Recently I've found that I'm good at interpreting God the way I want to. It has come up several times, but I have one example that better explains than the rest. Earlier this semester, I had decided God didn't want me to play rugby. I was a little sad (I do like rugby a lot) but I got over it quickly. Well, at least I thought I did.
People kept bringing it up to me and every time I answered, it didn't feel right. I told them God was showing me that I was involved in a lot of things and it was easy for me to get distracted from what was truly important. Therefore, I needed to quit something in order to stay better balanced. The last thing I added to my plate was rugby: it should be the first to go. That much is true, I heard that from God, but I interpreted it to fit what I wanted.
When I told people, my "not right" feeling was guilt. I don't think we should ever feel guilty for doing God's will, no matter how unpopular it makes us. So, I began to reexamine myself. One of the reasons I had brought up was that I was so busy and didn't have time for one more activity. I was reading through some of my past entries and I saw one where I posted that I had too much free time on my hands and that was bad for me. Now, how could I be too busy yet have too much free time? Someone else pointed that out to me a little while later.
So I began to search and see why I didn't want to play rugby. I came up with two reasons:
1. I hate the discipline required. I know it's important to be healthy and exercise. I know going to practice, even though it's not as fun as a game, is an important part of success. But I don't like discipline.
2. I feared the accountability of the other guys. The team has been very intentional about producing an atmosphere of brotherhood and accountability amongst ourselves. I didn't like the thought of having to answer and get close to so many other people.
And then I just laughed at myself. These are two things God has been speaking to me about for a while now. So yes, He was warning me that I easily lose myself in my activities and forget what is most important (i.e my relationship with Him). So I need to be conscious of how I spend my time and what I focus on the most. But that shouldn't stop me from playing.
This has been a good reminder for me about listening for God's will. Listening, without interjecting my own thoughts and opinions. God knows what I'm thinking and He knows what I desire. Some of those desires are good: He put them there. But some of them are human and selfish. I need to believe He knows what I need and, in time, will show me those needs as well. He wants to give me good gifts, I just don't always see them that way. But I will. It just takes a little time.
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