me a steak.

Cultures

During this summer on Conference Services staff, we had a lot of interesting groups come in. One of my favorites was the Indian Brethren Fellowship. For some reason, Indian Brethren made me think Native American (or First People or whatever the politically correct term is nowadays). I was surprised indeed to walk into Baldwin amidst a sea of sarees.

All pre-conceived notions aside though, this was one of my favorite weeks. First of all, we got to use golf carts to shuttle them around. I love driving golf carts (brings back lots of good high school memories on the golf course with my best friends and my father). Secondly, I got to have a lot of interesting conversations with them. They all loved the fact that I was majoring in mathematics and computer software (go figure..... :-)  ).  

I was also witnessed to several times because the people "just wanted to make sure" everyone around them knew about Jesus. At night, they would all sit together and just exchange stories about their lives over the past year and how God had been working. We had to kick them out of the student Center every night.

This aspect of their culture is something I wish ours had. It seems to me that we are way to busy. Sitting is seen as being lazy or boring. We need to be doing something in order to be having a "good" or "successful" day. We forget the importance of the people in our lives and begin to focus on the things. God definitely used this group to challenge how I interacted with those around me and reevaluate where I focus my energy and attention.

Blogging

So, it's been 70 days since I last posted. I am amazed to see how difficult it is to actually keep a steady stream of posts going. Blogging, in and of itself, is relatively easy. All one must needs do is type out their thoughts. However, no matter how many times I think, "I should really blog about this.", it never seems to make it up here. I think having a significant other can contribute to lack of blogging for anyone. Part of the purpose of a blog is to talk through things you have been thinking about. If you are dating or married to someone, you are already talking about the things you are thinking and, better yet, you are getting feedback from someone who cares about you.

All that aside though, I think it is still a good idea to work through your own thoughts. So, I am challenging myself to blog every night before bed. I'm not sure how long I want this to last for, but I know it will be helpful in any event. I have three or four more for tonight (two of which I have wanted to blog about since my last posts) and I hope they'll make up for my long absence. Please enjoy. Or don't. It's up to you really. I would like to think I'm not boring you all though. :-)

Matty

I am the third of four children in my family. I have an older brother and sister (Michael and Meghan) and a younger sister (Matricia A.K.A Matty). We get along well I suppose, but we aren't that close as a family. There's a lot more behind this than I feel like typing out or putting on the web (ask me if you want to know and I'll happily tell you, just not on here), but suffice it to say we may love each other, but we don't always like each other.

Matty has been the most interesting of the bunch. Mom says that when we were little, I tried to be Matty's best friend. One day, I was trying to be helpful and Matty started crying and told me to go away. Mom says I have teased her ever since. Whatever the reason, I'm not the big brother I should be for Matty.

Matty has had an interesting life the past few years. All of us kids have ADD or ADHD in one capacity or another. Matty can't put things together. All of her actions are disjoint. For this reason, she isn't to happy with my mother (who is the disciplinarian in the family). Matty doesn't understand that her actions have consequences; all she knows is Mom is grounding her for something and it's just not fair.

Matty is also the youngest child, so she has a lot to live up to. We live in a small town and the teachers have (almost) all been there forever and so had us older three in class. Michael was good at sports. Meghan was smart (although lazy and often didn't turn in assignments) and musical. I am probably (in all reality) the smartest and most athletic of my family. I am also fairly musical (Meghan was accepted into the IWU chorale and was going to major in music before she decided to get married and have children instead....) and outgoing. In Matty's eyes (and in her own words) I'm "the perfect older brother who I have to try to live up to. It's just not fair." I also get along much better with my mother and father than she does which reinforces the idea that I'm their favorite in her mind. It's an interesting relationship.

Needless to say, Matty and I aren't on the best of terms. About a year and a half ago, a guy who was dating one of her friends broke up with her. A little later, he said he liked Matty and they started dating. The first girl got mad and started spreading rumors about Matty and then everything just blew up. Matty lost most of her friends. This would be hard on anyone, but Matty isn't as mature as most people her age (a combination of being the youngest child, ADD, and possibly being bipolar) and so she didn't know how to handle it. She made some bad decisions and she's had to pay for them.

She and this boy have been on and off several times. (They're off now and I pray it stays that way). He is not nice to her and their relationship (or whatever they have) is unhealthy. It's hard to see it happening and not be able to do anything. What are you supposed to tell an 18 year old who's "hopelessly in love"? And she's not a logical thinker at all which makes it hard for me to communicate.

I've been feeling convicted about my relationships with my siblings for a while and I've been trying to work through them, but I don't know what to do when I'm so far away. Matty has been accepted to IWU, but can't possibly get the money to come. She's planning on attending a community college near home. I think being away from high school and most of her classmates will be good for her, but I don't think it will be enough. The college environment is better than at home, but it's still not what she needs. Matty needs to be in a safe Christain community. She needs to be surrounded by young women who care about her and invest in her life. She needs someone to loving but clearly tell her she needs to grow up and start facing reality. She needs somewhere she can be a part of; to have friends but also be able to contribute to the group.

In short, IWU would be great for her. It's a real bummer she can't come. I'm not sure how I felt about it (I always have trouble sorting through emotions) but I think I was excited about her possibly coming here. It would give me another chance to be the big brother I'm not. Now that the opportunity is passed, I'm not sure how to proceed. I do plan on continuing to pursue this issue, I'm just not entirely sure how....

Catch Up

So, May Term has come and gone. It was a good time of sleeping, hanging out, playing Frisbee, and going to class (occasionally). I took Fine Arts and it was pretty much a breeze. I ended up with a B in the class because I forgot to turn in my final assignment worth 25% of my grade. I hadn't missed any points up until then. I even had the paper done. I just forgot to submit it.

My dating relationship continued to grow in a healthy manner. Emily and I went down to see her grandmother, mother, and her oldest younger sister in St. Louis, Missouri. It was fun going back there and recognizing places from Spring Break. I met her family and they're great. I had met her sister once before and had been emailing her mother for a few weeks at this point so we knew of each other, but it was good to get to spend a few days in the same house observing them. I learn a lot more about people by watching them interact with others than I do by talking to them. It was fun seeing how Emily's family interacts and how much they all love each other. Emily and her mother are very similar and so the weekend was a great insight into Emily's background and explained a lot about why she acts the way she does.

Emily and her sister, on the other hand, are very opposite. It was interesting seeing them that week. Her sister has/had been dealing with some things and so Emily was unsure how the weekend would go. When we got there, we were pleased to see Leah was doing much better and the days passed without any major incidents. It was a relaxing weekend and I was able to bond with Emily and her family more. I liked it a lot.

Then we drove to my house for my little sister's graduation. That was a treat... We left IWU at 3:30 p.m on Friday. We got to my house at 5 a.m on Saturday (that's with a two hour time change so it felt like 7). We were awakened at 7:30 a.m to the sound of three of my six nieces and nephews running around the house. My dad's two sisters were down along with grandma, and my eldest cousin who has four young kids. My older brother came over later with his kids which made the house all of my immediate family + the inlaws + two of three aunts on my dads side + grandma + Emily and I. It was interesting.

Graduation was at 2 p.m. We stayed for the reception and Emily got to meet four of my closest friends from back home. She tried to get some dirt on me from them but failed miserably. :-) We left the reception at 6 p.m on Saturday, got back to Marion at 4 p.m on Sunday, showered, changed, and got to a wedding by 5:30 p.m. It was a good weekend and a lot of growth took place, but it was exhausting. Emily got to see me with my family and she fit in well, despite the craziness, overwhelming number of relatives, and little amount of sleep. My parents came up and visited last week, but more on the in a later post.

Since then, life's been mostly work. I'm not the most excited about my job, but I don't hate it either. If I picked a job on campus to do for fun, I would definitely work grounds. However, Matthew needs money and Conference Services pays better.... I do get to spend time life guarding which I enjoy a lot, but some days I'm stressed by work. It's not that it's hard work, quite the opposite. It seems our coordinators are always scatterbrained. This is partially because of their personalities, but also just the nature of the job. Whatever the reason, this unpreparedness makes it hard to have a full work schedule prepared at the beginning of the day. This means we spend a lot of time sitting around waiting for a new assignment.

I don't like sitting around. Especially when I'm being paid to do it. When I'm at work, I'm in work mode. I want to be working. Sitting around throws off my "plan" and that makes me stressed and frustrated. I know why things are the way the are, but I wish they could change. It's something I'm still working through.

Emily and I are still dating and that makes me happy. It's been good continuing to grow and experience a relationship with her. I got to meet more of her family last night, an aunt and an uncle. It's great seeing how she interacts with them and how much they care about her. We only got to have dinner together (Applebee's :-)  ) but I really like them. Her uncle is a football coach and played Rugby for a few years. We got along great. He's also got a nice sense of humor which doesn't hurt.

Emily and I are also serving at church. We both go to the River and we decided to help with the children this summer. It's been a lot of fun, I really like the kids, but I feel something is missing. I definitely miss worshiping in the main room and getting to hear a sermon every week. I try to listen to something recorded during the week, but it's just not the same. The material is also strange. I think it is good and the kids definitely have fun, but I don't think it's as deeply rooted in Scripture as they need right now. Maybe it's just me comparing it to my upbringing, but I come out of there every week feeling a little.... un-contented I think would be the word.... with the day. Not quite sure how to address this yet. Still working on it.

Hmm... I think that catches up the summer nicely. There will be more posts, but I'm happy with this for now.

Gobbledygook In My Head

So it's been a very long time since I last posted (63 days if you're really interested). A lot of it has been laziness, but some of it has been inability to focus. I sat down a lot of times these past two months to write a post and all that came out was a jumbled mess. Instead of posting them (I think I was embarrassed or ashamed that my blog posts weren't as witty or well organized as those of my followers...) I deleted them and went to bed. However, I've recently decided blogging is a good activity for me because it causes me to focus on events and reflect on my feelings.

All of this to say, I'm going to try and catch up with the summer in a series of posts. It may be three or four. Maybe more. We'll see. Sorry for the mess of notifications.... :-p