New Beginnings

I suppose Spring (though it definitely hasn't felt like it until just recently) always elicits feelings of freshness and change in people. I miss people. I really do. But that is a sentiment for a different time.

I have decided to start new things. I'm closer to thirty than I am to twenty now and it is high time I began acting like it. Today, I signed up for a gym in order to get back into shape where I used to be over a hundred pounds and six years ago. Tomorrow, I'm deep cleaning my apartment and getting past my fear of graduating by reapplying to IWU and registering for classes.

A large part of my challenge will be this blog. I would like to blog every day for at least the next year (internet connection providing). They may be nothing more than my thoughts on the day. They may be my thoughts on life issues. All I know is blogging forces me to be introspective and truly honest with myself: honesty is something I need a lot more of in my life.

So, thank you to anyone who still follows. I appreciate you. I only had 4 posts last year but I had around 60 page views. I even got viewed from Indonesia and Portugal. Who knows why you check up on me, but thank you for caring. I'm looking forward to this next year, even if it is just me talking to myself. :-)

One Last Thing

I finally figured out how to get my Personality Profile off of eHarmony. If you'd like to learn a little more about me, follow this link and click download (I promise there's nothing bad in there). xD Start the slideshow and it should be sized correctly to read. If for whatever reason it won't open, let me know and I'll get it converted to a format that'll work. :-)

And with that, I'm off to bed. Good night friends.

My Promise

For some odd reason today, I decided to review my blog a little. It's crazy reading all of the thoughts I've had over the past three years. It was a little sad to see how down most of my recent posts have been. And (as I say all the time) it's sad to see how much my blogging has dropped off in recent years. I know not many people still read this, but that doesn't mean I should stop writing. I know it's good for me and, when it gets down to it, I do enjoy getting my thoughts and feelings out there.

So, this is my promise: I'm going to keep blogging. More than that, I'm going to try to stay as positive as possible. Not that I don't need nights of venting, but I know that's not the most enjoyable content to read. Thank you to anyone who's stuck with me this long. You are all important to me. Here's to another three years of good times and honest sharing.

My Online Dating Experience

So a year ago, I signed up for eHarmony out of a mix of frustration, curiosity, and a lost bet. I was very hesitant because I had not heard of a lot of people actually using it and it did cost a fair chunk of change (especially since I was still at Jimmy Johns at that point). Over the course of the past year, I never found true love, but I did learn quite a bit about myself and relationships in general.

One of the most frustrating things about online dating is the necessity to provide accurate and descriptive information about one's beliefs in the (very minimal) amount of characters proscribed. If you know me at all, you'll know that I greatly enjoy details and explanations so it's very hard for me to write these kinds of descriptions (I also hate writing about myself in any way that can be considered boasting, but that's another point entirely). Over the year of communicating with matches and profile editing, I got a good chance to sit and think about my opinion on a number of widespread subjects such as religion, family, gender roles, activities, work, hobbies, etc....

I could spend hours writing about everything I learned, but that's not exactly why I wanted to write tonight. Tonight, I want to share the two most important things that happened this year. The first is the affirmation I got from those close to me. I maybe told 6 people all year about it, but their support was beyond positive into the realm of bizarre: I never expected them to be so okay with it. The last people I told was my parents and they weren't surprised at all. My mom went so far as to compare it to their relationship. They met once in August, wrote letters and called back and forth, and were married in December. eHarmony (and other dating sites) are just virtualizations of their story. The second thing I wanted to share is actually the reason I became committed in the first place.

As my year was about up (and I don't think I'll renew the subscription) I wanted to read the personality profile one last time. This profile is pretty much a personality test on steroids, focused on how you behave in different types of relationships. As I read through the profile, I was shocked about how accurate the descriptions were. In fact, the first person I confided in was a good friend who I thought knew my personality well and I just wanted some feedback. Anyway, long story short, I was reading through the book and the very first page stuck out to me again. It's something I've thought about a lot but still need to get better at. So, I think I'll leave you with the passage: a little insight into my (very confused) relational personality.

(Emphasis added)

“No one notices, no one knows except you and the person in front of you, and that’s just fine with you. You don’t get called to the front of the class or singled out at award ceremonies as ‘the person who really cares’. You just do it, quietly and consistently, without drawing attention to yourself. More than most people, you know how to listen carefully and speak honestly to whatever another person needs from you. 

You’ve probably discovered what not everyone else learns: when you focus on the other person, at some point the other person will reciprocate and you’ll get your turn to be the center of attention. You need a bit of that, as most people do. But that’s not why you are such a good listener or such an attentive friend. You pay close attention to the person in front of you because that’s who you are: someone who genuinely cares.

Another thing: you are not a faultfinder. You don’t listen carefully in order to find the flaws in a person’s character or behavior. You don’t get into that relational seesaw game of putting them down in order to prop up your own sense of worth. When you care for someone the offer is genuine; it’s about them, not about you.

You do have your own needs in even these most intimate relationships, with your few closest friends and your partner. At times you want them to stop talking and start listening, to let the conversation move from your laser-like focus on them to at least a heart-felt if not so laser-like focus on you.

Before you run out of energy in caring for others, you need to restore your own sense of wellbeing in the relationship. Not most of the time, but at least a bit of the time. The hard part for you is asking for this. You are much more comfortable as the giver than as the receiver, much more likely to ask, ‘What’s up with you?’ than to say, ‘Hey, I need to tell you what’s going on with me.’

Maybe some friends have disappointed you in the past, and were not nearly as interested in you as in them. But you don’t need to assume that’s true of the friend now standing in front of you. Perhaps if you gave them the chance they could reciprocate, if not with the same attention you give them then at least with enough attention to give you a chance to be heard. Maybe. And maybe it’s worth a try.

But to be clear again: you’re not looking for the spotlight, and you’re not in these relationships to see how much you can get for yourself out of this other person. Your affection and attention are not tools of deception to suck affirmation from your friends. This is who you are: a person who listens well and cares deeply; your affection and attention are the real thing.”

This is my confession.

So it's been a longgggg time since my last blog. Sadly, not much has changed. It's not that I didn't have things I wanted to talk about, it's just that I'm at the point where there's so much going on it seems hopeless to begin in the first place. Seeing as I've been trying (quite unsuccessfully) to sleep for the past hour or so, I guess now's as good a time as any.

I am not well. In the past two months, only two people (discounting parents {with whom I've been very blessed}) have asked me how I've been and actually meant it. Of those, only one has actually had/taken the time to sit and talk to me about it. And the hard part is, most of the people I'm closest too have good reasons not to be as involved. Shawna's pregnant and commutes 3 hours every day. Matty is headed to Afghanistan. Kyle is in student teaching. Willis has a senior seminar project. Jonathan and I have to maintain a professional (manager-employee) relationship. Kyle, Chris, Jake, Luke, Jared, and Ben are all busy with work, most of them far from Marion and a good few of them married. It's been nearly a year since I've gotten to really talk with Kate. Bethany has a stressful job and a wedding to plan. On top of all that, I could probably win an award for world's worst communicator.

Work can be a stretch some times. I like my coworkers and I have a good time while I'm there. I do enjoy my job and helping people (even the mean and smelly ones) and AT&T takes very good care of me. However, there's no real growth or fellowship there. We joke around all day (almost always at my expense) and then everyone goes their separate ways. All but three of us are married. Greg (whose idea of a good time is picking up a random chick and getting wasted), Tyler (who comes over often to play games or watch a movie, neither of which are deeply meaningful), and myself. Most of the others are content talking about work and then going home to their families. My saving grace is Kim. She's an older woman who treats me like a grandchild and it's great. During breaks we'll sit and actually talk about life and how one another is doing (as much as work permits, which sadly isn't much). However, we only get to work 2 days a week together at most.

Being part time, I do get three days off, but these are probably the worst for me of the entire week. During these three days, I may or may not talk to another human being. If I'm lucky, I remember to eat more than once. Most of my time is spent numbing myself with video games or thinking about all of my faults and mistakes. And of course, a mixture of pride and shame keeps me from actually telling anyone about it. I'm very good at hinting about it, but either no one picks it up or no one cares. I'm quite sure it's the first (I can be very subtle when I want), but that doesn't mean my mind won't automatically assume the latter.

I need others. I know I'm designed that way, yet it's so hard for me to actually reach out. Years of being turned down or left behind have trained me to stop trying. Being muted or ignored one to many times has taken it's toll. In the past year, I've probably talked more about feelings with an ex than anyone else. That's definitely not healthy (especially considering she's married).

So this is my confession: I'm tired, I'm lonely, and, as always, I am my own biggest critic. I need people, but I never ask for help.

If you've made it this far and you were mentioned above, know I have no ill will towards you, nor is this meant to guilt you into talking to me. I have been frustrated (mostly with myself) and needed to get it out there. Hopefully now I'll be able to sleep and move forward tomorrow.

Good night world.

Late Night Thoughts with MaAuLu

This blog is twofold. First of all, I’m a terrible communicator. It usually comes on the tail end of being sick/not feeling well, but always carries over for a long time. A few weeks ago I got sick after eating some slightly undercooked chicken (thanks broken oven). It didn’t last very long, but I was supposed to be helping a friend out on those days. It likely wouldn’t have been a huge deal (she’s pretty forgiving), but, like always, I didn’t really communicate what was happening and kind of just left her out to dry. This inevitably leads into a cycle of shame/avoidance that can lead to not talking with friends for a while. This of course leads to feelings of loneliness which just continue spiraling in a downward pit. Needless to say, it’s not been a very fun past couple of weeks. In any event, sorry for not staying in contact. To Bethany especially, I’m sorry I couldn’t help with your students after I had promised to be there. :-(

Part Deux:

I’m not really a fan of venting, but sometimes you just gotta.

I hate double standards. I hate them. They’re stupid, unfair, and unjustifiable. Whether they be societal, ethical, or relational, not much makes me more upset than double standards.

It’s not right to tell a girl to be careful what she wears so as not to attract unwanted attention and NOT teach a boy to respect women no matter what. If I would ever be “ judgmental” or “stereotypical” to a druggie, homosexual, alcoholic, Muslim, or black, etc… person, I would be labeled as a terrible person and possibly even levied with a hate crime and yet, it IS completely acceptable to judge me for being a Christian. That’s messed up. There’s something wrong in society today where more people don’t see how unfair these behaviors are. More than that, these attitudes are often further perpetuated in the news and media and the people who should be the ones to steer America back to where it needs to be (let’s be honest, this should be everyone but we know it’s not) are exactly the people who are more often than not on the receiving end of this treatment.

While these double standards may be the most outrageous/infuriating, I think the relational ones are often the hardest to deal with. A prime example would be the family that I kinda sorta live with (they’re in the house attached to my apartment). The house is comprised of a husband and wife, their two (soon to be three!!!!) children, his mother, and his sister. I’ve known these people for over three years and they are quite honestly some of my favorite in the whole world. There’s not much I wouldn’t do for them. If I were lying in a hospital bed dying and they sent me a call or text saying they needed help with something, you better believe I’m finding the closest wheel chair and rolling out the door. We’ve had a lot of good and fun times together, but, rather unfortunately, we are human and we’re all doomed to disappoint each other every now and again.

With the exception of Matty (the sister) all of us in the house are pretty laid back when it comes to social activities. If they want to hang out at a certain time, it most likely isn’t going to happen until 45 minutes to an hour after the originally designated time. I’m 100% okay with that. I’m happy to spend any amount of time with them. Matty is not of this opinion. Be it her natural tilt or the military training, she might possibly be the most punctual person I have ever met and she expects everyone else to do likewise. Needless to say, this can sometimes cause problems. However, (again with the imperfect world thing), there have been times where she’s been late or had to reschedule plans we’ve had. And you know what? never once did I ever get upset, passive aggressive, or even unpleasant about it. As I’ve said, it really doesn’t bother me. You would think this would earn me some brownie points/understanding in return, right? Nope. If I’m late to something, we don’t speak for (at least) a few days. The most recent offense, I had to reschedule something a little later (because a third party who was also attending needed the time moved). We haven’t really spoken since. That was two months ago. In that time, she’s sent me two texts, both asking if she and her uncle could borrow my bike to go on a ride.

The second major/most recent offense has to do with disturbing the peace. The walls/floors in this house are awful (in more than one sense). Last week, a little excess water from their kitchen sink seeped through the floor, collapsed a ceiling tile in my bedroom, and proceeded to cascade nasty water/tile infused filth on my bed, blankets, pillows, and all. Probably the worst part of it is how thin they are. When they’re sitting around the dinner table having a normal conversation, I can hear them in my living room as if they were sitting next to me. It’s bad. They also have two small children who, as young people are wont to do, love running around. This of course reverberates throughout my entire apartment. When Aaron was living with me, he constantly complained about it. It’s a fair complaint, especially when the kids get up early on the weekends and all you want to do is sleep in.  I also get hot very easily and all the thermostat control is in their part of the building. We “share” internet but the router is on their side. If they decide to move it (which happens quite a bit when he has friends over) whatever I’m doing just gets dropped without so much as a warning. If there’s a signal problem, they try to move obstructions out of the way, but there’s not a whole lot they can do. If they blow a fuse (which happens a lot in this rickety place), all of my power is cut off unless they remember they have to flip my switch as well. All in all, there’s a lot going on I could be understandably irked about. However, it’s been a year and a half and I’ve not said one word about any of it. There are downsides, but they’re not really things to blow your cool over. All in all, I’m lucky to have the housemates I do.

Last night, a friend and I had dinner at Applebees. The wait was fairly long and the food was also pretty slow so we didn’t make it back until 11:45. We walked into the apartment in the midst of conversation and within 15 seconds there were two knocks on the wall. It sounded like someone may have accidentally opened a door too fast or something so, after a brief pause to see if anything was going to follow, we resumed conversation. Ten seconds later, there was yelling through the wall. Catching the hint that we might be a little loud, we bunkered down to play a game and talked in quieter tones. At 2:20, about 12 minutes from the end of our last game (aka bed time); there was an agitated knock at the door. Reluctant because I knew what was about to transpire, I got up to answer the door. Low and behold, Ima (mother in Hebrew) was there too chew us out about how loud we were. And by chew out, I mean the whole kit and caboodle. She’s one of the sweetest old ladies I’ve ever known but I heard an explicative or two (and not minor ones). After apologizing as best we could, we went to sleep, but I just laid there thinking about what had just transpired.

Yes, we were probably a little too noisy (we had toned it down but it’s easy to be carried away during a game). Yes, it was late. Yes, most normal people sleep at 2 a.m. On the flipside, this is the only time we’ve had this problem. If I wanted to compile a list of “offenses” to privacy/convenience/the rental agreement, mine would definitely top theirs by quite a bit. Maybe I’m wrong for thinking forgiveness/understanding extended by one party should be (at least partially) reciprocated by another, but, in any event, a first offense should not have elicited such a harsh reaction. She came back and apologized today and I assured her it was fine (again, we shouldn’t have been so loud and no, I honestly was not offended), but I can’t help but view Ima in a slightly different way now. It’s going to take some more processing and evaluating, but it’s been bugging me all day and I couldn’t really sleep until I typed it out.

Hopefully I’ll be able to stay in better contact now. And hopefully I’ll blog more. xD 

Moving on Up

First of all, to whomever checks my blog regularly (because I can see the visits on my blog tracker) thank you for your patience. Sorry that it takes so long to post and that they aren't always great. :-) Anyway, on to the real topic.

Insomnia is something I've dealt with on and off for years. A lot of times I spend it just staring at the ceiling, but others I decide to get up and be productive. So far tonight I've done all the dishes, consolidated the pantry, and begun unpacking the boxes in my apartment (yes, I've been here for over a year and haven't unpacked everything yet. . .). As I was unpacking a random box stuck in the back of my closet, I came across a manila envelope addressed by one Emily Nichols.

It took me by surprise because I had no idea what it was. Upon opening it, I found all of the messages and notes Emily had sent me along with a few photos of us together. Suddenly, it all came rushing back. Two years ago when we broke up, I placed it in the box because I was unsure if we would get back together or not. After it became clear we would not, I decided to keep it until I was "emotionally stable" enough to handle throwing it out: it was going to be symbolic of me moving on. I guess I had forgotten about it until now.

After the initial shock, I began rereading the messages and I couldn't help but smile. Smile at the memories that returned, the inside jokes that were shared, and the silly drawings included. And suddenly I realized, I didn't have that pit in my stomach that has heretofore accompanied thoughts of Emily. I could look at the pictures and read the notes without feeling terrible. And as I realized this, I began to appreciate the notes even more. Emily was always very encouraging: that was one of the things I most liked about her. I smiled all the while because I realized (through no insight of my own) that even though we weren't together anymore, the things she said were true.

So I guess the envelope has served its purpose. Not only did it mark my moving on, it also brought a smile to my face and lifted me up in a time where I needed some encouragement. As much pain as I went through and as lost as I felt, I will forever be grateful for all the change Emily brought to my life. Just goes to show that God likes taking the broken pieces of our lives and making something beautiful out of them. And with that, I bid you adieu; the bathroom's not going to clean itself.

Mini Update

It's been way too long, but, like my friend Anne, I'm just going to pretend that didn't happen.

These past few weeks have been a little rough. Aside from dealing with my living situation, I've gotten my car stuck in a pot hole, broken my phone while getting car out of said pot hole, and been disciplined twice at work. Work is probably the most frustrating. I really like AT&T and the people that work there. I really enjoy helping people when they come into the store. All of the policies in the company are changing and it's hard for me to wrap my mind around it. Adjusting is just really hard. We recently got a new area manager and he is definitely a shark. In our first meeting with him, he said (only slightly paraphrased), "I don't care about people's budget problems. It's your job to sell them anything and everything in the store they don't already have. Let them worry about their finances." Too an extent I agree, it is our job to sell. However, I know what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck. I refuse to push something on someone they don't need and can't afford just to keep my job. I'll take integrity over employment every day of the week.

That aside, I came home from work and, having nothing to do like always, browsed on the interwebs for a while. I clicked one of those funny pictures on Facebook and just cycled through the site for about the next two hours before I finally decided to quit wasting my life. I'll leave you with some of my favorite findings.

I didn't want to  waste time downloading and embedding videos so these are just the links if you feel like you wanna experience them.

Pretty cool dancing: http://www.photoblip.com/pictures/99373/dubstep-robot-guy-takes-you-higher.html

Awesome street orchestra: http://www.photoblip.com/pictures/96415/best-coin-ever-spent.html

Great Chat Roulette idea: http://www.photoblip.com/pictures/119601/speed-dating-done-right.html 

It's a bit late. . .

In more than one sense of the word. I'd really love to get to bed, but I have a pressure behind my left eye keeping me up. I have to be to work in about 3 hours and I can't get to sleep. Tomorrow/today is gonna be long. It's also a bit late because I'd like to talk about dads.

Two weeks ago I was fortunate to have my parents come visit me. It doesn't happen a lot so I really try and cherish the time I have with them. While they were here, dad and I had the chance to go golfing on two occasions. I'm a grown 24 year old man. I have my own apartment, work my own job, cook my own food, and pay my own bills. Even so, there's not many better feelings than sitting in a golf cart with my dad's arm around me. It makes life better to know there's someone there for me, someone who cares about me, knows me, and would do anything for me.

It's not been the greatest past few weeks so having him here made things a bit better. He was able to come to work and meet some of my coworkers. He helped clean and fix my car. This morning, I walked outside to find a small box at my door. Inside was some trail mix, a universal tool, and a recipe box. Tucked inside the box was a message from my dad. He talked about the visit and about the family reunion that's coming up, but he also encouraged me. In his short, deliberate message, he said he was proud of me and he believes I'm a good man. I couldn't help but smile because I know it's all his fault.

I am my father's son and happily so. Sure, not everything I've gotten from him is the best, but he's still my dad and my hero. I have an inferiority complex and weight issues. I will likely get some form of cancer in my lifetime. I will probably contract diabetes. I already have arthritis in my knees. These are the genetics I have inherited from my dad, but the things he has taught me far outweigh the negatives. I work hard because I've seen my dad at work. I'm kind because I've seen the way my dad treats others. I am patient, because he had to be to raise us kids. I am smart because I wanted to make him proud. I play sports because that was some of the best time I ever had with him. I sing because he taught me how every Sunday for the first 19 years of my life. I love God because my father introduced me to him at a young age. I am able to function on my own because my dad took the time to teach me what was really important in life. I know how to treat others because I've seen how my dad loves his wife.

John Eldredge has written many books about the importance of a having a great father. We need to be loved and validated by a man in our life. Every time I read his books I am thankful for the man I am able to call dad. However, I am also intrigued by Eldredge's belief (and one I share as well) that this man need not be related to us. Any man can be a father, regardless of whether or not he has kids. God has instilled in man something of Himself that women just cannot offer a child (and vice versa). As I think about my life and the future as I see it, I want to be the kind of man that is a father to many.

Some of my favorite fictional characters are these father figures. Two at the top of the list are Jonathan Kent and Uncle Ben. Neither of these men have kids of their own and yet, through one event or another, they are thrust into the roll of fatherhood. They don't always get it right, they make plenty of mistakes, but their success can be seen in the action of their sons. Superman and Spiderman do many amazing things, but it all starts with the wisdom and guidance their "fathers" provided them.

Another great father figure is Will Schuester from the t.v. show Glee. I really like Glee. I think the music is well done and the messages (albeit cheesy and over the top at times) are good ones to learn. One of my all-time favorite episodes is the finale of season 1. The Glee club has lost the regional competition and is being forced to disband. The students call Will into the auditorium so they can pay their respects. Each of them goes around and shares why they are thankful to have been in Glee club. Sure, some of the reasons are silly ("I had never kissed a girl" "I was just a dumb football player"), but they all show the positive impact a male role model can play on children's lives. It's messages and examples like this that sometimes make me think I should be a teacher.

I really like kids and, call me naive, but I'd love to be the kind of teacher who got to invest in kids like that. Probably my favorite teacher in high school was one of the toughest I ever had. His classes were hard, the only place I had ever needed to apply myself. I saw him yell at students, I saw him get upset over late assignments, and I saw him refuse to accept less than our best. But I also saw him get to school at 5:30 every morning just in case any students needed to talk or have questions answered. I saw him leave the school late every night because he was busy grading and giving truly constructive feedback. I saw him (albeit sarcastically and sometimes over the head of most students) praising truly great work and encouraging the entire class to be better. I saw him in wrestling practice helping those teammates who were falling behind the grueling pace of our ex-marine head coach. I saw him encouraging participants when all our coach would do is yell and curse. Sure, he taught me calculus and trigonometry, but he also taught me how to survive in the world after high school, he reminded me to never settle for less than my best, and he showed me how to make sacrifices for those who really needed help.

As the prospect of getting married and having kids of my own drifts further and further away, I am encouraged by all of the father figures in my life. My biological father is a great man and I can think of no better father in the world. Mr. Bruce invested in me and first showed me how to care for children that weren't my own. Men like Jared and Brandon constantly earn my respect as they continue to raise their adopted sons. Over and over again I am encouraged in the fact that my chance to be a father is never truly gone. I'm not saying I have a lot to offer or that I'm worthy of being put in that role, but this is a strong desire of my heart and I am convinced God has put it there for a reason. In this time of loneliness and uncertainty, I'm given a brief glimmer of hope and a small sense of direction. A single grain of rice can tip the scale.  Even the tiniest hint of wind can start a whirlwind of change.

It is small, but it is something.

Happy 100 to me.

So this is my 100th post. I've been trying (ever since my last post) to think of a topic I could share that I've learned a lot about since I started blogging. I wanted to be really deep and insightful. But, as the blog title would suggest, that pondering led me down many long and winding pathways and I would invariably get to wrapped up in them to blog about it. I still want to blog about that stuff, but it'll have to wait until I have time to further unravel and interpret my thoughts.

I do however, before I start tonight's blog, want to thank those of you who have been with me since the start. You all mean a lot to me and your insight, advice, and encouragement have been invaluable to me these past few years. I know I can get wordy at times and sometimes very confusing, so thanks for sticking with me. Alright, here goes the blog. . .

It's been a kind of rough month for me. Most of my friends have either moved off for good or just gone home for the summer. My roommate decided he should move out and get ready for marriage or something silly like that. On top of that, work hasn't been the greatest. I love AT&T and really enjoy the people that I work with, but it can be a downer at times. This month I've had terrible sales numbers due to a combination of terrible shifts, terrible traffic during said shifts, and just terrible customers. I've dealt with more rude, frustrating, and difficult people this month than probably the past 10 years put together. However, I'm an Achiever and so it really hurts me when I don't perform well. I take my low numbers as a personal failure on my part. Every Friday when I have to go over my figures with my manager I just get more and more down at how bad it is and all of my chances are slipping away as June approaches.

I'm also still new to the job and I'll be the first one to admit I'm weird. I have a lot of strange habits and quirks and I'm okay with that. It just makes me an easy target for people at work. I know they're just playing around and they don't really mean anything by it, but it really wears after a while and on Friday they just hit on some sensitive areas. When I was younger, I was always teased about the way I looked. I was a short, fat kid with no fashion sense. I didn't grow taller and lean up until my freshmen year of high school but by then it was too late, the damage had already been done. Ever since then, I've been very self conscious about the way I look. On Friday, I cut my hair pretty short and everyone was saying how goofy I looked and how they were pretty sure I was joining a gang. That on top of having to go over my low figures with my manager just made for an awful Friday. I left quite down and came home to an empty house where I had nothing to do but think back on it all. Of course a crying session ensued.

If you've been reading this blog for awhile (or you've been around me for longer than ten minutes) you'll know two of my favorite things are movies and music. All the better if they can be combined in to one. For the past month or so, Bethany had graciously loaned me Pitch Perfect. This film is easily one of my favorites of all time. The music and characters are so well done I just can't help but cheer up when I watch it. It may come as no surprise then that I watched it an increasing number of times up to last Friday. Truth be told, before I returned it tonight, I'd watched it 9 times this past week.

I've seen that movie nearly 100 times I'm sure and yet something new happened on Friday. As I was watching the movie in my highly emotional state (I really don't cry that often, contrary to my last few blog posts), I became so connected with the characters I cried for them. This happened on three separate occasions. (If you've not seen the movie A) Shame on you. and B) Spoiler Alert!!!!)

1. Beca throughout the entire movie grows more and more attached to the Bellas. Her ideas for song choices and arrangements, though out of sync with what the Bellas had done in the past, are truly for the betterment of the group, not because she wants to have her own way. This is contrary to Aubrey who shuts her down at every turn. During the semi-finals, Beca decides to improve by mixing up a song during Aubrey's solo. It sounds awesome, the crowd and judges love it, but Aubrey gets upset nonetheless. A shouting match ensues and Beca storms out. I cried here because Beca was just trying to look out for everyone else but no one had the decency to do the same for her when Aubrey challenged them.

2. During the finals, Beca is finally allowed to throw in her own set mix. In it she includes the song from the end of The Breakfast Club. It's a quite subtle reference directed solely at Jesse as an apology from Beca. I just was so connected to this scene because Beca picked such a specific and meaningful way of apologizing and did it in a public place without applying any pressure. When she went to Jesse's room to apologize, he shot her down and she let it go. I think a lot of times people (at least I) either have a tendency to write the relationship off or keep pushing until they drive the other person away. By singing, Beca shows that she still cares enough about the relationship to try, but does it in a way that does drive Jesse off.

3. Benji, Benji, Benji. Benji is quite plausibly my favorite character in the entire film. He's goofy, but he's very honest and considerate about it. In the room, Benji explains he's a Star Wars geek as well as a magician. He's honest about it, proud of it, but also thoughtful. He asks Jesse if he'd like for everything to be taken down. He refrains from doing magic tricks when asked. During auditions, Benji has one of the best performances. At the end, he shares that singing live is exciting to him which turns Bumper (who's a huge jerk anyway) off. When Beca storms off at the semi-finals, Benji is the only one who goes after her. All of these qualities endear him to me but the tears didn't come until he finally got his moment. With Bumper off to L.A, the Trebles needed a replacement. They not only let Benji in, but they gave him a solo. Benji walked on stage visibly nervous. With a look to Jesse, he begins a very meek and mild song. As the audience gets into it and Benji starts feeling it, he becomes more animated forceful with his singing. The moment the women in the crowd cheer and you see the confidence enter Benji's face is one of my favorite in the entire film. This is the real Benji in all his glory. He's still a little goofy, he gets to sing a song about magic, but he is completely in his element on the stage in front of hundreds of people.

I could probably write an entire book on the characters, songs, and story in Pitch Perfect, but I better stop for tonight. I'm just glad Bethany let me borrow it for so long. Silly as it may seem, that movie has helped me through a lot. If see me tapping a cup and singing to myself, there's a good chance I just want to cheered up.

"Better" Times

(This conversation/thought process came from various messages/comments on Facebook. I'm too tired to give a full context. If you'd like one, feel free to ask some other time. :-) )

Matt: loves Firefly. "When you can't run you crawl. When you can't crawl, well, then you find someone to carry you."

Kyle: I've been watching firefly too! It's so good.

Matt: I've seen Serenity twice so far this year and this is my third run through of the episodes I think. They remind me of better times. Jake. Benjamin. Luke. Jared.

Jared: awwwwww....

Jared: your recent comment:

"better" times?
what are times like now?
how have you been lately?

Matt: I can't really complain about life at the moment. I switched jobs from Jimmy Johns to AT&T: I work nearly half the hours at almost twice the pay and it's a much better work/life environment. I finished paying off my school bill and all other expenses except for a little money I owe my parents which feels pretty good.

On the down side, I seem to be terrible at keeping/forming relationships as an adult. The people I would call my closest friends have all grown up, (most have) gotten married, and moved away which makes it hard to stay in touch. Everyone at work is really nice but they're all married and don't seem interested in spending time with one another outside of work, Jonathan excluded. That being said, he and Shawna have pretty busy schedules with work and the kids so we don't get to hang out that often either.

The one close relationship I did have ended about three months ago when she got a boyfriend and didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable (which I understand) by hanging out a lot. I was living with Aaron but he spent most of his time with Becca so I was always the awkward third wheel. He moved out yesterday (to get ready to get married or some such nonsense. . .) I had some residents from last year who I could hang out with but they all had classes and other obligations that restricted times we could hang out. Now they're all home or graduated so the point is moot anyways.

When I was hanging out with people, it was seldom meaningful. Usually it consisted of playing a computer game or watching videos together while talking about events coming up but avoiding any real conversation. I yearn for conversations that make me think and reflect. Every once in a while I get to spend time with Anne and her housemates and that is always meaningful and fun, but that house has so much going on so those events are few and far between. At the same time, they're not men so it still leaves some longing for male intimacy.

And I know some of it's my fault. I can be reclusive at times and my weird sleep patterns could throw off anyone. I also am still struggling with letting people in (which is strange considering I have the desire to have real conversations with people). Strangely enough, I also hate being alone in my apartment because it causes me to think and reflect. I still don't know what I want to do with life and the prospect of having to sit down and face my fears and apprehensions alone seems daunting so I try and distract myself as best as I can with my computer or Netflix. This spirals into wasted time and continuing to feel bad for myself about not being able to figure life out.

All in all, I am well, just a little lonely and confused at times. I suppose by better times I meant when things were simple: all I had to worry about was passing my classes and sleeping (eventually). Better times were when my loved ones were close and community was just a cramped and at times awkward hallway away.

Bleh

That's pretty much how I've felt about life the past couple of weeks. This is my promise to try and get better at sharing my feelings again. I don't have much for now except that pictures can be both great and terrible at the same time. Just a little teaser for ya.

What would you tell the world?

It's a question I've been pondering lately. It really is a deep question with many implications to it. Surely a question so simple should not have an answer so complex. But it does. How does one define oneself in a statement? Be it 200 words or 200 pages, how does a man capture who he is into words?

But I think it is also a freeing question. To imagine we had the attention of all those around us and to know they were truly listening is quite empowering. With this attention, an eloquent man or woman could sway millions. With this attention, wars may be ended and wrongs may be righted. Surely that is a noble thought and one that most any of us would wish for. And yet, I think there is an even greater purpose this question can serve. If a man can answer this question, a man can be free.

With the attention of all, a woman could explain who she really was. With the freedom to speak truly, a man could cast off the chains of doubt, regret, failure, and lies. Speaking ones mind seems to have a freeing and calming power that not many other actions can accomplish. To speak and be not only heard but understood and appreciated as well, that is a gift and a power that can never be taken away.

So think on that. If you had the freedom, what would you tell the world? It's let me put a lot of things in perspective and freed up my mind in several areas. Hopefully it will be helpful for you as well.

As I said, this questions elicits quite the long answer. I'm not completely sure what my answer would be, but I have begun to form a response which I would like to share with you, in part at least. Given the proper stage and opportunity, this is what I'd like to share with the world:

"I am a helper and I am a carer. I am the man you can call at 3 in the morning with whatever problems you have. I am the man who will loan you money or possessions and never ask for them back. I will stay awake, travel any distance, and cancel whatever plans necessary to help out my friends. I am the man who will carry you until I can no longer stand, until I can no longer crawl, and until I can no longer move. I deserve to be treated kindly and thanked for my deeds and dedication, but I know it will not be so.

I will be ridiculed, mocked, taken advantage of, and walked all over by friends and enemies alike, but I will keep my head high and my sights set on my true purpose. I will slip up, I will become upset, and I will sometimes forget to turn the other cheek, but I know my faith in Him will bring me back to the right path. Every time I fall or am knocked over, He will help me rise again to continue on.

I trust and I am loyal. I will take you at your word until you show me your word is no good. I will trust when I should not and I will hurt when I am inevitably wronged. I will hurt, but I will forgive. Everyone deserves a second chance. And a third. And a fourth. And however many it takes until they get it right. I will hurt, but I will not falter. Some would call this trust a fault, but I will not listen. I am here to serve and that is what I will do. Until I have nothing left to give, until I have no time left to be spent, and until I have no energy left to move, I will serve.

I will be tired, I will be physically, emotionally, and spiritually spent, I will be sad at times, I will be lonely at times, and I will be hurt at times, but I will always be content.

Forgive me when I slip up and cheer me when I am sad. Use me. Call on me. Let me carry you when you are weary. For I am a servant, and I would have it no other way."

I wonder what it's like...?

I think that's a question we ask ourselves (in some variation) many times in our lives, probably even daily. What's it like to drive that car? What's it like to own those clothes? What's it like to be a boy/girl (depending on your current gender)? I wonder what it would be like to live in Europe? I wonder what being homeless is like?

Lately I've found myself thinking, "I wonder what it's like to be wanted." Which brings me back a lot to my last post. It's great in those brief instances where someone shows me I'm valued, but what about the rest of the time? What about the times I'm in my house alone, staring at my phone just wishing someone, anyone, would try to talk to me? Or the times I'm on Facebook, seeing how much more eventful and seemingly wonderful all of my friends' lives are, only to discover the last person to post something on my wall or send me an email was January 31st? Technology is great, but it has a habit of lowering my self-esteem when no one's using it to contact me.

The past four weekends, I've had the privilege of attending training for my new job at AT&T. I was in the training with nine other people. Each day, we had a nine hour class and then we all went out to eat and have fellowship. I met some pretty great people and we became quick friends. With the end of our training, we've still kept in pretty close contact, usually sounding off every night with how our day was at work and how we're doing personally. I love these times a lot, but, at the same time, it continues to make me sad. How come I can keep in close contact with people I've literally seen 8 times in my entire life, but people I've lived with for years, shared life with, cried with, and grown with, why am I lucky to get a message from them once every month or two (usually after my prompting)?

What's it like to be wanted, to have your presence matter? What's it like to know that you're on someone's mind, to know that, even if they're busy, someone wishes they could talk to you and find out how you're really doing? I miss the days when I knew someone cared more than just the times they ran into me. People say all the time, "Oh, I was just thinking about you." or "I was wondering how you were." But time and again I find myself wondering, are they just saying that? Do they mean it or are they just being polite? I certainly haven't seen any evidence to support their claims. We're the "show me" generation, we believe actions speak louder than words. You say you miss me and care about me, but what have you done to show me?

It's just a bummer to have things backfire time and time again. My friendships fall through. The hand I extend is either neglected or slapped aside. Facebook makes it worse. Interested in someone? Log on to see who they really care about. Certain people cause you grief whenever you see or hear about them? Good news, they all just became friends so they can rub your loneliness in your face. Things a little tough for you right now? Don't worry, here are tons of pictures of all the fun things all of your old friends are doing without you. It's as if time has stood still yet everyone else is allowed to move on to bigger and better things.

I tried to use Facebook to my advantage, only to have it come back and slap  me in the face. I suppose it was deserved, but that doesn't make it any easier. I figured I'd make a passive aggressive comment about how lonely I was in the hopes that someone would take pity on me. All I succeeded in doing was letting people know how big of a movie nerd I was.

But then I worry about how selfish I am. Am I really this needy? Why do I need so much attention? I'm an adult, why can't I be content on my own? How much of this is me and how much of this is our natural desire to be in community? I know I'm selfish, but I also know people shouldn't have to feel like this. This feeling isn't one anyone should have to experience.

And then there are the important questions I don't have to ask but others do.

I wonder what it's like to go to bed full? I wonder what it's like to have a family? I wonder what it's like to be loved?

How can I complain about my life when others have it so much worse? How can I be so dense?

Now that I feel slightly better and because I'm a movie nerd, I'm gonna go back to movies now. I think it's time for a true tail of friendship. Fox and the Hound anyone?

The Ship Must Have a Captain

So, it's no secret, I love movies. There are so many plots and actions that, though fantastical or exaggerated, perfectly convey feelings and desires we have in real life. In the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, there's a character called Davy Jones. I'm not going to ruin any of the plot, but, at some point and for some reason, Davy Jones is tired of feeling so he cuts out his heart and puts it in a box. As terrible as that is, I sometimes wish I could do that.

I care about people. A lot. And that can be really hard sometimes. In every friendship, both people have to work. In good friendships, the give and take is close to 50 - 50. There may be times of need when one puts in more than the other, but it's done with a mutual understanding. We all know life isn't fair, but it's no fun to be reminded of that constantly. In some friendships, the give and take is highly disproportionate. As of late, I feel most of my friendships have slipped into this zone with my give far outweighing everyone's take.

Valentines day will invariably bring up feelings and memories about relationships. Many of them are good, but it's so much easier to focus on the bad, especially since I've had a pretty rough past year and a half in the relationship arena. If I were honest with myself, I'm probably not 100% over Emily yet. I can say I'm genuinely happy that she's found someone she cares about and who cares for her, I don't doubt that for a second. However, after 5 months of confusing talks, culminating in a complete break in all communication with no explanation, I can't help but feel hurt and confused. Moving from this confusion, I (very slowly) developed feelings for a friend. Now, not only was I confused and hurt about Emily, I was feeling guilty for liking someone else who I knew didn't feel the same for me.

When I finally got up the resolve to just explain how I felt, even though I knew rejection was eminent, you can't fully prepare yourself for failure. Immediately after this event, said friend stopped all communication for two weeks. That part was worse than being rejected. Not only is my affection not wanted, my friendship isn't either? And, because it's me, I found out yesterday (via a joke from my roommate) that she's now in a relationship with someone I've never heard about and we may not be able to ever hang out again because of the perception that would give off. For those of you keeping track, that's a 3-hit combo K.O. Again, 100% happy for her that she's found someone, but it's hard not to feel slightly. . . betrayed almost?. . . that she couldn't have brought it up earlier.

I've legitimately come to the point where I don't know if I'll ever have a dating relationship again. I honestly can't remember what it feels like to be interested in a girl who's interested back. I forget what it's like to want to do those goofy, silly, romantic things for another person. I hate to say it, but I think I've become bitter towards love. And that saddens me. In my head, I can't think of a more perfect scenario than coming home from work, exhausted and ready for a break, only to be tackled by children who are excited to see you and greeted by a spouse who loves you and wants to know about your well-being. To think I may never have that is one of the hardest realizations I've ever come to.

And it's not just girls, though I do struggle in that arena. In the past year and a half, most of my close friends have moved away from Marion. Even before they were gone, I felt like I lost them. They never asked me to hang out. All of them lived in a house together so they were content. If I showed up, they were ALWAYS happy to have me, but I was never a priority like I used to be. And that hurt, especially because I had opened up to some of those very people about how much I hated always being the initiator. What friends I do have here, I never see anymore, maybe in passing once a semester. They have class and I work. I know it's part of growing up, but there has to be a better way.

And I know I'm not without blame. I'm not the easiest guy to be friends with. I legitimately struggle with letting people do things for me. I put up walls and push people away so I won't get hurt and so they won't see how ugly, needy, and selfish I am.

And so, I wish I had a box. A box to seal away my feelings because honestly, sometimes it seems not feeling would be much better than the pain I have right now. . .

Buttttttttt, that's not a fair assessment of life. There's two sides of every coin and, unless someone is engaged in a cosmic scam, that means there has to be good among the bad.

I recently started working at AT&T. I was referred by my friend Jonathan. He and Shawna live with their mother and two kids in the house adjacent to my apartment. After a lengthy application/interview/history check/drug testing process, I finally started in store last week. It was the day before Valentines Day and I was already thinking of why my life sucked and how much everyone hated me. Shawna came in with her son Dovev so he could see his daddy at work. I can never help but smile when children are happy. I don't understand how anyone can be upset with children around. Seeing how happy Dovev was to see his father really brightened my day.

But then, something even more amazing happened. Dovev turned his head after catching sight of me in his peripherals. His greeting for me was just as excited and energetic as the one Jonathan had received. And I had to fight hard not to cry in front of my co-workers on the first day in the store. I was so touched by what Dovev had done. It wasn't much, but it meant the world just to be shown how excited someone was to see me, to see that someone still cared. I cried later when I was alone, and again as I was driving to Ohio last night.

And on the drive, I remembered other times people had shown an interest at me and I had just overlooked it.

It looks like the Harmon 5 having me over for dinner so they can ask my input on male love languages.
It looks like Anne listening to my silly opinion on the psychology of male flirting.
It looks like Bethany asking me to show her how to make cheesecake.
It looks like Bethany explaining why I was a Hufflepuff in ways my ENTP mind could comprehend and accept.
It looks like Anne sitting up to talk with me after a surprise birthday party because she was genuinely interested in my well-being.
It looks like Bethany asking for my help with a school project and consenting to letting me stay late, even though I had a 3.5 hour drive and an early morning class.
It looks like Ima inviting me to Christmas Brunch because she knows I had nowhere and no one else.
It looks like Shawna teaching me to crochet a scarf, even though I wasn't very good at it.

It's people consenting to letting me help them and earnestly seeking advice from me. It's people I know are busy who still take the time to spend it with me (or let me spend it with them). It's just people letting me know that I matter.

I recently took an online quiz for the five love languages. I know mine pretty well so I was surprised when my number 1 and 2 had switched places. But as I thought about it, it made perfect sense. Quality time had replaced touch as my primary language. Of course it did. I feel like I've lost all connections. There can't be touch if there is no time. And not just time, but quality time. Time for questions and listening. Time for learning and laughing. Time for games and rest. Time. Do I still miss the physical contact? Yes, but let me just be with you for a day, and I'll be the happiest friend in the world.

On a semi related note: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/dog_paradox (I apologize for some of the language).

February 14th

I don't have a significant other. In fact, I've only ever had one on a Valentines day. However, as I was driving to Ohio for training today, I took some time to think. A lot of things were swirling around and I'm gonna talk about them tomorrow. They're kind of a bummer and I wanted to stay happy today. So, I decided to think about all of the women I am thankful for, even if they frustrate and confuse me at times.

The Harmon 5 - Anne, Bethany, Kayla, Kyla, and Rachel
I don't often get to interact with them, but I always enjoy when I do. I feel like I'm truly valued when I'm around them, like my presence is appreciated and my opinions really matter.

Matty
We've had a lot of ups and downs, but I will be forever grateful for her friendship, mostly for her constant push when I need it.

Kate
Kate has helped me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I am always humbled and challenged after talking with her. Even when she yells at me, I know it's out of love and her interest for my well-being. She is definitely a once in a lifetime friend.

Aunt Cindy
She is one of the most hospitable people I know. Even when I make it hard to communicate, she's always there and happy to assist me.

Shawna
I don't get to see her as much as I'd like, but Shawna is what I imagine a good big sister would be like. She's good at listening and discerning, goofy, fun to be around, and I love her kids. While we may not talk often, I know she cares about me and would help me at the drop of a hat.

Last but not least, Mom
She's been my biggest fan since day one. I may get annoyed by her constant need to be in contact, but I know it's just because she really loves me. I cannot begin to assign value to the talks we've had, especially once I became an adult. She was the first woman in my life, and I'll never forget that.

So, I may not have a significant other in my life right now, but I am fortunate to have several ladies who are important to me. If I could, I would buy them all nice gifts, but I don't think their spouses/fiances/boyfriends would appreciate that very much. While Valentines Day may not always have the best memories for me, I choose to be happy and celebrate what I have.

I am many things. . .

One of those things is an uncle. Between my three siblings (2 older and 1 younger), I now have 8 nieces and nephews. My siblings seem to think it's fun to name their children strangely so it takes me a while to remember them all, but I can do it.

1. Michael Gabriel (Brother)
2. Aubriella Braelyn (Older sister)
3. Rebecca Lynn (Brother)
4. Kaia Avalon (Older sister)
5. Aiden Ryker (Older sister)
6. Emily Jo De-lyte (Brother)
7. Taylee Rose (Older sister)

And the newest addition to the family:

8. Payton Brooke (Little sister)

She is the only one I have yet to see in person. She was also born with lots of health complications, but you could never tell it by looking at her. I'm told she's quite delightful in person. Must take after her favorite uncle. . . 

Resolutions

A friend of mine put up a Facebook status right before New Years that read, "I'm not a fan of New Year's resolutions. Why do we wait to make changes once a year? Jesus is our personal savior and it's always the right time to turn towards Him." While I appreciated his sentiment, I'm not entirely sure I agree with my friend. You see, it's like Easter. I should focus on Christ's Resurrection year round, but sometimes I get bogged down by the things around me and I push the miraculous means of my salvation to the back of my mind. Things like Lent, Palm Sunday, and Easter Sunday draw me back to the truth of my salvation. I think New Years is the same way. Yes, I can make life changes whenever I want because Christ is always with me, but that doesn't mean I don't need a reminder every once in a while. Life can get messy and cluttered; it's easy to lose sight of the little things.

All that to say, I want to make my resolutions public so I can be better held accountable. There are some personal goals that will remain between me and a few close friends, but a couple are best served being made public.

1. I want to be better about expressing what I'm really feeling. I am a people pleaser and I will often hide my true feelings because I don't want to let people know they've hurt me or let me down. I will also refrain from giving ideas if I think it will upset someone.

What it looks like: Being proactive. Sharing my feelings and opinions without being forced. One step further, seeking out those important friends and mentors in my life and sharing of my own accord. A sub-goal under this is to blog more. I've found blogging is a great way to process what I'm feeling. The written word has a power all its own. I don't think I want to set a strict limit, but I was thinking somewhere around 3-4 days a week, depending on what is going on in life.

2. I want to become more disciplined.

This is a very broad goal, but I do have several specific areas in mind.

A. I want to get better about spending alone time with the Lord.
B. I want to have healthier habits.
      i. Going to bed at a respectable time.
      ii. Eating healthier.
      iii. Being more active.
      iv. Seeking out friends when I'm feeling sad or lonely.
C. Being on time to things rather than "only a few minutes late."
D. Stop procrastinating on things for my job or at school.
E. Finally graduate.
F. Being intentional about seeking out God's will for my future rather than sitting back and expecting it to come to me.

So those are my resolutions for this year. Please call me out on them if you feel I'm failing.

I've talked about Kate Cook before and I will likely do so again. She was my NSO leader freshman year and we've since become friends. She's one of the wisest and most mature people I've ever met and she's only a year older than me. I don't know how she does it. Anyway, I was talking to her about the recent going-ons in my life and she gave me a lot of good advice. I don't have time to go into all of it, but one line in her letter stuck out to me so I'd like to share it with all of you. She was speaking specifically to relationships, but I feel like it can be applied to really any area of life. This, too, has become one of my goals for this year:

"Be the kind of man who deserves a woman you couldn't imagine deserving and she'll find you. God will bring her to you."

Follow up.

I feel like I should apologize for both the last post and this post in advance. I've noticed that I have a hard time focusing of late and that can lead to some pretty incoherent word vomit.

Today I talked to the girl previously referred to about my feelings. I apologized for acting out of jealousy and just explained where I was coming from. I told her I knew she didn't have feelings for me and that she wasn't looking for a relationship and that I was okay with it, but that I hadn't shared my feelings because I didn't want her to end our friendship. She thanked me for my honesty, apologized about having no feelings for me, and assured me we could still be friends. I'm actually encouraged by the conversation, as much of a bummer as it is to know my feelings aren't reciprocated. I was ready to leave when she threw a wrench in the conversation by saying, "I don't understand why you're attracted to me anyways. I feel like I'm not your type." I asked her to explain herself and she said she's "too mean." I just kind of laughed at it and left. I had a lot to say about it, but I didn't see how it was helpful in that time or place.

I guess I'm just confused because every time we talk about this subject she defends herself. She first says she has no feelings for me but then adds something like the above or that she's not "churchy" enough to be my type. It's happened over and over and it confuses me. Why does she feel the need to defend herself to me? Why doesn't she just plain say, "I have no feelings for you." and be done with? Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but every time she does this it seems to me that she's either trying to justify herself or convince herself that she really doesn't have feelings. She's entitled to feel however she wants, she doesn't need to justify herself to me. As much as it would sting, it would be better for me if she'd just say she doesn't like me and then let it drop. However, if she is just trying to convince herself she doesn't like me, I have a problem with that.

But, I don't want to read into things that aren't there or probe into things that are none of my business. I don't know if I should let it drop or address it with her. I really don't want to mess up this friendship but I have a feeling it's going to keep nagging me. Why do relationships have to be so hard and confusing?

(On a completely unrelated note, I only posted 13 times last year. That's kind of embarrassing. :-/ )

Oopsie

I've discovered I am really good at discovering problems in my life and saying I'll talk about them and then forgetting to. I really need to get better at that. There's a lot going on that I'd like to write about, that'll need to wait for tonight. I am currently undergoing a struggle that I want to talk about now though.

Most people have heard the saying, "Burning with anger/hatred." I understand how that's possible. I didn't know it was possible to burn with jealousy. I'm not really the jealous type. I'm generally too laid back to get jealous. Not to say there isn't healthy jealousy. If you're significant other is getting hit on by someone else, I think it's okay to show a little possessiveness; it shows you care. However, this is not that kind of jealousy.

There's a girl I like. We've been friends for a while, not friends for a while, but are currently friends again. It's been weird discovering I like her, but that's a story for another time. We met when we were both going through some relationship trouble. I had just been broken up with and she had just broken off an engagement. It was great having someone to talk to about the pain of that loss of relationship. Anyway, I was browsing some Facebook photos the other day and I saw one of her kissing her ex-fiance and I instantly felt my ears burning. I didn't understand why I would be jealous of something that happened so long ago, something I knew about too, it's not like it was shock.

Since then, it's happened a few other times, usually when she makes plans with other people, not me. I don't like being jealous. I don't like that it affects me this much. I would like to figure out how to stop it, but I'm not sure. Talking with her may be the best option, but that's pretty daunting. I hate not knowing what to do. :-(