Life has changed a lot lately. Work and school have started. Friends and residents have returned. I have a lot more responsibility now than I did this summer. However, it is something I enjoy and so I draw energy from it. However, change is always draining on a person.
The biggest change is that I am no longer in a relationship. It's been hard to deal with at times: God and I have had a lot of arguments lately, but I can see Him at work. He keeps showing me how much He knows and cares about me. I think I have everything figured out only to have the rug pulled out from under me. Suddenly things that were all but certain are shaky at best. It's not a lot of fun but, then again, growth seldom is.
Being single again has caused me to reflect a lot on the past five months. They were, without a doubt, the best five months of my life. Emily is a terrific woman of God and she taught me a lot about God, being in a healthy, Christian relationship, and life in general. I cannot thank God enough for what I learned from our relationship. However, looking back I can see some things that should not have been.
When I ended my second relationship, I knew God was calling me to be single so I could work on myself. I needed to learn more and grow more before I was ready to be in a relationship. When I was thinking of asking Emily out, I was very unsure of myself. It had been less than six months. Was that enough time to grow? How would I know if I was ready? I spent a lot of time in prayer and I felt God saying, "You're ready. Believe in yourself." His time frame is never the same as ours. Feeling better, I continued my pursuit and began my fantastic relationship with Emily.
And therein lay my folly. I saw the relationship as the end goal. God led me into a relationship, therefore I was done growing. But that's just it, the relationship wasn't meant to be the end, just a marker along the way. It's one thing to study something and another to put the knowledge into practice. I can read about surgeries all day. However, that knowledge will do me little good unless I put it into practice in the operating room. Coming back to dating, "practicing" for dating isn't as helpful as actually working within a relationship.
And that's not to say I stopped growing completely. A lot of things in my life changed during the past five months, good and wonderful things. However, they were just a byproduct of the relationship, not intentionally gained growth. I was just on cruise control, happy with where I was. That's why it was very hard to deal with the break up. "God, I thought you said I was ready. Now you're telling me I'm not? What happened? I know I've grown so how could I have been ready then and now I'm not?". Sometimes I feel like the slowest learner in the world. God must be playing a cosmic game of whack-a-mole with my arguments and excuses, bopping down one after the other in the seemingly endless stream running from my head.
It's only taken me two weeks, but I'm beginning to see where He's leading me. I've definitely come back to a daily dependence on Him: not on my girlfriend, not on my friends, not even on myself, but on the One who's strength is never failing. He builds me up each day and gives me what I need. Not what I want or even think I need, but what He knows I NEED.
And this has been my prayer: "Lord, today, please give me the patience to listen and wait for You, the wisdom to discern what it is You are telling me, and the strength and conviction necessary to carry out Your will for my life.
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