God's Love

So, tax day is Monday and Matthew learned a valuable lesson. He doesn't really understand anything about how taxes work. He owes much more than he can pay. He is in lots of trouble. Frustrated, he ashamedly turns to his parents for help. Expecting to be humiliated by asking for help and to burden his parents, he begrudgingly called his parents... And once again he was surprised by their wisdom and understanding.

God has a way of doing that. I've always appreciated my parents and had good relationships with them, but, as I get older, I continue to be surprised by their love for me. I am still a child, and they are my parents. How much God must love me to have put me in their lives. How frightening that He loves me more than they do.

EnDoFtHeYeAr

So, things are a little crazy now. Plans are being made, friends are panicking, deadlines are approaching, sleep is departing, and relationships are moving. There's so much to do in so little time. I think I need to talk to Dumbledore about getting a time turner...

StRaNgE

Today was a strange day. Good, but strange. School is crazy. Assignments are due left and right. I have a test I'm going to fail tomorrow. But, in the midst of it all, great things have been happening. I shed tears today for the first time in eight years. The last time I cried was because of pain. This time? Emotions. As far as I can recall, this is the first time I have ever cried for that reason. A lot of it is because I am a male, but more of it has to do with being an internal-izer. I don't feel like processing much more right now so I'll leave it at that.

Hurray for good talks with a great friend and an even greater God.  :)

aoidhfliuahsdlifuhalisudghliabsdlijcasdjuhcliuasdfliuha

See above? That's pretty much what my brain is like right now. School and work and life are hard. Need rest and reorienting. That is all.

Summary

It's been a while since I last posted so I thought I would give a brief outline of what has happened. If you have questions, you could just ask.

1. The invention and spread of a new language called Ting Tong.
2. Health and Safety checks resulting in my unit winning the fine totals. :(
3. 3 hour car ride to Nick's house.
4. Good pizza followed by two awful games of Magic.
5. 3 hour car ride to St. Louis.
6. Introduction to new car game called Zip-Zap.
7. Blowing up an air mattress only to discover it doesn't hold air.
8. Food shopping.
9. Hot tubbing.
10. One-on-ones.
11. All of the X-men movies in reverse order (except for number 1).
12. Smore making.
13. Grilling.
14. Being forced to eat couscous.
15. Arch.
16. Ash Wednesday service at an Episcopal church. Wine was served. x-P
17. Hours of walking downtown.
18. Delicious fudge.
19. Awesome Zoo.
       19a. Angry camel.
       19b. Dancing penguins!!!
20. Homeworking.... sort of.
21. The city museum. (A giant play place for adults and kids). There was a conference for Student Council members going on so we shared the place with 1,500 high schoolers. I enjoyed it. Nick did not.
22. Expensive Italian food.
23. Smash Brothers Brawl.
24. Most of X-Men Legends.
25. Scary emails.
26. Lost phone searching.
27. Packing up.
28. 3 hours to Nick's house for wonderful Mac'N'Cheese and rolls.
29. 3 hour drive to campus in which I clenched victory in Zip-Zap and the cow game.
30. Regret over #20.
31. Planning on taking a 30 minute nap which translated into 5 hours and caused me to miss math class on Pi-day.
32. Planning Rugby until 1:30 a.m.


That's pretty much it. Tune in next time for me detailed postings.... maybe... who knows.

On a side note, isn't insomnia great?

Another note: procrastination will be addressed... later.

Spring Break

So this year I am in St. Louis for Spring Break. It's a step down from Texas, New York, and Florida, but I'm okay with that.

Here's our plans for the week:

Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday: Get back to school sometime.

It's great. We have a lot of ideas of what to do such as museums and zoos, but no official plans. This is my kind of vacation. :-)

Enjoying friends, hanging out, and doing some reading. Over half of my suit case is homework (which is sick) but it's good knowing there are no deadlines to meet. This break is going to be awesome.

On another note. I'm doing something scary involving parents. That's all I'll say for now, but prayer would be appreciated. :-) I hope everyone reading this is enjoying relaxing and serving and whatever else happens on Spring Breaks. More updates to come.... most likely.

Wonderful

This weekend has been wonderful. Saturday I got to go down to Fishers and play rugby for the first time in my entire life. It wasn't a real game, just a scrimmage, but it was lots of fun. I got in some really good tackles and a few other good hits while carrying the ball. I got to be competitive and hit people, but still be a good guy at the same time. As I helped members of the other team up after knocking them over, they just stared at me with a strange expression. Apparently you're not supposed to be nice to people in rugby... Oh well. :-)

Saturday night I got to play games with friends for 4.5 hours. (And I was fairly successful I might add.) Afterwards, I got to talk with a dear friend for an hour or so longer.

Today I got to go to church and sing wonderful worship and hear a great sermon. Follow that up with a fun time at lunch and 2 wonderful hours of Frisbee. Probably the best part though, was going to my church's small group. I've wanted to go for awhile but tonight was the first time I had the opportunity. It was good meeting new people, getting off campus, and having homemade food. I think the best part though was getting to be around an infant.

I like kids but don't have much of a chance to interact with them. One of the couples in the small group have a small boy named Brody. Of course, all of the college girls hogged him throughout the entire meeting. However, he and I would sneak glances every once in a while. Once the girls started leaving, I got a chance to play with him. It was tons of fun. I got him to stop whining when his mother couldn't. ;-)

I'm glad for my new church and the involvement I've had so far. However, I'm more excited to continue to become more involved. I'm learning more names which will make it more comfortable. Now I don't have to follow my friends around like a little duckling anymore.

Alas, I am getting old and tired. My muscles hurt from Saturday. I'm not used to all this contact anymore. Unfortunately, no matter how good of a masseuse I am, it doesn't seem to work as well on myself. Oh well, I suppose I'll just let time "heal all wounds." And probably for the first time since high school, I'm off to bed at 10:00.

Mmmmmm sleep. :-)

Happiness

I think happiness can be caused by a lot of things. Lately, I've been very happy and because of lots of things. I haven't done homework since last Thursday. Normally, this would make me grumpy. Now? I feel great. I'm trying to make myself into a morning person. I've been getting tons of sleep and it's been wonderful. I'm a little behind, but I haven't felt this rested since high school, and that makes me happy. I know I'll be okay in my classes and that knowledge makes this feeling all the better.

We're starting a rugby club. We're legit. We have three games scheduled for sure and more coming. I love being physical, I think I was built for it. I haven't had an outlet like this since high school and I feel great. I get to hit people as hard as I can, help them up, share Jesus with them, and do it all over again. What more could I ask for?

I've been having great relationships this semester. There are a few I've been letting slip away, but I'm working on it. I had to place myself above others for a little bit. It was really weird, but it's been worth it. I can finally offer my full energies to my friends. That's a good feeling. Other relationships are deepening and developing; it's scary, but I'm excited and I can't stop smiling about it.

Last night was wonderful. I had a good talk with a great friend and our friendship has benefited already. As we were talking, we were driving around and I got pulled over. It was great. :-) Random memories like that are the best. (I just had a headlight out and all I got was a warning.)

However, I know all of these things are fleeting. Eventually homework will hit me. I could get injured or our games could be canceled. My friends could leave me or I could let them slip away. But above all, I have true happiness in God. I'm working on giving Him control of every part of my life. He's had me for a while, but not completely. I've been better with Him now than I've been in a long time. Do I still have progress to make? You betcha, lots and lots. But I'm trying and He's meeting me.

It's been a great week. :-D

Now, on to sleep so I can wake up and start on that homework I've been delaying.

And now, a message in C++

#include stdfx.h
#include iostream

main
{
     cout>>"Goodnight world.";

    end;
}

Misunderceptions

So, today I was reminded that, while I can read people fairly well, I am reading their emotions and not their thoughts. Tonight I talked with the girl from last night's post and just apologized for what had happened. I explained why I was wrong and why I said what I did. Her response? She started laughing. She had reacted the way she did because she misunderstood what I had said. So, while I had perceived her emotions correctly, I did not know the thoughts that prompted the feelings.

Today has been a good day. Class was okay for the most part, I found out I got the summer job that I wanted (pending I make up some chapel skips....), and I mended a friendship. Now, if I could only beat Aaron Bagley at ping pong again.....

Head.... Hitting.... Wall....

So, I've said I'm bad with girls and tonight re-proved that. I did something very idiotic. As one of my friends says, "You aren't an idiot. You may do stupid things, but that doesn't make you an idiot." Fine, I'm not an idiot, but I was incredibly stupid. My words and sarcasm got me in trouble again. Go figure. I've been sitting in my room hitting my head against the wall for lack of anything else to do. I have tons of homework that needs finishing but I can't focus. Time for sleep. Hopefully this gets better by the morning.

Rest

So, I really like Covenant time with my staff. It's probably my second favorite time(s) of the year (first would be the times when it's just the staff and all the residents are gone). Tonight people were talking about needing to de-stress from life. Gabe said he's started taking a Sabbath and it has rocked his world. This isn't the first time I've heard this from my friends. I'm a strong believer in God speaking through the repetition of different friends.

Here's my problem with a Sabbath though. The entire premise of a Sabbath is you rest, recharge, and de-stress. That I like, but that means you lose a day to do homework. That, in and of itself, is wonderful, but not if you can't plan. If I don't do my homework on the other days, I'm just an idiot. But that's something I already struggle with. If I can't make myself do work in seven days, how will I get it done in six? I really like what Andrew said though, "You just need to take the Sabbath and trust God will give you enough time to finish. It doesn't mean you stop working, but you trust He'll help you get it done."

So I guess this is me saying I"m going to start taking a Sabbath. I don't know how it's going to work, but I'm planning on doing my best.  God is good and I know He'll get me through. Now, back to work before class in the morning: that book isn't going to write a report about itself.

Girls are Terrifying

So, I have several friends who are girls and they all terrify me. It's not that they are physically intimidating, I'm pretty sure I'm bigger than all of them. Even if they are bigger, I have a high pain tolerance and they are all kind so I know they aren't going to hurt me. But I'm still scared of them.

I'd say that I'm pretty good at reading people. This has been really useful as an R.A and in tense situations. However, this doesn't help at all with girls. I can read that girls are (often) illogical and emotion driven. That's what scares me: I know what the "problem" is, but I can't address it. I like to figure things out logically and take my time for things, but, no matter how hard I try, this never works with girls. I take time and realize I'm no better off. I don't do emotions. I try, but I just don't get them.

I hate asking girls things such as, "Hey, would you like to go out?" or "Hey, would you like to go to a banquet?" or even "Hey, could we talk sometime?" I like to role play in my head to figure out what the other person is thinking and how they will react, but this is just a blank spot with girls and it's terrifying. Sometimes I wish I was a girl so I didn't have to worry about things like this. But only sometimes. (Just so we're clear, I'm very glad I'm a guy.) I think it would just be easier if they were just mammoths.

Admiration

So, I really like C.S Lewis. I've been fortunate enough to have to read a lot of his works for the Honors College. The last work I read was "Four Loves." There's a great quote in it that I really enjoy.

"In a perfect Friendship this Appreciative love is, I think, often so great and so firmly based that each member of the circle feels, in his secret heart, humbled before all the rest. Sometimes he wonders what he is doing here among his betters."

I have a friend. She is great at lots of things. One of them is time management. Often in a conversation, she will voice her concerns that she won't have enough time or that she'll need some alone time to recharge. I admire her for that. When have I ever done that? When have I ever told someone I couldn't hang out because I had homework to do? When have I ever declined an invitation because I needed more time with God?

I have amazing friends. I look up to them for many reasons. I believe that's a lot of the reasons God gives us the friends He does. So, friends, thank you for who you are. You build me up and give me hope. I only wish I could be one tenth of the people you are.

Tact? Where did you come from?

I generally always voice my thoughts, you just wouldn't know it. I love using sarcasm both because it adds humor and hides intentions. Whenever I want to say something without saying it, I use sarcasm. I guess you could say I lack tact. However, I seemed to have found some today.

I was talking with a girl today about something and she essentially yelled at me. (Don't you just love it when someone is talking to you quietly and calmly but you know they're furious and that's why they are treating you like a child?) The arguments she presented were illogical (I am a guy and I am a Math major; logic is kind of my thing.) Her accusations were false. She seemed to forgot details inherently important to the situation. She blew the problem out of proportion and made things worse even as she said she was trying her best to make things better. And what did I do? I just smiled and nodded.

I'm not good with girls, I'll be the first to tell you that, but I have picked up a thing or two in the past 22 years. When girls argue, smiling and nodding is always the best approach. Women are always right (regardless of whether or not they actually are). Arguing is normally useless unless you're just looking for a good time. This girl is not an arguer, there was no fun to be had by putting up a fight. She was also sick today and emotionally drained. I hate emotions and even more so, trying to deal with them (I know, I know, not healthy). The right thing for me to do was be passive, even when I had done nothing wrong (In this particular instance. That's generally a rarity though). I used tact and I feel better for it. I just wish I could have made her feel better somehow.

I want to delete this post, but I shouldn't.

Tonight a friend asked me if I wanted to answer three questions that would tell me about myself. Having time to waste and with curiosity peaked, I agreed. I won't explain the process here just in case I ever see you in public and get to ask you these question. However, the end result told me that I think of myself as childish. Hold that thought.

Do you ever feel that no matter how hard you try, you can't do anything right? No matter how much you think or plan, things still don't go your way. Now, most people who know me well (or possibly even just a little bit) know that I'm not a planner. I'm a type B all the way. However, I still understand some things are important enough to plan. Once again, hold that thought. Last semester God really rocked me to the core. He caused me to think about the way I did things and whether or not they were for the best. Of course they weren't.


College is a time to develop and mature. IWU provides a fairly safe atmosphere for this growth. Bowman House was where my personal growth really began and it has been continuing ever since. However, I'm not where I know I need to be. Bring back the thought. I am still developmentally a child (okay, maybe not physically, but you get the point.) I can't make myself go to bed on time, I can't make myself get up and go to class, I can't make myself do my homework. Not only that, I can't properly take care of myself, I have no time management skills, and I don't let anyone get close. 


Thought 2. So as God made me realize all of these things in the above paragraph, I decided to plan. I bought a planner and I continue to write all of my engagements in it. I drafted a schedule of every day of the week and scheduled every detail, even down to how long I'll brush my teeth. I do my best to follow this schedule and plan, and yet, this hasn't helped. I want to get better, but I'm still stuck where I was. (Romans 7:15) I'm in a pit of self-destruction and I can't get out. And this is where my problem really arises.


Today in church Pastor Matt talked about community. In order for us to be effective in our own lives and the lives of others, we must engage in community. He gave some examples of how easy it is for him to ask for help. I applaud him and envy him at the same time. I never ask for help. I enjoy serving and helping others but hate it when the sentiment is returned. I do everything in my power to fix something myself. When it all falls apart, that's the time I ask for help. I need help to fix my problems: help from God and help from others. But now I have another problem.

I'm 22, I'm a grown man. How can I ask for help for these issues? I understand God can achieve anything, I've never questioned that. I seek His help (not as often as I should but, again, I'm working on it) and I have seen some change in my life. But how am I supposed to get help from community? Should my friends ask me if I went to bed on time or if I brushed my teeth correctly? Am I supposed to ask them to physically wake me up and walk me to class? This sounds like a job for a mother, and my mom is at home. There's no one here to do these things but me, and I don't like it. 


I can ask for accountability, but I've found all to often that it falls through. Either my "partner" no longer shows interest or I just lie to them. I'm a good liar. I shared some personal things with some friends last semester and asked for accountability. What's happened since? I continue to fail and none of them have brought the issue up even once. I hate being vulnerable. The last time I put myself out there, it resulted in pain. How can I do that again? I know everyone's busy and that's why I hate bothering them, so I can understand why they haven't gotten back. It's just so.... disappointing.


I don't have the answers, but I'm trying. I don't always give my best, but I'm getting there. I don't know how to go about things so I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue on with life. As with lightening, I'll just take the easiest path. I want to delete this post, but I shouldn't.

First

Well, I suppose it was about time to do this. No deep content in this one, but it's a start. Guess I just got tired of Kayla calling me a creeper. See, this is me contributing. Creeper no creeping.