I've been having a little bit of a hard time lately being able to rejoice with my friends in their relationships. I have four or five friends that started dating about the same time Emily and I did. It's really good to see them all together and to see their love (or like, however they are most comfortable describing it) displayed on Facebook. It's also been good to see two of the guys on staff with me get engaged. However, I often catch myself becoming bitter towards them. And I never want to do that.
First of all, I know they are not doing it intentionally. None of them come up to me and rub their relationship in my face. Second of all, I am genuinely happy for them. It's good to see how God is moving in their lives, both individually and as couples. It also does my heart good to see my friends happy. It's just so hard sometimes to remember to be joyful for others, even as we lament our own situation.
Which brings up another good point. My teacher in marriage and family pointed out something that I knew before but lost somewhere along the way. Dating (and marriage) is a gift from God. That doesn't mean singleness isn't as well. There are things God can do through us while we're single that He can't (well, as easily I guess) do through us if we're dating. There are also things that must be learned as a single person.
So, I'll try to be better about it. It's just tough sometimes. So Mike, Bethany, Evelyn, Aaron, Aaron, Gabe, Felicia, Andrew, Jana, Dan, Erin, and Becca: I really am happy for all of you. I'm sorry if I've ever made you think otherwise. It's good for me to see you happy in relationships, even while it's hard at times. Thank you for letting me rejoice with you. And also, thank you to those of you who have sat and cried with me. It means a lot to be with a body of believers and friends like you.
Haha, I started crying as I typed this.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Nathan Milner
is my boss... among other things. A great guy is one of those things. As is a Canadian. Last Monday was Canadian Thanksgiving. He wanted to celebrate it with us. It was fantastic. Among other things, it made me feel a little bad. I've been really whiny lately. Some would say justifiably so, but it still doesn't sit right. So, I wanted to make a list of things I'm thankful for this year. I need visual reminders sometimes.
1. I've been able to attend school at IWU debt free.
2. I have great professors who care about me as a person.
3. I have a lot of great friends.
4. My car (though it may be old) is a reliable form of transportation.
5. My health has been near perfect.
6. God has cared enough about me to draw me closer to Him.
7. I now own a guitar and I'm getting better at playing every day.
8. I have two parents who love me very much.
9. I've been able to play a full contact sport for the first time in 4 years.
10. God lead me out of an unhealthy relationship.
11. God gave me an incredible, 5 month relationship with a beautiful woman of God and used it (as well as the breakup, painful though it has been) to teach me more than at any other time in my life (obviously this is not the same relationship that was talked about in 10).
12. I've been able to join a small accountability/bible study group of men.
13. I have an adult mentor. :-)
14. I've been able to open up and be honest about myself.
15. I have fantastic residents.
16. God has furthered my vision of my life calling.
17. I've been able to overcome most of my inferiority issues.
18. My grades really haven't been that bad.
19. I get to teach 10 - 20 amazing kids about Jesus every Sunday.
20. I finally am a part of a church again, not just a church-goer.
21. I have a wonderful aunt and uncle five minutes off-campus who love me very much and treat me better than I deserve.
22. It's only October... He's not done yet.
There's a lot more, but I don't want to bore you. Also, I need to go on a round and then it's time for small group. I think this post is much more for me than for any of you. However, I would challenge each of you to make your own list. It never hurts to praise God for the wonderful things He's gifted us with. Indeed, it is right that we should do so.
1. I've been able to attend school at IWU debt free.
2. I have great professors who care about me as a person.
3. I have a lot of great friends.
4. My car (though it may be old) is a reliable form of transportation.
5. My health has been near perfect.
6. God has cared enough about me to draw me closer to Him.
7. I now own a guitar and I'm getting better at playing every day.
8. I have two parents who love me very much.
9. I've been able to play a full contact sport for the first time in 4 years.
10. God lead me out of an unhealthy relationship.
11. God gave me an incredible, 5 month relationship with a beautiful woman of God and used it (as well as the breakup, painful though it has been) to teach me more than at any other time in my life (obviously this is not the same relationship that was talked about in 10).
12. I've been able to join a small accountability/bible study group of men.
13. I have an adult mentor. :-)
14. I've been able to open up and be honest about myself.
15. I have fantastic residents.
16. God has furthered my vision of my life calling.
17. I've been able to overcome most of my inferiority issues.
18. My grades really haven't been that bad.
19. I get to teach 10 - 20 amazing kids about Jesus every Sunday.
20. I finally am a part of a church again, not just a church-goer.
21. I have a wonderful aunt and uncle five minutes off-campus who love me very much and treat me better than I deserve.
22. It's only October... He's not done yet.
There's a lot more, but I don't want to bore you. Also, I need to go on a round and then it's time for small group. I think this post is much more for me than for any of you. However, I would challenge each of you to make your own list. It never hurts to praise God for the wonderful things He's gifted us with. Indeed, it is right that we should do so.
Ryan Reynolds
I'm still not sure how I feel about him. I did, however, enjoy his latest movie "Green Lantern." Again, without giving away anything important, an alien race harnessed the most powerful force in the universe: Will. Will's power was harnessed into (I think it was 3600) rings. These rings, using the power of Will, are able to create anything their chosen wearers can imagine. The stronger the wielder's will, the stronger the construct becomes.
As in all hero movies, comics, books, etc... there is of course an opposing force. Fear (makes a lot of sense doesn't it?). At a particular point in the movie, our hero is inches from being destroyed by fear incarnate. The only thing standing between them is a shield of pure will. So how does the villain try to destroy our hero? By causing him to doubt himself (fear that he's not good enough). It seems to be working well. However, just inches from death, our hero begins reciting the creed of the Corp (the group of ring wearers is called the Green Lantern Corp). As he's reciting the creed, he finds new strength and drives fear back.
How true is this as Christians? I think one of Satan's biggest ploys is to isolate us. If he can separate us from our support, he can destroy us or, in the very least, incapacitate us. We are fortunate to have ammunition similar to that of Reynolds' character. The Apostle's Creed immediately comes to mind. And this ammunition helps us for several reasons. I'd like to go into two.
The first is that it firms our resolve, strengthens our will. In the act of reciting what we believe, we are reminded of our purpose. Secondly, it reminds us we're not alone. Those saints who have come before us and all believers who will come after all join in the same faith. There is power in words and even more power in a shared statement of faith. So, the next time you feel alone and incapable, find something (the Apostle's Creed is a good start, but there are many other great statements out there) to verbally remind you that you're wrong. All believers are connected by our Heavenly Father. No matter what lies you're told, this will always be true.
As in all hero movies, comics, books, etc... there is of course an opposing force. Fear (makes a lot of sense doesn't it?). At a particular point in the movie, our hero is inches from being destroyed by fear incarnate. The only thing standing between them is a shield of pure will. So how does the villain try to destroy our hero? By causing him to doubt himself (fear that he's not good enough). It seems to be working well. However, just inches from death, our hero begins reciting the creed of the Corp (the group of ring wearers is called the Green Lantern Corp). As he's reciting the creed, he finds new strength and drives fear back.
How true is this as Christians? I think one of Satan's biggest ploys is to isolate us. If he can separate us from our support, he can destroy us or, in the very least, incapacitate us. We are fortunate to have ammunition similar to that of Reynolds' character. The Apostle's Creed immediately comes to mind. And this ammunition helps us for several reasons. I'd like to go into two.
The first is that it firms our resolve, strengthens our will. In the act of reciting what we believe, we are reminded of our purpose. Secondly, it reminds us we're not alone. Those saints who have come before us and all believers who will come after all join in the same faith. There is power in words and even more power in a shared statement of faith. So, the next time you feel alone and incapable, find something (the Apostle's Creed is a good start, but there are many other great statements out there) to verbally remind you that you're wrong. All believers are connected by our Heavenly Father. No matter what lies you're told, this will always be true.
More than meets the eye.
You may say what you want, but I enjoy the Transformers movies. All three of them in fact. I may not agree with the choice of characters (both of the female leads) nor some of the actions contained within the movies (especially the unnecessarily gratuitous amount of sexual innuendos in the second film), but they do entertain me and cause me to think. It doesn't hurt that they scratch a nostalgic itch as well... I could probably say something about each of the films, but I most recently watched the third movie so that is what I will speak from (I'll try my best to avoid all spoilers for those who have not seen the films and would still like to).
So, how to set this up without ruining it for anyone. As you could guess if you've seen any of the movies, the Autobots (the good guys) and the Decepticons (the bad guys) are once again at war on Earth. One thing leads to another and things aren't looking so good for the humans. In their desperation, they make a decision concerning the Autobots. Optimus Prime (the leader of the Autobots) knows the humans made the wrong decision, but he follows it anyway.
I think God does this with us sometimes. When we're angry or confused, we often make decisions, decisions that are terrible for us. And God (in His love for us) lets us make those choices. He steps back and lets us decide. It sometimes seems strange that this can be true. If He loved us, He would protect us, right? First of all, to not do this would take away our free will, thereby jeopardizing a loving relationship with us. But, there is a second reason as well.
Unfortunately (as I've been learning a lot lately), sometimes loving us means letting us make the wrong decision. We need to see that, contrary to our belief, we don't know what's best for us. We learn from mistakes and from heart ache. Indeed, the school of hard knocks is the oldest in existence and (arguably) has the highest learning rate out there.
The important part of it all is this: once we've learned our lesson, we discover God never really left us. He watched us make the bad choice, but He never abandoned us and, when we ask for help, He's more than willing to throw His limitless power behind us. Could we ask for a greater God?
If you want to see the clip I'm talking about, you can find it here. The particular part I'm referring to starts around the 1:45 mark.
So, how to set this up without ruining it for anyone. As you could guess if you've seen any of the movies, the Autobots (the good guys) and the Decepticons (the bad guys) are once again at war on Earth. One thing leads to another and things aren't looking so good for the humans. In their desperation, they make a decision concerning the Autobots. Optimus Prime (the leader of the Autobots) knows the humans made the wrong decision, but he follows it anyway.
I think God does this with us sometimes. When we're angry or confused, we often make decisions, decisions that are terrible for us. And God (in His love for us) lets us make those choices. He steps back and lets us decide. It sometimes seems strange that this can be true. If He loved us, He would protect us, right? First of all, to not do this would take away our free will, thereby jeopardizing a loving relationship with us. But, there is a second reason as well.
Unfortunately (as I've been learning a lot lately), sometimes loving us means letting us make the wrong decision. We need to see that, contrary to our belief, we don't know what's best for us. We learn from mistakes and from heart ache. Indeed, the school of hard knocks is the oldest in existence and (arguably) has the highest learning rate out there.
The important part of it all is this: once we've learned our lesson, we discover God never really left us. He watched us make the bad choice, but He never abandoned us and, when we ask for help, He's more than willing to throw His limitless power behind us. Could we ask for a greater God?
If you want to see the clip I'm talking about, you can find it here. The particular part I'm referring to starts around the 1:45 mark.
Culture, from a Christian perspective.
A lot of non-Christians I know complain that choosing to believe in God has no benefits (obviously, it's hard to point out what the benefits actually are unless they acknowledge the existence of Heaven and Hell). So, it's something I tend to think about intermittently. The other day I was watching a movie and I think I found another reason. Being a Christian allows us to enjoy movies (and books or really any work of fiction) on an entirely different level then non-Christians.
For example, J.R.R Tolkien's books (and the movies based on them) are some of the most critically acclaimed works of fiction in our present time. As a human being, I can enjoy them on the same level as everyone else. As a Christian, I get to experience a whole new level of enjoyment. I just recently finished a devotional book entitled "Walking with Frodo." The book used passages and experiences from Tolkien's works to teach us something about our Christian lives. How cool is that? John Eldridge, one of my new favorite authors, veritably douses his works with liberal amounts of fiction.
I know the examples I just provided were Christian ones, but, I think this principle can be extended to all works of fiction. I have two such examples I would like to share with you.... In separate posts...
For example, J.R.R Tolkien's books (and the movies based on them) are some of the most critically acclaimed works of fiction in our present time. As a human being, I can enjoy them on the same level as everyone else. As a Christian, I get to experience a whole new level of enjoyment. I just recently finished a devotional book entitled "Walking with Frodo." The book used passages and experiences from Tolkien's works to teach us something about our Christian lives. How cool is that? John Eldridge, one of my new favorite authors, veritably douses his works with liberal amounts of fiction.
I know the examples I just provided were Christian ones, but, I think this principle can be extended to all works of fiction. I have two such examples I would like to share with you.... In separate posts...
I think some of my friends may be ghosts.
One downside about having so few Facebook friends is that I think I've become paranoid about the number. The other day I was on and I had one more friend than I did the previous night. There was no notification saying I had friended someone and, when I looked at the list, I didn't see anyone I didn't recognize. So, I thought nothing of it. Today, the number mysteriously dropped. I checked again and I didn't see any people missing from the previous list.
So, either I'm having imaginary friends or Facebook is making mistakes. However, we all know that the Internet (it's capitalized for a reason) and everything posted to the Internet is infallibly true. Therefore, we can assume the second proposition is false leading me to believe I'm making up friends. Yet, this leads to a contradiction because I know for a fact I'm not making anything up.
Therefore, I'm lead to the conclusion that my friends are either ghosts or ninjas. On the one hand, it would be nice to meet Bruce Willis. On the other, I don't want to be assassinated by one of my ninja friends if they get angry at me. Whoever you are mystery person, I will get to the bottom of this.
So, either I'm having imaginary friends or Facebook is making mistakes. However, we all know that the Internet (it's capitalized for a reason) and everything posted to the Internet is infallibly true. Therefore, we can assume the second proposition is false leading me to believe I'm making up friends. Yet, this leads to a contradiction because I know for a fact I'm not making anything up.
Therefore, I'm lead to the conclusion that my friends are either ghosts or ninjas. On the one hand, it would be nice to meet Bruce Willis. On the other, I don't want to be assassinated by one of my ninja friends if they get angry at me. Whoever you are mystery person, I will get to the bottom of this.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
I thought girls were supposed to be the moody ones.
It's funny how fickle we can be as humans. Whether it comes from God or Satan, I'm not sure (I think it can come from both, it just depends on the circumstances), there are things that can instantly change our attitude. Yesterday, I had a ton of fun with lots of friends at the MAC (Mathematical Academic Consortium) game night. Afterwards, I hung out with some of the guys on my floor. We decided to take a random trip to Kokomo at 1 in the morning to get donuts. They weren't as good as everyone claimed (maybe I'm just to loyal to Karmel McKnuts), but the bonding time was well worth the trip. The extrovert inside of me was ecstatic and it was good to get my mind off of the things that have been bringing me down lately.
Today was pretty good. I successfully evaded homework for five hours, went to Starbucks with Chris to do said homework and got quite a bit done, went to Applebees with one of my friends who graduated and now attends P.T school in Indy, and then played Magic (the Gathering) with Chris and Nick (and won best 2 of 3).
I've been in a pretty good mood. A lot of it had to do with all of the friend time I've had lately, but a good portion has also been because of my re-commitment to my daily, intentional relationship with God. It took about twenty seconds of logging into Facebook to shatter my entire day. It wasn't a bad thing, it wasn't even an intentional thing, but the first thing I saw shattered my resolve.
And that's where I'm confused. I immediately want to say it's the devil. The devil likes it when we're sad, angry, and confused. It very well could have been Satan's attempt to discourage me (and it worked pretty well if it was). However, it very easily could have been God as well. God likes it when we're happy, but He is a jealous God. This easily could have been to show me that I'm still not as reliant on Him as I need to be, that I'm still too concerned about my value to others instead of to Him. Maybe He's challenging me and letting me know (in a not so subtle way) that I still need to depend on Him for my strength daily.
Whatever the reason and Whomever it was from, I'm kind of glad it happened. I'm sad, confused, and hurting, but I'm getting ready to take it to God. So, if it was you Satan, sorry (not really), but your plan backfired. You wanted to draw me into isolation and loneliness, but you only sent me running right back to God's arms. And if it was you God, I'm sorry for being a bad listener and a bad learner. Thank you for caring about me enough to not only break me, but to pick me up afterwards.
I've been thinking about a lot of things to blog about. I wish I had done that before I got on Facebook because now I'm not feeling up to it. But, I know I will be soon, with God's help. So goodbye for now, I promise to come back soon. Prayers would be appreciated regardless. You're all great. :-)
Today was pretty good. I successfully evaded homework for five hours, went to Starbucks with Chris to do said homework and got quite a bit done, went to Applebees with one of my friends who graduated and now attends P.T school in Indy, and then played Magic (the Gathering) with Chris and Nick (and won best 2 of 3).
I've been in a pretty good mood. A lot of it had to do with all of the friend time I've had lately, but a good portion has also been because of my re-commitment to my daily, intentional relationship with God. It took about twenty seconds of logging into Facebook to shatter my entire day. It wasn't a bad thing, it wasn't even an intentional thing, but the first thing I saw shattered my resolve.
And that's where I'm confused. I immediately want to say it's the devil. The devil likes it when we're sad, angry, and confused. It very well could have been Satan's attempt to discourage me (and it worked pretty well if it was). However, it very easily could have been God as well. God likes it when we're happy, but He is a jealous God. This easily could have been to show me that I'm still not as reliant on Him as I need to be, that I'm still too concerned about my value to others instead of to Him. Maybe He's challenging me and letting me know (in a not so subtle way) that I still need to depend on Him for my strength daily.
Whatever the reason and Whomever it was from, I'm kind of glad it happened. I'm sad, confused, and hurting, but I'm getting ready to take it to God. So, if it was you Satan, sorry (not really), but your plan backfired. You wanted to draw me into isolation and loneliness, but you only sent me running right back to God's arms. And if it was you God, I'm sorry for being a bad listener and a bad learner. Thank you for caring about me enough to not only break me, but to pick me up afterwards.
I've been thinking about a lot of things to blog about. I wish I had done that before I got on Facebook because now I'm not feeling up to it. But, I know I will be soon, with God's help. So goodbye for now, I promise to come back soon. Prayers would be appreciated regardless. You're all great. :-)
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Can I get an interpreter up in here?
Recently I've found that I'm good at interpreting God the way I want to. It has come up several times, but I have one example that better explains than the rest. Earlier this semester, I had decided God didn't want me to play rugby. I was a little sad (I do like rugby a lot) but I got over it quickly. Well, at least I thought I did.
People kept bringing it up to me and every time I answered, it didn't feel right. I told them God was showing me that I was involved in a lot of things and it was easy for me to get distracted from what was truly important. Therefore, I needed to quit something in order to stay better balanced. The last thing I added to my plate was rugby: it should be the first to go. That much is true, I heard that from God, but I interpreted it to fit what I wanted.
When I told people, my "not right" feeling was guilt. I don't think we should ever feel guilty for doing God's will, no matter how unpopular it makes us. So, I began to reexamine myself. One of the reasons I had brought up was that I was so busy and didn't have time for one more activity. I was reading through some of my past entries and I saw one where I posted that I had too much free time on my hands and that was bad for me. Now, how could I be too busy yet have too much free time? Someone else pointed that out to me a little while later.
So I began to search and see why I didn't want to play rugby. I came up with two reasons:
1. I hate the discipline required. I know it's important to be healthy and exercise. I know going to practice, even though it's not as fun as a game, is an important part of success. But I don't like discipline.
2. I feared the accountability of the other guys. The team has been very intentional about producing an atmosphere of brotherhood and accountability amongst ourselves. I didn't like the thought of having to answer and get close to so many other people.
And then I just laughed at myself. These are two things God has been speaking to me about for a while now. So yes, He was warning me that I easily lose myself in my activities and forget what is most important (i.e my relationship with Him). So I need to be conscious of how I spend my time and what I focus on the most. But that shouldn't stop me from playing.
This has been a good reminder for me about listening for God's will. Listening, without interjecting my own thoughts and opinions. God knows what I'm thinking and He knows what I desire. Some of those desires are good: He put them there. But some of them are human and selfish. I need to believe He knows what I need and, in time, will show me those needs as well. He wants to give me good gifts, I just don't always see them that way. But I will. It just takes a little time.
People kept bringing it up to me and every time I answered, it didn't feel right. I told them God was showing me that I was involved in a lot of things and it was easy for me to get distracted from what was truly important. Therefore, I needed to quit something in order to stay better balanced. The last thing I added to my plate was rugby: it should be the first to go. That much is true, I heard that from God, but I interpreted it to fit what I wanted.
When I told people, my "not right" feeling was guilt. I don't think we should ever feel guilty for doing God's will, no matter how unpopular it makes us. So, I began to reexamine myself. One of the reasons I had brought up was that I was so busy and didn't have time for one more activity. I was reading through some of my past entries and I saw one where I posted that I had too much free time on my hands and that was bad for me. Now, how could I be too busy yet have too much free time? Someone else pointed that out to me a little while later.
So I began to search and see why I didn't want to play rugby. I came up with two reasons:
1. I hate the discipline required. I know it's important to be healthy and exercise. I know going to practice, even though it's not as fun as a game, is an important part of success. But I don't like discipline.
2. I feared the accountability of the other guys. The team has been very intentional about producing an atmosphere of brotherhood and accountability amongst ourselves. I didn't like the thought of having to answer and get close to so many other people.
And then I just laughed at myself. These are two things God has been speaking to me about for a while now. So yes, He was warning me that I easily lose myself in my activities and forget what is most important (i.e my relationship with Him). So I need to be conscious of how I spend my time and what I focus on the most. But that shouldn't stop me from playing.
This has been a good reminder for me about listening for God's will. Listening, without interjecting my own thoughts and opinions. God knows what I'm thinking and He knows what I desire. Some of those desires are good: He put them there. But some of them are human and selfish. I need to believe He knows what I need and, in time, will show me those needs as well. He wants to give me good gifts, I just don't always see them that way. But I will. It just takes a little time.
Do you believe in coincidences?
I don't. Six weeks ago, when I was distraught about my relationship with God, I got to sit down with a good friend (Kyle Kunzmann). Among many other things, he recommended to me that I read "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. He even let me borrow one of his copies. The book is a collection of short devotionals based on one or two verses of scripture. There's one for every day (kind of like those flip calendars with quotes and stuff). I don't always read it on the day I'm supposed to, but I've done really well (and made up all of those that I've missed). I really felt like sharing today's (it's based on Matthew 11:28):
"Isn't it humiliating to be told that we must come to Jesus! Think of the things about which we will not come to Jesus Christ. If you want to know how real you are, test yourself by these words - 'Come to Me...' In every dimension in which you are not real, you will argue or evade the issue altogether rather than come; you will go through sorrow rather than come; and you will do anything rather than come the last lap of the race of seemingly unspeakable foolishness and say, 'Just as I am, I come.' As long as you have even the least bit of spiritual disrespect, it will always reveal itself in the fact that you are expecting God to tell you to do something very big, and yet all He is telling you to do is to 'Come...'
'Come to Me...' When you hear those words, you will know that something must happen in you before you can come. The Holy Spirit will show you what you have to do, and it will involve anything that will uproot whatever is preventing you from getting through to Jesus. And you will never get any further until you are willing to do that very thing. The Holy spirit will search out that one immovable stronghold within you, but He cannot budge it unless you are willing to let Him do so.
How often have you come to god with your requests and gone away thinking, 'I've really received what I wanted this time!' And yet you go away with nothing, while all the time God has stood with His hands outstretched not only to take you but also for you to take Him. Just think of the invincible, unconquerable, and untiring patience of Jesus, who lovingly says, 'Come to Me...'"
I think it's funny that this should be the devotion I read today. Haven't I been thinking about this the past few weeks? Didn't I just recently begin to understand (although admittedly to a much smaller degree than these words explained) this very concept? God will constantly reinforce His will for our lives. If we would just wait and listen for His words, we would know this to be true.
I think I've discovered what it is the Holy Spirit is calling me to give up. And Chambers is right, I don't want to give it up and I never will on my own. And that's the very reason God sends His gift to us, through His Son (and also the reason He places convictions upon our hearts). So, I've decided to finally give it up. I know I'm not going to be able to do it on my own, but, I'm okay with that. It's going to take a while, but I want to be able to get through to Jesus, so I've determined to give it my best, and to ask His help when (not if) my best isn't good enough.
What's your immovable stronghold? Ready to overcome? I pray that you are. :-)
"Isn't it humiliating to be told that we must come to Jesus! Think of the things about which we will not come to Jesus Christ. If you want to know how real you are, test yourself by these words - 'Come to Me...' In every dimension in which you are not real, you will argue or evade the issue altogether rather than come; you will go through sorrow rather than come; and you will do anything rather than come the last lap of the race of seemingly unspeakable foolishness and say, 'Just as I am, I come.' As long as you have even the least bit of spiritual disrespect, it will always reveal itself in the fact that you are expecting God to tell you to do something very big, and yet all He is telling you to do is to 'Come...'
'Come to Me...' When you hear those words, you will know that something must happen in you before you can come. The Holy Spirit will show you what you have to do, and it will involve anything that will uproot whatever is preventing you from getting through to Jesus. And you will never get any further until you are willing to do that very thing. The Holy spirit will search out that one immovable stronghold within you, but He cannot budge it unless you are willing to let Him do so.
How often have you come to god with your requests and gone away thinking, 'I've really received what I wanted this time!' And yet you go away with nothing, while all the time God has stood with His hands outstretched not only to take you but also for you to take Him. Just think of the invincible, unconquerable, and untiring patience of Jesus, who lovingly says, 'Come to Me...'"
I think it's funny that this should be the devotion I read today. Haven't I been thinking about this the past few weeks? Didn't I just recently begin to understand (although admittedly to a much smaller degree than these words explained) this very concept? God will constantly reinforce His will for our lives. If we would just wait and listen for His words, we would know this to be true.
I think I've discovered what it is the Holy Spirit is calling me to give up. And Chambers is right, I don't want to give it up and I never will on my own. And that's the very reason God sends His gift to us, through His Son (and also the reason He places convictions upon our hearts). So, I've decided to finally give it up. I know I'm not going to be able to do it on my own, but, I'm okay with that. It's going to take a while, but I want to be able to get through to Jesus, so I've determined to give it my best, and to ask His help when (not if) my best isn't good enough.
What's your immovable stronghold? Ready to overcome? I pray that you are. :-)
A little while ago I posted about changing my Facebook habits. I've noticed recently that I'm much more excited to get on Facebook now. I know that I'm going to see things from people that I like and that I'm going to find them quickly. I've seen more posts from some of my oldest friends within the past month than I have in the rest of the four years I've been on Facebook.
So, I'm glad that I'm excited. It just reinforces my belief that cutting friends was something I needed to do. This doesn't mean I'm never going to friend anyone else ever again, but I'm definitely going to be more selective. I'm also going to be more conscience of how I interact with my friends, family, and acquaintances outside of Facebook (I know, I know, it's hard to imagine doing things in real life, but I'm sure I'll manage somehow). All things aside, I have started spending more time on Facebook now that I'm more excited about it. Not as much as I used to, but enough that it may become troublesome if I don't learn to discipline myself, and soon.
As the saying goes... "Work before play."
So, I'm glad that I'm excited. It just reinforces my belief that cutting friends was something I needed to do. This doesn't mean I'm never going to friend anyone else ever again, but I'm definitely going to be more selective. I'm also going to be more conscience of how I interact with my friends, family, and acquaintances outside of Facebook (I know, I know, it's hard to imagine doing things in real life, but I'm sure I'll manage somehow). All things aside, I have started spending more time on Facebook now that I'm more excited about it. Not as much as I used to, but enough that it may become troublesome if I don't learn to discipline myself, and soon.
As the saying goes... "Work before play."
Count your blessings
As humans, it is super easy to complain when things aren't going our way. Today the rugby team played the 8th ranked Division III team in the nation. We lost 22-7. The score, however, is not really telling of how the game went. It would have been conceivable for us to have reversed that score. Our team played super well and just caught a few bad breaks. It was still a great game, but there's always some disappointment accompanying a loss. It was worse for me because I didn't even get to play.
I'm not saying I'm the best rugby player out there (I'm nowhere near that conceited), but I am one of the better players on the team. This has nothing to do with me at all, I just happen to have more athletic experience than most of the guys (thank you, tiny, tiny high schools). I also have more rugby experience (a whole three or four games) than most of the team. It's not much, but it does help. And it wasn't just me out, three of our other veteran players are injured as well. It's hard to think that we would have lost if all of us were healthy.
So I had a little bit of a bitter attitude today, not towards anyone specifically, just at my predicament in general. But then I got to thinking about my medical history. I have a pretty good immune system. I only ever get sick once or twice every few years. I've also got a pretty sturdy body. I'm a pretty physical person. I enjoy wrestling and football and rugby. With as physical as I am, it's no surprise that I often get "hurt." However, I can count the "life-altering" (i.e I couldn't operate normally or at least well enough to seem okay) injuries I've had on one hand.
The first was senior year of high school. I don't like counting this one but it's the only one I've gone to the hospital for. I suppose that's worth something. I was at a track meet and I got hit in the temple with a shot put. I went down but was completely fine. I still had to ride the ambulance to the hospital, get x-rays, and left with a band-aid. Most expensive band-aid ever. (Not really, it was only $2.00 but the whole trip was $600). I don't think I have any lasting side effects, but I've heard head trauma can be tricky, so who knows...
The second was my freshmen year at IWU. We were playing Frisbee in the gyms and I jumped off the wall to jump over a girl who fell in front of me. I landed with my ankle completely sideways. First sprained ankle ever. I wore a brace for a week or two, but then I was fine.
The third one was yesterday and it's fairly similar to the second. I sprained my ankle pretty badly in rugby practice. I can still walk on it, but it's easily the worst injury I've ever had. I had to sit out our game today and will probably miss the one next weekend as well. Even worse, I may have to miss Ultimate two weeks in a row :-S.
But, as I was thinking about it, I realized just how fortunate I am. I've only had three "bad" injuries. The worst of them caused me to limp for a week or two. There are people who spend every day in wheel chairs. Others have to get allergy shots once a month, or carry around inhalers at all times. How silly of me is it to be so upset over something so temporary?
So now, I praise God for my great health. I am far more fortunate than most, and I never give credit where credit is due. Hopefully I can do better from now on.
I'm not saying I'm the best rugby player out there (I'm nowhere near that conceited), but I am one of the better players on the team. This has nothing to do with me at all, I just happen to have more athletic experience than most of the guys (thank you, tiny, tiny high schools). I also have more rugby experience (a whole three or four games) than most of the team. It's not much, but it does help. And it wasn't just me out, three of our other veteran players are injured as well. It's hard to think that we would have lost if all of us were healthy.
So I had a little bit of a bitter attitude today, not towards anyone specifically, just at my predicament in general. But then I got to thinking about my medical history. I have a pretty good immune system. I only ever get sick once or twice every few years. I've also got a pretty sturdy body. I'm a pretty physical person. I enjoy wrestling and football and rugby. With as physical as I am, it's no surprise that I often get "hurt." However, I can count the "life-altering" (i.e I couldn't operate normally or at least well enough to seem okay) injuries I've had on one hand.
The first was senior year of high school. I don't like counting this one but it's the only one I've gone to the hospital for. I suppose that's worth something. I was at a track meet and I got hit in the temple with a shot put. I went down but was completely fine. I still had to ride the ambulance to the hospital, get x-rays, and left with a band-aid. Most expensive band-aid ever. (Not really, it was only $2.00 but the whole trip was $600). I don't think I have any lasting side effects, but I've heard head trauma can be tricky, so who knows...
The second was my freshmen year at IWU. We were playing Frisbee in the gyms and I jumped off the wall to jump over a girl who fell in front of me. I landed with my ankle completely sideways. First sprained ankle ever. I wore a brace for a week or two, but then I was fine.
The third one was yesterday and it's fairly similar to the second. I sprained my ankle pretty badly in rugby practice. I can still walk on it, but it's easily the worst injury I've ever had. I had to sit out our game today and will probably miss the one next weekend as well. Even worse, I may have to miss Ultimate two weeks in a row :-S.
But, as I was thinking about it, I realized just how fortunate I am. I've only had three "bad" injuries. The worst of them caused me to limp for a week or two. There are people who spend every day in wheel chairs. Others have to get allergy shots once a month, or carry around inhalers at all times. How silly of me is it to be so upset over something so temporary?
So now, I praise God for my great health. I am far more fortunate than most, and I never give credit where credit is due. Hopefully I can do better from now on.
Postings
Ever since I decided I wanted to post every night, I've been keeping track of how far behind I am. A lot of times I get really tired by the time I get back to my room and I just crash. Sometimes, I'm not sure what I'm thinking so I don't want to write it down just yet. Well, at least not where other people can see it.
That was one of the biggest differences between my last girlfriend and I. When something happens to me, I like to immediately analyze and come to a conclusion. Emily needed time to mull over thoughts. I could understand why, but it was not something I ever did. Well, until now I suppose. I'm beginning to see just how important thinking things over can be. It gives me time to offer my thoughts to God and get His opinion. It allows me to voice my opinions more easily. I relate to people better.
So, while there is merit in coming to quick conclusions (it is highly possible to over think and over analyze things), I'm going to spend at least a little more time thinking things through. Hopefully this change will become evident in all of my interactions. As far as postings are concerned, I still like the "pressure" of coming up with something every night (it forces me to be intentional), but I'm going to cut myself some slack if I miss a night.
That was one of the biggest differences between my last girlfriend and I. When something happens to me, I like to immediately analyze and come to a conclusion. Emily needed time to mull over thoughts. I could understand why, but it was not something I ever did. Well, until now I suppose. I'm beginning to see just how important thinking things over can be. It gives me time to offer my thoughts to God and get His opinion. It allows me to voice my opinions more easily. I relate to people better.
So, while there is merit in coming to quick conclusions (it is highly possible to over think and over analyze things), I'm going to spend at least a little more time thinking things through. Hopefully this change will become evident in all of my interactions. As far as postings are concerned, I still like the "pressure" of coming up with something every night (it forces me to be intentional), but I'm going to cut myself some slack if I miss a night.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
How are you?
I think that's a question many people ask but never really want the answer to. It has just become another form of "hello." I know I am guilty of it. Of course, with my "close" friends I mean it, but not to the random people walking around campus.
And what about the way we answer the question? We know that (in most cases) the person doesn't really care, they are just trying to be polite. A few weeks ago I found out that my sister is having problems again, my aunt's breast cancer is back, God and I were fighting back and forth, and I was still dealing with emotions from my breakup and people kept asking me how I was doing. Why on earth would I want to give them the real answer? Of course I simply replied, "Not too bad. How are you?" So not a lie, but nowhere near the truth.
God really convicted me of that this week and so I'm striving to do better. It's only come up a couple of times, but God has blessed me through people's reactions. They were not only supportive, but genuinely so. It was a good lift to an otherwise awful week.
So, if I see you around and ask how you are, know that I truly mean it. If you ask the same and you think I'm dodging you, please, don't let me get away with it.
And what about the way we answer the question? We know that (in most cases) the person doesn't really care, they are just trying to be polite. A few weeks ago I found out that my sister is having problems again, my aunt's breast cancer is back, God and I were fighting back and forth, and I was still dealing with emotions from my breakup and people kept asking me how I was doing. Why on earth would I want to give them the real answer? Of course I simply replied, "Not too bad. How are you?" So not a lie, but nowhere near the truth.
God really convicted me of that this week and so I'm striving to do better. It's only come up a couple of times, but God has blessed me through people's reactions. They were not only supportive, but genuinely so. It was a good lift to an otherwise awful week.
So, if I see you around and ask how you are, know that I truly mean it. If you ask the same and you think I'm dodging you, please, don't let me get away with it.
Me me me me me
Last week, a friend called me out on my selfish attitude. I smiled politely and thanked her for pointing it out, but I didn't truly believe her. I'm a server. Just ask anyone. If you need anything, I'm your man. I'll give you anything I own if it'll help you. Need money? Not a problem. And I think (at least most of the time) I truly am doing this out of humility. I've come to realize that's not the kind of selfishness she meant.
I'm selfish in my relationships with people. All people, doesn't matter who.
With my residents: I want to get to know them well. I want to hang out and have fun with them, but I want them to come to me. I told them so. I have my door open all the time so they can come in and hang out and then I get sad when they don't. But do I do anything about it? Nope. Just sit and complain about poor old me. I was talking to my boss about it and he gave me some good advice. Until they feel comfortable with you in their rooms, they are not going to come to yours. Oh, so I need to take the initiative, get out of my comfort zone, and pursue them? Great.
My friends: I want to hang out all of the time and have fun. I want to share stories with them. I want to laugh and play and cry together. Do I seek them out? Nope. (See above). I want them to know how I'm doing and respond accordingly. Do I open up with them so they know the real me? Nope. Do I share how I'm hurting and what I need prayer for? Yeah right. Do I let them know how I feel about the way they respond to me? Nuh uh. Should I expect them to be the perfect friends all on their own without me having to give anything in return? Of course not... but I do.
God: I want to serve God wholeheartedly. I want to have a great relationship with Him. I want to obey Him... but only if He gives me what I deserve. I'll follow God... if He'll make life easier for me. I'll read the bible and pray... if He'll tell me His plan for my life.
And so I've come to realize, I'm super selfish. It makes me want to vomit at times. I know that I have forgiveness in Christ and that, through God's strength, I can change, but it's not going to be easy. It's easy to change your actions, but difficult to change your heart. If you see me around, feel free to call me out: I need it.
I'm selfish in my relationships with people. All people, doesn't matter who.
With my residents: I want to get to know them well. I want to hang out and have fun with them, but I want them to come to me. I told them so. I have my door open all the time so they can come in and hang out and then I get sad when they don't. But do I do anything about it? Nope. Just sit and complain about poor old me. I was talking to my boss about it and he gave me some good advice. Until they feel comfortable with you in their rooms, they are not going to come to yours. Oh, so I need to take the initiative, get out of my comfort zone, and pursue them? Great.
My friends: I want to hang out all of the time and have fun. I want to share stories with them. I want to laugh and play and cry together. Do I seek them out? Nope. (See above). I want them to know how I'm doing and respond accordingly. Do I open up with them so they know the real me? Nope. Do I share how I'm hurting and what I need prayer for? Yeah right. Do I let them know how I feel about the way they respond to me? Nuh uh. Should I expect them to be the perfect friends all on their own without me having to give anything in return? Of course not... but I do.
God: I want to serve God wholeheartedly. I want to have a great relationship with Him. I want to obey Him... but only if He gives me what I deserve. I'll follow God... if He'll make life easier for me. I'll read the bible and pray... if He'll tell me His plan for my life.
And so I've come to realize, I'm super selfish. It makes me want to vomit at times. I know that I have forgiveness in Christ and that, through God's strength, I can change, but it's not going to be easy. It's easy to change your actions, but difficult to change your heart. If you see me around, feel free to call me out: I need it.
Patience vs. Passivity
God has been trying to teach me about patience lately. I thought I was getting the message and doing a great job of it, but several friends called me out last week and I've seen just how wrong I've been. Those of you that know me (which is all of you I suppose if you're reading this) know that I'm a doer. I like being active and doing things. I tend to have little patience for the planning stages of anything. This plays out interestingly in my relationship with God.
I truly want to follow God. I made that decision a long time ago and I mean(t) it. However, I've realized lately that I want to follow Him on my terms. I'll follow when He tells me what to do. Go on a missions trip? No problem. Be an R.A? Awesome. Help teach Sunday School? Now we're talking. So imagine my surprise when I ask, "What do you have for me now?" only to hear, "Be patient."
This is completely against my nature. "I have all of these talents and gifts and you just want me to sit here? Aren't these things all going to go to waste? Couldn't I be more useful to You by DOING something?" .... "Be patient." And even that's not so bad. It's just that God's not answering in the way I want to hear. "Be patient... I'm preparing you for something big in November." "Okay, cool. I can wait until then. Thanks God." It doesn't work out that way. I get "Be patient." No timeline. No further instructions. No insight into the plan. Just, "Patience."
So the past couple weeks I've been patient. Or so I thought. You see, patience is still action. To not act at all is to be passive or apathetic (two things I often struggle with in times of patience). Being patient means constantly asking God what His will is. More than likely, His answer will continue to be the same. However, only He knows the master schedule and when I'm going to be called into action. If I remain passive, I forget to seek His will and risk missing the call.
And so I've pledged to do better in two ways:
1. I'm going to keep pestering God. (He's not actually going to get annoyed with me, but I like the analogy). I'm going to daily, perhaps even multiple times a day, approach His throne and seek His will. But I must remember to do so quietly. God does not speak in the earthquakes or the fire, but in the still, small voice.
2. I'm going to have a better attitude about waiting. It goes against my human nature, but everything that God calls me to does. For that reason, this day (and every day hence) I will choose to be joyful in the fact that I am in God's will instead of grumbling because I'm in the dark.
Kate Cook....
Is one of the first people I knew when I came to IWU. In fact, the first thing I heard at IWU when I checked in for NSO was, "Oh, your leader is Kate Cook. She's great." There's not been a day when she hasn't lived up to the proclamation. Sadly (for me, but happily for her), she is no longer here. But, she does visit on occasion. :-)
My emotions concerning Kate have been all over the spectrum over the course of time. As a freshmen, I was in awe of my fantastic leader. This awe turned (for a short period) into a crush. That too soon passed (not because she wasn't worthy of such feelings, but because I realized I was out of my league and moved on). As I got to know Kate better, I kind of started dreading our interactions.
Kate is a very beautiful person. She radiates God's light at all times and I was often intimidated by that. Even worse, her favorite question is, "How's your heart/ what's God doing in your life?" I had never been asked that before. I was a pastor's son, of course everything with me and God was fine and dandy. Why would anyone question that? (Could you tell that I have a problem opening up sometimes?)
Luckily for me, Kate is persistent and didn't give up on me. As I've matured (and I can confidently say this has indeed happened) I've come to appreciate Kate's intentional nature. When we talk, she helps me analyze myself and my attitudes. Last time she was here, she called me out on some attitudes I had. It was tough to hear, but definitely needed.
And so my feelings for Kate have indeed come full circle. I am constantly in awe of her example of what it means to be a Christ follower. She is one of the spiritual giants in my life and for that, I am glad. I 'm constantly amazed by the people God places in our lives and thankful He deigned to put Kate in mine.
My emotions concerning Kate have been all over the spectrum over the course of time. As a freshmen, I was in awe of my fantastic leader. This awe turned (for a short period) into a crush. That too soon passed (not because she wasn't worthy of such feelings, but because I realized I was out of my league and moved on). As I got to know Kate better, I kind of started dreading our interactions.
Kate is a very beautiful person. She radiates God's light at all times and I was often intimidated by that. Even worse, her favorite question is, "How's your heart/ what's God doing in your life?" I had never been asked that before. I was a pastor's son, of course everything with me and God was fine and dandy. Why would anyone question that? (Could you tell that I have a problem opening up sometimes?)
Luckily for me, Kate is persistent and didn't give up on me. As I've matured (and I can confidently say this has indeed happened) I've come to appreciate Kate's intentional nature. When we talk, she helps me analyze myself and my attitudes. Last time she was here, she called me out on some attitudes I had. It was tough to hear, but definitely needed.
And so my feelings for Kate have indeed come full circle. I am constantly in awe of her example of what it means to be a Christ follower. She is one of the spiritual giants in my life and for that, I am glad. I 'm constantly amazed by the people God places in our lives and thankful He deigned to put Kate in mine.
Happiness/Joy, sometimes it's a choice.
Today has been the best day I've had in quite a while. I woke up on time. I showered. I went to class. I did pretty well on my quiz. Came back and thought about important things. Went to racquetball. Played well. It was a really good day. My emotions have been all over the place lately but, today, it seemed like all of that was over. And to think, it was only eleven.
And then it happened. God and life slapped me in the face. And not in a bad way at all, it was just tough and unexpected. And thus God reminded me about happiness and joy. If I'm just going to float along in life, affected by the parts of my day, I'm never going to be happy. Instead, I'm going to have to work for my joy. It's all about the attitudes we have.
The day has turned out better since then, but I had to immediately turn to God for strength. How great He is to never abandon me to my own emotions and to carry me when I can't do it myself.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Homecoming
I had a really good conversation with an alumnus today. Her name is Kate Cook. She is great. I'll give you the longer story soon. I'm just too tired right now.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Update
In the Tree post, I talked about being able to see where God is leading, what He has promised to us, but not exactly knowing how to get there. Miss Anne Johns had another great point in the comments which I would encourage you to read. But, to sum it up, sometimes it just takes patience.
I had patience illustrated to me in another way today. I was speaking with a friend and they likened patience in tough situations to the patience the Israelites had to have when they were wandering in the desert for forty years. They knew God had promised them a land of milk and honey. After only a few year (or months even) they were most likely already pretty sorry for having doubted God. They certainly had learned the lesson, yet God made them wait forty years.
Part of the reason was so HE wouldn't be a liar. But the larger reason may have been because He wanted to teach them patience. And not only that, through the time of wandering, the time of patience, He wanted them to know they needed to be fully reliant on Him. They wouldn't survive without His manna and quail. He went before them as a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire to guide them. They would have been completely lost without Him.
Application:
Sometimes God has to remove the prize from your sight so you will focus on what is truly important. With the prize so close, it is easy to forget that God (and our relationship with Him) is the most wonderful thing we could ever have. It doesn't mean God won't deliver on His promises, it just means He is going to make sure we are in the right frame of mind to receive His gifts without loosing sight of the Greatest Gift.
I had patience illustrated to me in another way today. I was speaking with a friend and they likened patience in tough situations to the patience the Israelites had to have when they were wandering in the desert for forty years. They knew God had promised them a land of milk and honey. After only a few year (or months even) they were most likely already pretty sorry for having doubted God. They certainly had learned the lesson, yet God made them wait forty years.
Part of the reason was so HE wouldn't be a liar. But the larger reason may have been because He wanted to teach them patience. And not only that, through the time of wandering, the time of patience, He wanted them to know they needed to be fully reliant on Him. They wouldn't survive without His manna and quail. He went before them as a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire to guide them. They would have been completely lost without Him.
Application:
Sometimes God has to remove the prize from your sight so you will focus on what is truly important. With the prize so close, it is easy to forget that God (and our relationship with Him) is the most wonderful thing we could ever have. It doesn't mean God won't deliver on His promises, it just means He is going to make sure we are in the right frame of mind to receive His gifts without loosing sight of the Greatest Gift.
Why does it have to be so hard?
I've talked a lot lately about patience. That's pretty much the biggest thing God has put on my mind and heart the past month. I came to the realization today that I'm really good at interpreting this, I'm really good at explaining it, but I'm super terrible at actually practicing it. I know what I'm supposed to do, I can tell you exactly why I'm supposed to do it, but I can't do it.
And it's not that I'm not trying, I am, it's just my heart isn't in it. I think the biggest reason for that is because it's not fun. It's hard. I don't like hard things. I know they are good for me, but I have a hard time looking past the inconvenience it causes me. And somehow, I'm really surprised that I was surprised by that realization.
In our culture, instant gratification is paramount. It has to feel good and it has to happen now. But I don't think that's it. If God promised He would give me a great job doing XYZ in year 20XX, I think I would be totally happy waiting, even if it were 2050. As long as I had a timeline, I would be okay. So it's not the fact that I have to wait, it's that I don't know how long I'll be waiting. That, to me, is torture.
As I was talking to Wesley today (see post below) I discovered why I might feel that way. Wes has a pretty good knowledge of the Bible (I think he's a Bib. Lit major). He shared with me that, in the Old Testament, the word patience actually means prolonged suffering. Hmm, no wonder I feel tortured. It is through the process of having patience that we become "worthy" of God's gifts for us. It's not going to be easy or fun, but it will always be worth.
Hopefully this time I won't just say it and know it, but actually live it. That's my challenge for the week.
And it's not that I'm not trying, I am, it's just my heart isn't in it. I think the biggest reason for that is because it's not fun. It's hard. I don't like hard things. I know they are good for me, but I have a hard time looking past the inconvenience it causes me. And somehow, I'm really surprised that I was surprised by that realization.
In our culture, instant gratification is paramount. It has to feel good and it has to happen now. But I don't think that's it. If God promised He would give me a great job doing XYZ in year 20XX, I think I would be totally happy waiting, even if it were 2050. As long as I had a timeline, I would be okay. So it's not the fact that I have to wait, it's that I don't know how long I'll be waiting. That, to me, is torture.
As I was talking to Wesley today (see post below) I discovered why I might feel that way. Wes has a pretty good knowledge of the Bible (I think he's a Bib. Lit major). He shared with me that, in the Old Testament, the word patience actually means prolonged suffering. Hmm, no wonder I feel tortured. It is through the process of having patience that we become "worthy" of God's gifts for us. It's not going to be easy or fun, but it will always be worth.
Hopefully this time I won't just say it and know it, but actually live it. That's my challenge for the week.
Small Group
A week or so ago I talked about friends and small group. I have been getting a lot more social time which is great, but I suppose it can still improve. I really really really like small group though. The guys are open and aren't afraid to ask really tough questions. Each week I'm amazed by the men around me. As part of the group, we are assigned an accountability partner that we "have" to meet with once a week. My partner is Wesley Stark, and he is a South Hall freshman.
When I got paired with Wes, I wasn't sure how I felt. I'm a fifth year senior. He's a freshman. What could he possibly share with me? Sure, he could check in to see if I were doing my devotions and tithing and abstain from all sexual immorality, but nearly anyone could do that. I felt like this was just going to be another mentoring relationship where I shared my five years of wisdom with him, helped answer his every problem, and shared my personal feelings when needed. He and I met for the first time today. He blew me away.
Wes is a terrific man of God. He's so on fire that it is astounding. I had to apologize for judging him based on his age. God kind of slapped me in the face with that one. As I was sharing how I was doing and what was going through my mind, he continually spoke truth into my life. Not just truth, but truth I really needed to hear in that moment. I'm super excited to keep meeting with him. I only hope I'm able to encourage and equip him as much as he's already done for me.
When I got paired with Wes, I wasn't sure how I felt. I'm a fifth year senior. He's a freshman. What could he possibly share with me? Sure, he could check in to see if I were doing my devotions and tithing and abstain from all sexual immorality, but nearly anyone could do that. I felt like this was just going to be another mentoring relationship where I shared my five years of wisdom with him, helped answer his every problem, and shared my personal feelings when needed. He and I met for the first time today. He blew me away.
Wes is a terrific man of God. He's so on fire that it is astounding. I had to apologize for judging him based on his age. God kind of slapped me in the face with that one. As I was sharing how I was doing and what was going through my mind, he continually spoke truth into my life. Not just truth, but truth I really needed to hear in that moment. I'm super excited to keep meeting with him. I only hope I'm able to encourage and equip him as much as he's already done for me.
Age
Lately I've been discovering just how old I am. Certainly my body enjoys reminding me daily. I usually ache when I get out of bed in the morning. Today I had visible knots in my back, pretty sure that's not a good thing. I've also realized I begin most of my stories with "When I was a freshmen" and proceed to talk about things and people nobody around me has any recollection of. In one sense, I am happy because I worry about immaturity sometimes and it's good to see how far I've come by reminiscing and realizing it has been a long time. On the other hand, it saddens me that I don't share as much with those around me as I used to. I feel I'm loosing touch.
I think the weirdest thing has been my stomach. I'm pretty sure it lost three sizes, kind of like Jim Carey's heart in "The Grinch". I used to be able to eat a lot, now I'm feeling sick after half a plate of food and a glass of water. Nate thinks it's because I'm depressed, which I'm not sure I agree with. It would make sense though. I think it is just my metabolism slowing down. Whatever the case, I'm having to be much more careful with what I put on my tray. I'm sure it's good for me, but it's tough to have to think about. If this is what old age is like, I don't want to have to think about it. :-S
I think the weirdest thing has been my stomach. I'm pretty sure it lost three sizes, kind of like Jim Carey's heart in "The Grinch". I used to be able to eat a lot, now I'm feeling sick after half a plate of food and a glass of water. Nate thinks it's because I'm depressed, which I'm not sure I agree with. It would make sense though. I think it is just my metabolism slowing down. Whatever the case, I'm having to be much more careful with what I put on my tray. I'm sure it's good for me, but it's tough to have to think about. If this is what old age is like, I don't want to have to think about it. :-S
Terrible Kelly Clarkson Song
So, you guys may or may not know, my eyes are usually hazel. I say usually because, on occasion, they change to a more solid color (varying between blue, green, and yellow). Each of these are associated with my mood. Blue is melancholy, green is happy, and yellow is angry. I can only recall one time that my eyes have been yellow. Generally, they are predominantly green with some blue and yellow mixed in.
With all that's been going on lately, I would expect my eyes to be pretty blue. However, as I was shaving today I took the time to stop and search my own soul (via my windows of course [a.k.a my eyes]) and, to my surprise, they were almost completely yellow. And I have no idea why. I don't think I'm angry at anyone. I've been upset with God a little lately and definitely myself, but that has never affected me this strongly before.
I think I need to take a while and evaluate how I'm really doing. Hopefully, it is just a fleeting thing. I just checked and they're returning to blue, but I really want to know where the yellow came from.
With all that's been going on lately, I would expect my eyes to be pretty blue. However, as I was shaving today I took the time to stop and search my own soul (via my windows of course [a.k.a my eyes]) and, to my surprise, they were almost completely yellow. And I have no idea why. I don't think I'm angry at anyone. I've been upset with God a little lately and definitely myself, but that has never affected me this strongly before.
I think I need to take a while and evaluate how I'm really doing. Hopefully, it is just a fleeting thing. I just checked and they're returning to blue, but I really want to know where the yellow came from.
Where have all the good times gone?
So, I just went through and counted and I'm somehow six days behind. Not sure where the time went, but I've been thinking about enough I'm sure I can fill in the void.
This year, I finally talked myself out of talking myself out of trying out for University Singers. For whatever reason, the past four years I haven't let myself do it (probably fear of rejection/failure). Anyway, I tried out and am now a tenor. It has been tons of fun. The teacher is really cooky, but I like him a lot. His teaching methods are much different than any other choir director I have sung under. He likes to just dive into the music and let us work it out as we go along. It has taken some getting used to, but I can appreciate it because I realize how much better it is making me. A lot of people don't share my optimism.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people aren't understanding of others. I think the place it comes out the most is at restaurants. People are terrible to their servers. The job is terrible enough anyway, it doesn't pay super well, and they have to deal with ungrateful people all day. One more poor attitude isn't needed. As I've been in college though, I've realized that it happens a lot with teachers as well. And usually (but not always) people's attitudes are soured because the teacher isn't using methods they are used to. Heaven forbid students would have to put forth any effort in order to learn.
I was very guilty of that my freshman year but God really convicted me at it and I've come to see it in a different light. Everyone is different. Teaching and learning styles can be highly variable as life goes on and locations are changed. College, with all of its different professors (and really, they are only professors: it's not their job to teach you, just to "profess" the information so you can process and run with it) and students is a great place to get accustomed to dealing with these differences. I just wish people would take a step back and learn to see things through the eyes of others. Our world would be a much nicer place if they did.
This year, I finally talked myself out of talking myself out of trying out for University Singers. For whatever reason, the past four years I haven't let myself do it (probably fear of rejection/failure). Anyway, I tried out and am now a tenor. It has been tons of fun. The teacher is really cooky, but I like him a lot. His teaching methods are much different than any other choir director I have sung under. He likes to just dive into the music and let us work it out as we go along. It has taken some getting used to, but I can appreciate it because I realize how much better it is making me. A lot of people don't share my optimism.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people aren't understanding of others. I think the place it comes out the most is at restaurants. People are terrible to their servers. The job is terrible enough anyway, it doesn't pay super well, and they have to deal with ungrateful people all day. One more poor attitude isn't needed. As I've been in college though, I've realized that it happens a lot with teachers as well. And usually (but not always) people's attitudes are soured because the teacher isn't using methods they are used to. Heaven forbid students would have to put forth any effort in order to learn.
I was very guilty of that my freshman year but God really convicted me at it and I've come to see it in a different light. Everyone is different. Teaching and learning styles can be highly variable as life goes on and locations are changed. College, with all of its different professors (and really, they are only professors: it's not their job to teach you, just to "profess" the information so you can process and run with it) and students is a great place to get accustomed to dealing with these differences. I just wish people would take a step back and learn to see things through the eyes of others. Our world would be a much nicer place if they did.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Without further ado....
The much anticipated tree story.
I feel like I can see where God is sending me, but I have no idea how to get there. It's like getting a Frisbee (or ball, but I like Frisbees better) stuck at the very top of a tall, spindly tree. You can see where it is, but you have no idea how to get it down. After circling the trunk for a while searching for the best approach, you decide it's time to try retrieving the disc. After several attempts, you are still at the bottom of the tree, scraped, bloody, and with a bit of a dent in your pride.
This is how I feel now. I think I know where the Frisbee is (a.k.a God's will for my life) and so I'm going after it with my strength. Not only am I no closer to my goal, I have embarrassed myself several times in the process. My options are to keeping trying on my own (and we all know how that will end up) or to stop and ask God for help.
Sometimes, God shows us the path up the tree. Sure, we're probably going to get a few more bumps and bruises on the way up, but we'll eventually be playing Frisbee with our friends once again and be stronger for the adventure. Other times, God tells us to turn around and that's when we notice the ladder that is (conveniently) the perfect height to reach our prize.
Translation:
Sometimes God wants us to endure hardships so we can mature and grow in our physical, mental, and spiritual lives. At other times, we're making things difficult for ourselves because we are relying on our own wisdom and strength to get what we want. When we take the time to ask God for help, all our problems become much simpler.
Hopefully I'll get this lesson through my head sometime soon. I'm tired of all these bumps and continually embarrassing myself.
I feel like I can see where God is sending me, but I have no idea how to get there. It's like getting a Frisbee (or ball, but I like Frisbees better) stuck at the very top of a tall, spindly tree. You can see where it is, but you have no idea how to get it down. After circling the trunk for a while searching for the best approach, you decide it's time to try retrieving the disc. After several attempts, you are still at the bottom of the tree, scraped, bloody, and with a bit of a dent in your pride.
This is how I feel now. I think I know where the Frisbee is (a.k.a God's will for my life) and so I'm going after it with my strength. Not only am I no closer to my goal, I have embarrassed myself several times in the process. My options are to keeping trying on my own (and we all know how that will end up) or to stop and ask God for help.
Sometimes, God shows us the path up the tree. Sure, we're probably going to get a few more bumps and bruises on the way up, but we'll eventually be playing Frisbee with our friends once again and be stronger for the adventure. Other times, God tells us to turn around and that's when we notice the ladder that is (conveniently) the perfect height to reach our prize.
Translation:
Sometimes God wants us to endure hardships so we can mature and grow in our physical, mental, and spiritual lives. At other times, we're making things difficult for ourselves because we are relying on our own wisdom and strength to get what we want. When we take the time to ask God for help, all our problems become much simpler.
Hopefully I'll get this lesson through my head sometime soon. I'm tired of all these bumps and continually embarrassing myself.
Facebook Grade: F
So, there's been a lot of photos going around from an application that rates your Facebook performance. Categories include number of friends, number of posts, number of videos, number of likes, etc... I refuse to use needless apps, but, if I did, I know I would be evaluated at an F. And yet, I feel this means I'm getting an A in life. As nice a tool as Facebook is, that is all it is: a tool.
Sophomore, Junior, and Senior year one, I was way too caught up in Facebook. "Stalking" my friends, playing games, staying "entertained" in class, all of these took up tons of my time. And the more time I spent on Facebook, the less I spent with my friends in real life. The more friends I had on Facebook, the less involved I was in each of their lives. That's one thing God used Emily to challenge me on. During the school year and summer, Emily contemplated getting rid of her Facebook altogether because it wasn't as meaningful an interaction with friends as she desired. She opted to keep it, but cut out a lot of friends.
I recently did the same thing. I had 556 friends; now I'm at 232. Already I've seen an improvement. Because I have less friends to follow, I am spending less time online (and I stopped all Facebook games but one). Also, when I do get on, I can more quickly see information about the people I care about most, no more must I sort through all of the posts from that creepy guy I was in a class with once in high school or that girl who feels obligated to forward an invitation for every organization that is looking for monetary assistance.
And that is not to say I don't care about the 324 people I cut. A lot of them I do like and would call friends, I just am not as involved in their lives as I am with those I've kept. I'm not saying this is for everyone, but I know it has helped me out a lot. If you have been considering it, I encourage you to try it. If you don't like it, you can always just add the people back later. What's one awkward explanation between friends?
Sophomore, Junior, and Senior year one, I was way too caught up in Facebook. "Stalking" my friends, playing games, staying "entertained" in class, all of these took up tons of my time. And the more time I spent on Facebook, the less I spent with my friends in real life. The more friends I had on Facebook, the less involved I was in each of their lives. That's one thing God used Emily to challenge me on. During the school year and summer, Emily contemplated getting rid of her Facebook altogether because it wasn't as meaningful an interaction with friends as she desired. She opted to keep it, but cut out a lot of friends.
I recently did the same thing. I had 556 friends; now I'm at 232. Already I've seen an improvement. Because I have less friends to follow, I am spending less time online (and I stopped all Facebook games but one). Also, when I do get on, I can more quickly see information about the people I care about most, no more must I sort through all of the posts from that creepy guy I was in a class with once in high school or that girl who feels obligated to forward an invitation for every organization that is looking for monetary assistance.
And that is not to say I don't care about the 324 people I cut. A lot of them I do like and would call friends, I just am not as involved in their lives as I am with those I've kept. I'm not saying this is for everyone, but I know it has helped me out a lot. If you have been considering it, I encourage you to try it. If you don't like it, you can always just add the people back later. What's one awkward explanation between friends?
Friday, September 23, 2011
Words
It's strange how much words can hurt... and help. The tongue has the power to lift and to tear down. Yet, the ability to use words (as in writing) can be calming, peaceful, a good way to vent, cathartic (as Bethany would point out). Even when not having a "fun" conversation, words can bring peace and joy. And so it is with me in this moment. :-)
P.S Congratulations to Gabe Melian and Felicia Styers on their engagement. It was great getting to see them today and just share in their joy, regardless of whatever other stresses were going on in my life. I'm glad God gave us the ability to do that.
P.S Congratulations to Gabe Melian and Felicia Styers on their engagement. It was great getting to see them today and just share in their joy, regardless of whatever other stresses were going on in my life. I'm glad God gave us the ability to do that.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Bleh
That's pretty much how I've been feeling lately and I'm not sure why. I'll have some meaningful posts coming soon, I promise.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Motivation
It's been really hard to stay motivated lately. I was pondering why that was today and I suddenly came to a conclusion. A very surprising conclusion actually. I'm not busy enough. Whenever I have a lot going on, it's easy for me to schedule it: if I don't, it won't get done. However, I have most afternoons free. This allows me to tell myself, "I have six or seven hours until bed time, I'm sure I'll do it somewhere in there." Two hours past bed time I'm saying, "Next time, I'll start way earlier and just get it out of the way." Of course, that seldom happens.
So, how do you motivate yourself without pressure? I've long ago realized that I'm a procrastinator because I need the pressure of deadlines. I put it off to the last minute because then I can work to my fullest, knowing I'm running out of time. It usually turns out fine (whatever I'm working on) but I am horribly tired afterwards, a terrible side effect.
The answer to my question? Of course it's something God's been hammering on me for the past week and a half. Self-discipline. It's not just for your spiritual life. So that's my goal for the next few weeks (and life really). Unfortunately, that doesn't save me from the hole I've dug for myself tonight... :-S
Friends
Got to go over to Kyle's today and talk. It was good. I really like him. We watched yeast activate for a while. It was lots of fun. Did you know it's super delicate, yeast that is? A difference in temperature of 20 degrees Fahrenheit is all it takes to activate yeast and kill it. Killed yeast = bad bread. But we weren't making bread. We were making Naan. Why? I don't know, but it sounded like fun.
Then we got to talk about life and school and more life. It ended with the watching of two dragons teaching Aang and Zuko how to fire-bend without using hatred. All in all, a good hang out time. Now I get to go to the store with my sister, Kelli Miller, and buy food for our event tomorrow. I'm pretty stoked. :-)
Then we got to talk about life and school and more life. It ended with the watching of two dragons teaching Aang and Zuko how to fire-bend without using hatred. All in all, a good hang out time. Now I get to go to the store with my sister, Kelli Miller, and buy food for our event tomorrow. I'm pretty stoked. :-)
Monday, September 19, 2011
Hmmmm
So, I know I wrote a post last night. It was a good one too: something about God's plan and climbing a tree. In my tired stupor I must have neglected to push publish. Or I got iprism-ed. I hate it when that happens. In either event, I will re-type it, I promise. Just not tonight. I'm feeling really strange so I'm just going to go to bed. I'll need three tomorrow to make up for it, but I'm okay with that. There's plenty going on in here to write three good (okay, maybe mediocre) posts. Stay tuned. :-)
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Further Theories on Sleep
If you are having trouble sleeping, I have compiled a list of reasons why*:
1. You are not feeling well.
2. You took too many naps during the day.
3. You haven't been awake long enough yet.
4. You had too much sugar or caffeine recently.
5. You have something on your mind that you need to work out.
6. God really wants to have a talk with you.
One is just an unfortunate circumstance. Try medicine; hopefully it will help. Two, three, and four are your own fault. Five and six are more serious. If this is the case, I suggest you do not ignore it. Getting up and spending time resolving the issue(s) will be well worth it in the end. :-)
On an unrelated note, I've been using a planner and it has been wonderful.
*This list is the express view of the Author of this post and does not reflect any actual scientific study. The list is merely suggestive and nowhere near exhaustive. Viewer's discretion is advised.
1. You are not feeling well.
2. You took too many naps during the day.
3. You haven't been awake long enough yet.
4. You had too much sugar or caffeine recently.
5. You have something on your mind that you need to work out.
6. God really wants to have a talk with you.
One is just an unfortunate circumstance. Try medicine; hopefully it will help. Two, three, and four are your own fault. Five and six are more serious. If this is the case, I suggest you do not ignore it. Getting up and spending time resolving the issue(s) will be well worth it in the end. :-)
On an unrelated note, I've been using a planner and it has been wonderful.
*This list is the express view of the Author of this post and does not reflect any actual scientific study. The list is merely suggestive and nowhere near exhaustive. Viewer's discretion is advised.
A Treatise on the Uses, Effects, and Necessity of Sleep
Sleep is an interesting thing. Oftentimes, it is easily attained. Being one of life's most basic needs, this is a good thing. There are even time when sleep confronts and overcomes a person unwittingly. And yet, at other times, sleep is a very elusive prey. Coincidentally [if you believe in coincidences that is (which I don't...)] it can be exactly at the times we most want/need sleep that it decides to play hard to get. Unfortunately, that's my life tonight.
And now, something completely unrelated except for the fact that it has to deal with sleep:
Sleep is like a bank account. Being awake is making a withdrawal and sleeping is making a deposit. When staying up late (to do homework, hang out with friends, etc...) you are withdrawing more than usual. This can be offset by sleeping in or taking a nap at some other time, thereby adding an extra deposit.
Just like money, you can go into sleep debt. Too much awake time is bad for the account balance. Another way to combat this is to take out a loan. Unfortunately, in the world of sleep, all loans are risky and high interest. These are found in the way of energy drinks, coffee, or extreme amounts of sugar. They accomplish the task of keeping you awake but they are near impossible to pay back in a timely matter and they result in a higher debt when all is said and done.
When in supreme sleep debt, you begin to be overtaken by sleep against your will. This is akin to a bookie sending his "associates" to call in your debt. In both cases, you wind up feeling terrible afterwards. Unlike in real life, there is no way to declare bankruptcy. The only thing that is close is dying, not a favorable option. On the other hand, death is said to be the "great sleep."
Moral of the story: Sleep always wins. Don't fight the inevitable.
And now, something completely unrelated except for the fact that it has to deal with sleep:
Sleep is like a bank account. Being awake is making a withdrawal and sleeping is making a deposit. When staying up late (to do homework, hang out with friends, etc...) you are withdrawing more than usual. This can be offset by sleeping in or taking a nap at some other time, thereby adding an extra deposit.
Just like money, you can go into sleep debt. Too much awake time is bad for the account balance. Another way to combat this is to take out a loan. Unfortunately, in the world of sleep, all loans are risky and high interest. These are found in the way of energy drinks, coffee, or extreme amounts of sugar. They accomplish the task of keeping you awake but they are near impossible to pay back in a timely matter and they result in a higher debt when all is said and done.
When in supreme sleep debt, you begin to be overtaken by sleep against your will. This is akin to a bookie sending his "associates" to call in your debt. In both cases, you wind up feeling terrible afterwards. Unlike in real life, there is no way to declare bankruptcy. The only thing that is close is dying, not a favorable option. On the other hand, death is said to be the "great sleep."
Moral of the story: Sleep always wins. Don't fight the inevitable.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Just Talkin'
So, a lot of my posts lately have been deep and theological and emotional. That wasn't necessarily my intention, I was just typing what was on my mind and heart. Tonight's is much more lighthearted. I've been doing a lot of growing lately which has been good. Tonight, I had conversations with two good friends and just received a lot of affirmation on my trains of thoughts, decisions I've made recently, and plans for the future. It's good to be affirmed. Friends: God's gifts to us.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Part Deux
So, has anyone else ever been sitting in a sermon (be it church, camp, or chapel) and felt like the message was directed right at them? This happened nearly every summit I went to this week. Tuesday night was especially hard hitting. I had procrastinated my homework for Math Senior Seminar all weekend, Monday, and Tuesday. I wasn't going to go to Summit because I had so much to do. And yet, through some friends, I felt convicted to go. So, I sat down after enjoying a good time of worship and began listening to the speaker. What was the first thing she began talking about? Setting aside time for God.
This is something God has been convicting me of for almost the past month. I am involved in a lot of stuff. Good, even great stuff. But all of these activities, in the "purest" or most spiritual things such as teaching Sunday School, pale in comparison to the importance of my relationship with Him. I spend all week loving and pouring out to others that, by the end of the day, I have nothing left to give anyone, even those who truly deserve it. This has been happening for years. I love pouring out to others, but I am doing so with a limited cup, one that I haven't had filled in a long time. And, not surprisingly, the cup has been very dry of late.
The speaker encouraged us to set aside time for us. We need to love others, that is one of God's greatest commandments, but we need to love Him first. And in our love for Him and others, we need to take care of ourselves, not out of selfishness, but as a function of our loves. When we seek to take care of ourselves, we need to go to God. That is all He has ever asked of us, a deep, love relationship with Him. With this relationship develops and takes hold, our cups begin to overflow and, out of love for others, we go and pour into those around us. This is done by our own strength, but by Christ in us. So, for the umpteenth time this week, God has challenged me in my relationship with Him, and I am, once again, astounded by His desire for me.
At the same time, the speaker mentioned something about us being too afraid to follow God's plan. And that's when I stopped tracking. What in the world did these two seemingly disjoint things have to do with one another? Right now, God is calling me to get an education and to serve others through Residence Life and Student Development, two things I love doing. There is no fear in my life, right?
And then I began analyzing my habits. Why do I check my email so many times a day? Why am I constantly seeing every little thing my friends are doing on Facebook? Why do I check Blogger numerous times to see if anyone's been reading my posts and commenting or sharing things about their lives on their own wall? And then I read my blog. Why have I been phrasing things the way I have? What is my underlying motivation. And then God slowly began to show me my fear.
I fear that I am alone and I am not loved. I check all of these internet tools in the hope someone will prove me wrong. So and so wrote on my wall, they must be thinking of me. A follower commented on my blog, someone does care. But most times, the exact opposite happens. So and so commented on so and so else's wall and not mine. Why aren't they thinking about me? Why does that person have so many more followers than me? Why am I constantly alone in my room while everyone else around me is having fun? Why am I not loved?
That's when I knew God had to be speaking to me. These two, seemingly disjoint messages presented in the same sermon, were actually two parts of the same coin, a coin God wanted me to inspect. I have neglected my health and well being for so long that lies were buried deeply into my heart. I forgot one of the basic truths of our world: God is Love and He is Here.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." -- Joshua 1:9
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” -- Deuteronomy 31:6
"For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16
And so I am reminded. God loves me more than I deserve or can imagine and He will never leave me alone. Because of that, I never have to be afraid.
Thought One
So, for some random reason, yesterday I was thinking about the story of Abraham and Isaac where God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son. As the story goes, Abraham goes through with God's plan (probably not very happily but completely willingly) but is stopped by an angel at the last moment. God was just testing Abraham's devotion and he passed the test. However, what if God had wanted more?
Now, God is a good and gracious god and He had promised to make the descendants of Abraham like the many stars or grains of sand. More than that, God promised to do all of this through Isaac. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a fifth year senior) to understand that no Isaac means no descendants. However, our God is also one of power.
If Abraham had completed the deed and sacrificed Isaac, that would not make God a liar. Several times in the bible, God raises the dead. Who says He could not have done the same with Isaac? What if, more than testing Abraham's devotion in the moment, God wanted to test Abraham through hard times? Certainly for me (and I'm sure this is true for others) I can do something in the moment because I know it is God's will but afterwards I get confused, angry, and frustrated with Him. What if He wanted to test Abraham for a longer period of time? Certainly explaining to his servants and wife Sarah what had happened would not have been fun. But, in that explanation, people could not question Abraham's obedience, for better or worse.
And what if, after this time of testing, God returned Isaac to his parents (which is certainly within God's power to do)? Not only would God have tested Abraham's devotion before, in, and after a hard time, but He would still be fulfilling His promises. Our God is not a liar.
So how does this apply? Sometimes I think we interpret God's actions as reneging on His promises to us. What we so clearly heard God promise us seems to be taken even as we are about to close our hands around it. Does this mean God is a liar? Of course not. I'm beginning to see it as another way God shows His love to us (tough love, my favorite...). His ways are higher than our ways and all things will happen in His time. What we see as God taking something away may actually be Him asking us to have patience. He wants to make sure we are adequately prepared for His blessings in our lives.
Remember, God wants to give good things to His children. If God makes a promise with you, He will bless you without a doubt, you just need to have patience. Sometimes God says yes right away. Yet sometimes, He asks us to wait.
Now, God is a good and gracious god and He had promised to make the descendants of Abraham like the many stars or grains of sand. More than that, God promised to do all of this through Isaac. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a fifth year senior) to understand that no Isaac means no descendants. However, our God is also one of power.
If Abraham had completed the deed and sacrificed Isaac, that would not make God a liar. Several times in the bible, God raises the dead. Who says He could not have done the same with Isaac? What if, more than testing Abraham's devotion in the moment, God wanted to test Abraham through hard times? Certainly for me (and I'm sure this is true for others) I can do something in the moment because I know it is God's will but afterwards I get confused, angry, and frustrated with Him. What if He wanted to test Abraham for a longer period of time? Certainly explaining to his servants and wife Sarah what had happened would not have been fun. But, in that explanation, people could not question Abraham's obedience, for better or worse.
And what if, after this time of testing, God returned Isaac to his parents (which is certainly within God's power to do)? Not only would God have tested Abraham's devotion before, in, and after a hard time, but He would still be fulfilling His promises. Our God is not a liar.
So how does this apply? Sometimes I think we interpret God's actions as reneging on His promises to us. What we so clearly heard God promise us seems to be taken even as we are about to close our hands around it. Does this mean God is a liar? Of course not. I'm beginning to see it as another way God shows His love to us (tough love, my favorite...). His ways are higher than our ways and all things will happen in His time. What we see as God taking something away may actually be Him asking us to have patience. He wants to make sure we are adequately prepared for His blessings in our lives.
Remember, God wants to give good things to His children. If God makes a promise with you, He will bless you without a doubt, you just need to have patience. Sometimes God says yes right away. Yet sometimes, He asks us to wait.
Loophole
So, I promised I would post before I went to bed every night. Therefore, if I don't go to bed I don't have to post... right?
Just kidding. But, I'm to tired to think straight right now so I'm going to save my post for tomorrow. It'll be double to make up for it, I promise.
Just kidding. But, I'm to tired to think straight right now so I'm going to save my post for tomorrow. It'll be double to make up for it, I promise.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Close... So very, very close...
I was literally seconds from falling asleep and I remembered my promise. I tried rationalizing not blogging, even though I promised myself I would. Eventually, I remembered one of the things God has me working on is discipline so, here I am (albeit begrudgingly).
This week is Summit week at school. This means the same speaker gives six different messages in three days. I really like our speaker this year. She is real, honest, open, engaging, and on fire with God. Tonight she shared about two tough experiences in her life this past year. One was going to Mother Theresa's "house" in Calcutta and doing nothing but laundry the whole time (while she was sick and in 120 degree weather which made the experience even worse). She could not understand why, with all of the problems going on right outside the door, God had called her to do laundry (without a machine). She felt there was so much more she could do for the people in the city, but that is not where she was being called.
The second instance was this spring. Her mother was very sick and there was nothing the doctors could do. There was nothing she could do for her mother. She fought and she argued and got angry at God, but her mother still died. And it was in those two moments she had a choice. She could become angry at God for "cheating" her and keeping her in the dark. She could become embittered by the injustices of the world. Or, she could accept God's will and seek His plan for her life, even if she did not know what it was. She chose the latter and I hope and pray, when faced with a similar choice, I will be able to do the same. She had a quote tonight I really liked so that is what I will leave you with.
In the midst of these two events, this was her decision:
This week is Summit week at school. This means the same speaker gives six different messages in three days. I really like our speaker this year. She is real, honest, open, engaging, and on fire with God. Tonight she shared about two tough experiences in her life this past year. One was going to Mother Theresa's "house" in Calcutta and doing nothing but laundry the whole time (while she was sick and in 120 degree weather which made the experience even worse). She could not understand why, with all of the problems going on right outside the door, God had called her to do laundry (without a machine). She felt there was so much more she could do for the people in the city, but that is not where she was being called.
The second instance was this spring. Her mother was very sick and there was nothing the doctors could do. There was nothing she could do for her mother. She fought and she argued and got angry at God, but her mother still died. And it was in those two moments she had a choice. She could become angry at God for "cheating" her and keeping her in the dark. She could become embittered by the injustices of the world. Or, she could accept God's will and seek His plan for her life, even if she did not know what it was. She chose the latter and I hope and pray, when faced with a similar choice, I will be able to do the same. She had a quote tonight I really liked so that is what I will leave you with.
In the midst of these two events, this was her decision:
"You are God. I am not. You know Your plans for me. I don't. But I'll choose to follow you anyway, for Your ways are higher than my ways."
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Lesson from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World Self-respect > Love (Just read the post and it'll make more sense)
So lately I've been thinking a lot about change and what motivates us to do so. Often times, change is prompted in part by those we love. And this is a perfectly natural and healthy thing. In dating and marriage, each person needs to make concessions to the other, to make changes for the good of the relationship as a whole. And yet, I feel these aren't the best kind of changes that can be made.
I know that there are a lot of changes in my life that need to be made and I can approach them from two different angles. The first angle is to prove to someone, be it my friends or my ex-girlfriends or my family or my boss, that I can be better. And, again, this isn't necessarily bad. However, the problem is that I'm not taking ownership of the change. I'm only changing to gain something (love, approval, respect, etc...) from those around me. For too long this is how I have viewed change.
The second angle, the one I am now starting to take (only with the grace of and strength from God), is to change for myself. I want to change so I can be better. I want to grow closer to Him because I know I need to and, more importantly, I know that's what he is calling me to. I have had to remind myself several times the past two days that I can't make the changes. No matter how hard I try, I can't make myself the perfect man. It requires me going to God daily to be filled, listening to His voice, and following where He leads me.
So yes, I will be changing because I think the people in my life deserve more. I want to give a girlfriend all that she deserves. I want deep, meaningful friendships with people. I want to give my best at everything I do. And that's going to take growth and change. However, I'm not doing it for those reasons. These things are all great reminders and they certainly give me strength to persevere. However, I'm changing for me. Because I hear God's calling in my life and I certainly never want to let Him down.
I know that there are a lot of changes in my life that need to be made and I can approach them from two different angles. The first angle is to prove to someone, be it my friends or my ex-girlfriends or my family or my boss, that I can be better. And, again, this isn't necessarily bad. However, the problem is that I'm not taking ownership of the change. I'm only changing to gain something (love, approval, respect, etc...) from those around me. For too long this is how I have viewed change.
The second angle, the one I am now starting to take (only with the grace of and strength from God), is to change for myself. I want to change so I can be better. I want to grow closer to Him because I know I need to and, more importantly, I know that's what he is calling me to. I have had to remind myself several times the past two days that I can't make the changes. No matter how hard I try, I can't make myself the perfect man. It requires me going to God daily to be filled, listening to His voice, and following where He leads me.
So yes, I will be changing because I think the people in my life deserve more. I want to give a girlfriend all that she deserves. I want deep, meaningful friendships with people. I want to give my best at everything I do. And that's going to take growth and change. However, I'm not doing it for those reasons. These things are all great reminders and they certainly give me strength to persevere. However, I'm changing for me. Because I hear God's calling in my life and I certainly never want to let Him down.
Last one for the night, I promise.... Well, if insomnia lets me go to sleep I suppose.
I got an unexpected gift from God today. The past two days I have been on duty. This means I am "trapped" in my dorm from 7 p.m to 7 a.m. During that time, I go around talking with people and just hanging out. This weekend the dorm was surprisingly empty. I spent most of my time in my room. Alone. It was good in the sense that I got to practice a lot of guitar (about three hours) and finished some homework, but the extrovert side of me was not very happy.
I really needed quality time with someone. My friends all had plans. Plans that didn't involve staying in South Hall, thereby excluding me (albeit not purposefully). So at 6 p.m I decided it would probably be a good idea to eat something. I went to the student center and the line for Mario's was ridiculously long and Wildcat was already closed. I decided to try to make it to Baldwin but no such luck there either. I decided just to head back to South and eat a wonderful meal of Ramen. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw someone who I knew so I turned to look. At the same time, Andrew Hanna turned to look at me.
Andrew and I worked together as R.A's last year. He is a really solid Christian guy and I really like him a lot. I didn't allow myself to get close to him last year which I regret, but I had seen him earlier in the semester and had a desire to sit and talk with him at some point. He was in the same boat I was on the food situation so he invited me to dinner at Mario's with him. While in line, we got to talk about our summers and how the semester is shaping up as far as classes go. Then I got to hear about his relationship and it was exciting but definitely struck a chord.
We sat and talked for an hour and I got to share the current events in my life, how God is working in me, and what I have been struggling with recently. All in all, it was a great heart to heart and just what I needed (even though I didn't know it's what I needed until afterwards). To top it all off, Andrew invited me to join a small group bible study that he attends/runs. I'm super excited about it and feel God is going to use it to do great things in my life. As I was thinking about this, a passage came to mind. I'll leave it as my parting thought for the night.
Matthew 7:11 "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him?" (And even when we don't ask Him!)
I really needed quality time with someone. My friends all had plans. Plans that didn't involve staying in South Hall, thereby excluding me (albeit not purposefully). So at 6 p.m I decided it would probably be a good idea to eat something. I went to the student center and the line for Mario's was ridiculously long and Wildcat was already closed. I decided to try to make it to Baldwin but no such luck there either. I decided just to head back to South and eat a wonderful meal of Ramen. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw someone who I knew so I turned to look. At the same time, Andrew Hanna turned to look at me.
Andrew and I worked together as R.A's last year. He is a really solid Christian guy and I really like him a lot. I didn't allow myself to get close to him last year which I regret, but I had seen him earlier in the semester and had a desire to sit and talk with him at some point. He was in the same boat I was on the food situation so he invited me to dinner at Mario's with him. While in line, we got to talk about our summers and how the semester is shaping up as far as classes go. Then I got to hear about his relationship and it was exciting but definitely struck a chord.
We sat and talked for an hour and I got to share the current events in my life, how God is working in me, and what I have been struggling with recently. All in all, it was a great heart to heart and just what I needed (even though I didn't know it's what I needed until afterwards). To top it all off, Andrew invited me to join a small group bible study that he attends/runs. I'm super excited about it and feel God is going to use it to do great things in my life. As I was thinking about this, a passage came to mind. I'll leave it as my parting thought for the night.
Matthew 7:11 "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him?" (And even when we don't ask Him!)
I'm as open as a clam making a pearl.
Friends. That word can mean a lot. I have always struggled with friends. Two of my strengths on the StrengthsQuest test are Includer and Connectedness. I like seeing how things can connect and using those connections to include all those around me in whatever I'm doing. These traits have allowed me to fit in with almost anyone around. In high school I was a "member" of all of the stereotypical groups: jocks, geeks, nerds, outcasts, Church kids, I fit into all of them. This is both a good and a bad thing. I'm able to identify with almost anyone, however, this strength can also be a weakness.
Because I can fit in almost anywhere, I cannot become as strongly connected with people. Think about it. If you are a jock and nothing but a jock, the only people you can hang out with are other jocks. Therefore, you're going to spend a lot of time with and grow very close to all of the other jocks. I on the other hand, will spend some time with the jocks, some with the nerds, etc.. I often feel both comfortable in a group and an outsider at the same time. Kind of the "lonely in a crowd of people" concept. And that is a tough place to be.
There are people I would consider my closest friends. However, I doubt they would say the same about me. Sure, I'm a friend, perhaps even a good friend, but they are much closer to others than with me. And yet, I cannot fault them for that. I am bad at opening up and sharing myself with others. Often times, this holds them at a distance. So is it their "fault" they're not closer to me or have I been sending signals that I don't want to get any closer?
And suddenly another thought came to my mind. What if this is the very reason I skip around between groups so much? Perhaps I fear getting close to others so I become surface friends with everyone which allows me the freedom to hang out, have fun, skip around, and avoid showing the ugliness that is my human failures. Hmmm... Something to think about indeed.
Because I can fit in almost anywhere, I cannot become as strongly connected with people. Think about it. If you are a jock and nothing but a jock, the only people you can hang out with are other jocks. Therefore, you're going to spend a lot of time with and grow very close to all of the other jocks. I on the other hand, will spend some time with the jocks, some with the nerds, etc.. I often feel both comfortable in a group and an outsider at the same time. Kind of the "lonely in a crowd of people" concept. And that is a tough place to be.
There are people I would consider my closest friends. However, I doubt they would say the same about me. Sure, I'm a friend, perhaps even a good friend, but they are much closer to others than with me. And yet, I cannot fault them for that. I am bad at opening up and sharing myself with others. Often times, this holds them at a distance. So is it their "fault" they're not closer to me or have I been sending signals that I don't want to get any closer?
And suddenly another thought came to my mind. What if this is the very reason I skip around between groups so much? Perhaps I fear getting close to others so I become surface friends with everyone which allows me the freedom to hang out, have fun, skip around, and avoid showing the ugliness that is my human failures. Hmmm... Something to think about indeed.
Remember that game we used to play when we were kids?
Life has changed a lot lately. Work and school have started. Friends and residents have returned. I have a lot more responsibility now than I did this summer. However, it is something I enjoy and so I draw energy from it. However, change is always draining on a person.
The biggest change is that I am no longer in a relationship. It's been hard to deal with at times: God and I have had a lot of arguments lately, but I can see Him at work. He keeps showing me how much He knows and cares about me. I think I have everything figured out only to have the rug pulled out from under me. Suddenly things that were all but certain are shaky at best. It's not a lot of fun but, then again, growth seldom is.
Being single again has caused me to reflect a lot on the past five months. They were, without a doubt, the best five months of my life. Emily is a terrific woman of God and she taught me a lot about God, being in a healthy, Christian relationship, and life in general. I cannot thank God enough for what I learned from our relationship. However, looking back I can see some things that should not have been.
When I ended my second relationship, I knew God was calling me to be single so I could work on myself. I needed to learn more and grow more before I was ready to be in a relationship. When I was thinking of asking Emily out, I was very unsure of myself. It had been less than six months. Was that enough time to grow? How would I know if I was ready? I spent a lot of time in prayer and I felt God saying, "You're ready. Believe in yourself." His time frame is never the same as ours. Feeling better, I continued my pursuit and began my fantastic relationship with Emily.
And therein lay my folly. I saw the relationship as the end goal. God led me into a relationship, therefore I was done growing. But that's just it, the relationship wasn't meant to be the end, just a marker along the way. It's one thing to study something and another to put the knowledge into practice. I can read about surgeries all day. However, that knowledge will do me little good unless I put it into practice in the operating room. Coming back to dating, "practicing" for dating isn't as helpful as actually working within a relationship.
And that's not to say I stopped growing completely. A lot of things in my life changed during the past five months, good and wonderful things. However, they were just a byproduct of the relationship, not intentionally gained growth. I was just on cruise control, happy with where I was. That's why it was very hard to deal with the break up. "God, I thought you said I was ready. Now you're telling me I'm not? What happened? I know I've grown so how could I have been ready then and now I'm not?". Sometimes I feel like the slowest learner in the world. God must be playing a cosmic game of whack-a-mole with my arguments and excuses, bopping down one after the other in the seemingly endless stream running from my head.
It's only taken me two weeks, but I'm beginning to see where He's leading me. I've definitely come back to a daily dependence on Him: not on my girlfriend, not on my friends, not even on myself, but on the One who's strength is never failing. He builds me up each day and gives me what I need. Not what I want or even think I need, but what He knows I NEED.
And this has been my prayer: "Lord, today, please give me the patience to listen and wait for You, the wisdom to discern what it is You are telling me, and the strength and conviction necessary to carry out Your will for my life.
The biggest change is that I am no longer in a relationship. It's been hard to deal with at times: God and I have had a lot of arguments lately, but I can see Him at work. He keeps showing me how much He knows and cares about me. I think I have everything figured out only to have the rug pulled out from under me. Suddenly things that were all but certain are shaky at best. It's not a lot of fun but, then again, growth seldom is.
Being single again has caused me to reflect a lot on the past five months. They were, without a doubt, the best five months of my life. Emily is a terrific woman of God and she taught me a lot about God, being in a healthy, Christian relationship, and life in general. I cannot thank God enough for what I learned from our relationship. However, looking back I can see some things that should not have been.
When I ended my second relationship, I knew God was calling me to be single so I could work on myself. I needed to learn more and grow more before I was ready to be in a relationship. When I was thinking of asking Emily out, I was very unsure of myself. It had been less than six months. Was that enough time to grow? How would I know if I was ready? I spent a lot of time in prayer and I felt God saying, "You're ready. Believe in yourself." His time frame is never the same as ours. Feeling better, I continued my pursuit and began my fantastic relationship with Emily.
And therein lay my folly. I saw the relationship as the end goal. God led me into a relationship, therefore I was done growing. But that's just it, the relationship wasn't meant to be the end, just a marker along the way. It's one thing to study something and another to put the knowledge into practice. I can read about surgeries all day. However, that knowledge will do me little good unless I put it into practice in the operating room. Coming back to dating, "practicing" for dating isn't as helpful as actually working within a relationship.
And that's not to say I stopped growing completely. A lot of things in my life changed during the past five months, good and wonderful things. However, they were just a byproduct of the relationship, not intentionally gained growth. I was just on cruise control, happy with where I was. That's why it was very hard to deal with the break up. "God, I thought you said I was ready. Now you're telling me I'm not? What happened? I know I've grown so how could I have been ready then and now I'm not?". Sometimes I feel like the slowest learner in the world. God must be playing a cosmic game of whack-a-mole with my arguments and excuses, bopping down one after the other in the seemingly endless stream running from my head.
It's only taken me two weeks, but I'm beginning to see where He's leading me. I've definitely come back to a daily dependence on Him: not on my girlfriend, not on my friends, not even on myself, but on the One who's strength is never failing. He builds me up each day and gives me what I need. Not what I want or even think I need, but what He knows I NEED.
And this has been my prayer: "Lord, today, please give me the patience to listen and wait for You, the wisdom to discern what it is You are telling me, and the strength and conviction necessary to carry out Your will for my life.
I know what I want... right?
Around the fourth of July, a lot of people from work were planning on going to a firework show somewhere (there were several around the Marion area to choose from). We talked about it during meals and we all expressed how excited we were to go. Come the night of the festivities, one of my friends who was supposed to be on call (a.k.a wasn't allowed to be more than five minutes from campus) asked if I would cover for them so they could go watch fireworks. I was a little upset for two reasons:
1. No one had invited me to go.
2. She knew how much I wanted to go and she still asked me to stay behind.
I am not one to tell people no so I begrudgingly agreed. Part of the reason was because Emily wasn't able to go because she had family coming so we were going to go out with them. After dinner, I was planning on just hanging out with Emily and watching a movie or something. However, I got a call from work saying they needed extra people to come in and drive golf carts (see post below). So, not only did I not get to see fireworks, I didn't get to hang out with Emily either AND I didn't have a working phone so I couldn't even text Emily while I was waiting for passengers.
Needless to say, I was frustrated and in a terrible mood. The night proved to be a lot of waiting around; not many people were out and about because it was supposed to storm. The lack of passengers gave me time to sit and think and voice my frustrations to God. I was feeling better after a while, but still upset about the fireworks. Then the storm started. There wasn't much rain, but the lightening was spectacular. I have never seen such big, bright, and beautiful lightening in my life.
I thought I knew what I wanted: time with friends and pretty fireworks. Instead I got time to reflect and a my own lightening show. God knew what my soul needed, even when I didn't. I was asking for bread, and, in return, God gave me a steak.
1. No one had invited me to go.
2. She knew how much I wanted to go and she still asked me to stay behind.
I am not one to tell people no so I begrudgingly agreed. Part of the reason was because Emily wasn't able to go because she had family coming so we were going to go out with them. After dinner, I was planning on just hanging out with Emily and watching a movie or something. However, I got a call from work saying they needed extra people to come in and drive golf carts (see post below). So, not only did I not get to see fireworks, I didn't get to hang out with Emily either AND I didn't have a working phone so I couldn't even text Emily while I was waiting for passengers.
Needless to say, I was frustrated and in a terrible mood. The night proved to be a lot of waiting around; not many people were out and about because it was supposed to storm. The lack of passengers gave me time to sit and think and voice my frustrations to God. I was feeling better after a while, but still upset about the fireworks. Then the storm started. There wasn't much rain, but the lightening was spectacular. I have never seen such big, bright, and beautiful lightening in my life.
I thought I knew what I wanted: time with friends and pretty fireworks. Instead I got time to reflect and a my own lightening show. God knew what my soul needed, even when I didn't. I was asking for bread, and, in return, God gave me a steak.
Cultures
During this summer on Conference Services staff, we had a lot of interesting groups come in. One of my favorites was the Indian Brethren Fellowship. For some reason, Indian Brethren made me think Native American (or First People or whatever the politically correct term is nowadays). I was surprised indeed to walk into Baldwin amidst a sea of sarees.
All pre-conceived notions aside though, this was one of my favorite weeks. First of all, we got to use golf carts to shuttle them around. I love driving golf carts (brings back lots of good high school memories on the golf course with my best friends and my father). Secondly, I got to have a lot of interesting conversations with them. They all loved the fact that I was majoring in mathematics and computer software (go figure..... :-) ).
I was also witnessed to several times because the people "just wanted to make sure" everyone around them knew about Jesus. At night, they would all sit together and just exchange stories about their lives over the past year and how God had been working. We had to kick them out of the student Center every night.
This aspect of their culture is something I wish ours had. It seems to me that we are way to busy. Sitting is seen as being lazy or boring. We need to be doing something in order to be having a "good" or "successful" day. We forget the importance of the people in our lives and begin to focus on the things. God definitely used this group to challenge how I interacted with those around me and reevaluate where I focus my energy and attention.
All pre-conceived notions aside though, this was one of my favorite weeks. First of all, we got to use golf carts to shuttle them around. I love driving golf carts (brings back lots of good high school memories on the golf course with my best friends and my father). Secondly, I got to have a lot of interesting conversations with them. They all loved the fact that I was majoring in mathematics and computer software (go figure..... :-) ).
I was also witnessed to several times because the people "just wanted to make sure" everyone around them knew about Jesus. At night, they would all sit together and just exchange stories about their lives over the past year and how God had been working. We had to kick them out of the student Center every night.
This aspect of their culture is something I wish ours had. It seems to me that we are way to busy. Sitting is seen as being lazy or boring. We need to be doing something in order to be having a "good" or "successful" day. We forget the importance of the people in our lives and begin to focus on the things. God definitely used this group to challenge how I interacted with those around me and reevaluate where I focus my energy and attention.
Blogging
So, it's been 70 days since I last posted. I am amazed to see how difficult it is to actually keep a steady stream of posts going. Blogging, in and of itself, is relatively easy. All one must needs do is type out their thoughts. However, no matter how many times I think, "I should really blog about this.", it never seems to make it up here. I think having a significant other can contribute to lack of blogging for anyone. Part of the purpose of a blog is to talk through things you have been thinking about. If you are dating or married to someone, you are already talking about the things you are thinking and, better yet, you are getting feedback from someone who cares about you.
All that aside though, I think it is still a good idea to work through your own thoughts. So, I am challenging myself to blog every night before bed. I'm not sure how long I want this to last for, but I know it will be helpful in any event. I have three or four more for tonight (two of which I have wanted to blog about since my last posts) and I hope they'll make up for my long absence. Please enjoy. Or don't. It's up to you really. I would like to think I'm not boring you all though. :-)
All that aside though, I think it is still a good idea to work through your own thoughts. So, I am challenging myself to blog every night before bed. I'm not sure how long I want this to last for, but I know it will be helpful in any event. I have three or four more for tonight (two of which I have wanted to blog about since my last posts) and I hope they'll make up for my long absence. Please enjoy. Or don't. It's up to you really. I would like to think I'm not boring you all though. :-)
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Matty
I am the third of four children in my family. I have an older brother and sister (Michael and Meghan) and a younger sister (Matricia A.K.A Matty). We get along well I suppose, but we aren't that close as a family. There's a lot more behind this than I feel like typing out or putting on the web (ask me if you want to know and I'll happily tell you, just not on here), but suffice it to say we may love each other, but we don't always like each other.
Matty has been the most interesting of the bunch. Mom says that when we were little, I tried to be Matty's best friend. One day, I was trying to be helpful and Matty started crying and told me to go away. Mom says I have teased her ever since. Whatever the reason, I'm not the big brother I should be for Matty.
Matty has had an interesting life the past few years. All of us kids have ADD or ADHD in one capacity or another. Matty can't put things together. All of her actions are disjoint. For this reason, she isn't to happy with my mother (who is the disciplinarian in the family). Matty doesn't understand that her actions have consequences; all she knows is Mom is grounding her for something and it's just not fair.
Matty is also the youngest child, so she has a lot to live up to. We live in a small town and the teachers have (almost) all been there forever and so had us older three in class. Michael was good at sports. Meghan was smart (although lazy and often didn't turn in assignments) and musical. I am probably (in all reality) the smartest and most athletic of my family. I am also fairly musical (Meghan was accepted into the IWU chorale and was going to major in music before she decided to get married and have children instead....) and outgoing. In Matty's eyes (and in her own words) I'm "the perfect older brother who I have to try to live up to. It's just not fair." I also get along much better with my mother and father than she does which reinforces the idea that I'm their favorite in her mind. It's an interesting relationship.
Needless to say, Matty and I aren't on the best of terms. About a year and a half ago, a guy who was dating one of her friends broke up with her. A little later, he said he liked Matty and they started dating. The first girl got mad and started spreading rumors about Matty and then everything just blew up. Matty lost most of her friends. This would be hard on anyone, but Matty isn't as mature as most people her age (a combination of being the youngest child, ADD, and possibly being bipolar) and so she didn't know how to handle it. She made some bad decisions and she's had to pay for them.
She and this boy have been on and off several times. (They're off now and I pray it stays that way). He is not nice to her and their relationship (or whatever they have) is unhealthy. It's hard to see it happening and not be able to do anything. What are you supposed to tell an 18 year old who's "hopelessly in love"? And she's not a logical thinker at all which makes it hard for me to communicate.
I've been feeling convicted about my relationships with my siblings for a while and I've been trying to work through them, but I don't know what to do when I'm so far away. Matty has been accepted to IWU, but can't possibly get the money to come. She's planning on attending a community college near home. I think being away from high school and most of her classmates will be good for her, but I don't think it will be enough. The college environment is better than at home, but it's still not what she needs. Matty needs to be in a safe Christain community. She needs to be surrounded by young women who care about her and invest in her life. She needs someone to loving but clearly tell her she needs to grow up and start facing reality. She needs somewhere she can be a part of; to have friends but also be able to contribute to the group.
In short, IWU would be great for her. It's a real bummer she can't come. I'm not sure how I felt about it (I always have trouble sorting through emotions) but I think I was excited about her possibly coming here. It would give me another chance to be the big brother I'm not. Now that the opportunity is passed, I'm not sure how to proceed. I do plan on continuing to pursue this issue, I'm just not entirely sure how....
Matty has been the most interesting of the bunch. Mom says that when we were little, I tried to be Matty's best friend. One day, I was trying to be helpful and Matty started crying and told me to go away. Mom says I have teased her ever since. Whatever the reason, I'm not the big brother I should be for Matty.
Matty has had an interesting life the past few years. All of us kids have ADD or ADHD in one capacity or another. Matty can't put things together. All of her actions are disjoint. For this reason, she isn't to happy with my mother (who is the disciplinarian in the family). Matty doesn't understand that her actions have consequences; all she knows is Mom is grounding her for something and it's just not fair.
Matty is also the youngest child, so she has a lot to live up to. We live in a small town and the teachers have (almost) all been there forever and so had us older three in class. Michael was good at sports. Meghan was smart (although lazy and often didn't turn in assignments) and musical. I am probably (in all reality) the smartest and most athletic of my family. I am also fairly musical (Meghan was accepted into the IWU chorale and was going to major in music before she decided to get married and have children instead....) and outgoing. In Matty's eyes (and in her own words) I'm "the perfect older brother who I have to try to live up to. It's just not fair." I also get along much better with my mother and father than she does which reinforces the idea that I'm their favorite in her mind. It's an interesting relationship.
Needless to say, Matty and I aren't on the best of terms. About a year and a half ago, a guy who was dating one of her friends broke up with her. A little later, he said he liked Matty and they started dating. The first girl got mad and started spreading rumors about Matty and then everything just blew up. Matty lost most of her friends. This would be hard on anyone, but Matty isn't as mature as most people her age (a combination of being the youngest child, ADD, and possibly being bipolar) and so she didn't know how to handle it. She made some bad decisions and she's had to pay for them.
She and this boy have been on and off several times. (They're off now and I pray it stays that way). He is not nice to her and their relationship (or whatever they have) is unhealthy. It's hard to see it happening and not be able to do anything. What are you supposed to tell an 18 year old who's "hopelessly in love"? And she's not a logical thinker at all which makes it hard for me to communicate.
I've been feeling convicted about my relationships with my siblings for a while and I've been trying to work through them, but I don't know what to do when I'm so far away. Matty has been accepted to IWU, but can't possibly get the money to come. She's planning on attending a community college near home. I think being away from high school and most of her classmates will be good for her, but I don't think it will be enough. The college environment is better than at home, but it's still not what she needs. Matty needs to be in a safe Christain community. She needs to be surrounded by young women who care about her and invest in her life. She needs someone to loving but clearly tell her she needs to grow up and start facing reality. She needs somewhere she can be a part of; to have friends but also be able to contribute to the group.
In short, IWU would be great for her. It's a real bummer she can't come. I'm not sure how I felt about it (I always have trouble sorting through emotions) but I think I was excited about her possibly coming here. It would give me another chance to be the big brother I'm not. Now that the opportunity is passed, I'm not sure how to proceed. I do plan on continuing to pursue this issue, I'm just not entirely sure how....
Catch Up
So, May Term has come and gone. It was a good time of sleeping, hanging out, playing Frisbee, and going to class (occasionally). I took Fine Arts and it was pretty much a breeze. I ended up with a B in the class because I forgot to turn in my final assignment worth 25% of my grade. I hadn't missed any points up until then. I even had the paper done. I just forgot to submit it.
My dating relationship continued to grow in a healthy manner. Emily and I went down to see her grandmother, mother, and her oldest younger sister in St. Louis, Missouri. It was fun going back there and recognizing places from Spring Break. I met her family and they're great. I had met her sister once before and had been emailing her mother for a few weeks at this point so we knew of each other, but it was good to get to spend a few days in the same house observing them. I learn a lot more about people by watching them interact with others than I do by talking to them. It was fun seeing how Emily's family interacts and how much they all love each other. Emily and her mother are very similar and so the weekend was a great insight into Emily's background and explained a lot about why she acts the way she does.
Emily and her sister, on the other hand, are very opposite. It was interesting seeing them that week. Her sister has/had been dealing with some things and so Emily was unsure how the weekend would go. When we got there, we were pleased to see Leah was doing much better and the days passed without any major incidents. It was a relaxing weekend and I was able to bond with Emily and her family more. I liked it a lot.
Then we drove to my house for my little sister's graduation. That was a treat... We left IWU at 3:30 p.m on Friday. We got to my house at 5 a.m on Saturday (that's with a two hour time change so it felt like 7). We were awakened at 7:30 a.m to the sound of three of my six nieces and nephews running around the house. My dad's two sisters were down along with grandma, and my eldest cousin who has four young kids. My older brother came over later with his kids which made the house all of my immediate family + the inlaws + two of three aunts on my dads side + grandma + Emily and I. It was interesting.
Graduation was at 2 p.m. We stayed for the reception and Emily got to meet four of my closest friends from back home. She tried to get some dirt on me from them but failed miserably. :-) We left the reception at 6 p.m on Saturday, got back to Marion at 4 p.m on Sunday, showered, changed, and got to a wedding by 5:30 p.m. It was a good weekend and a lot of growth took place, but it was exhausting. Emily got to see me with my family and she fit in well, despite the craziness, overwhelming number of relatives, and little amount of sleep. My parents came up and visited last week, but more on the in a later post.
Since then, life's been mostly work. I'm not the most excited about my job, but I don't hate it either. If I picked a job on campus to do for fun, I would definitely work grounds. However, Matthew needs money and Conference Services pays better.... I do get to spend time life guarding which I enjoy a lot, but some days I'm stressed by work. It's not that it's hard work, quite the opposite. It seems our coordinators are always scatterbrained. This is partially because of their personalities, but also just the nature of the job. Whatever the reason, this unpreparedness makes it hard to have a full work schedule prepared at the beginning of the day. This means we spend a lot of time sitting around waiting for a new assignment.
I don't like sitting around. Especially when I'm being paid to do it. When I'm at work, I'm in work mode. I want to be working. Sitting around throws off my "plan" and that makes me stressed and frustrated. I know why things are the way the are, but I wish they could change. It's something I'm still working through.
Emily and I are still dating and that makes me happy. It's been good continuing to grow and experience a relationship with her. I got to meet more of her family last night, an aunt and an uncle. It's great seeing how she interacts with them and how much they care about her. We only got to have dinner together (Applebee's :-) ) but I really like them. Her uncle is a football coach and played Rugby for a few years. We got along great. He's also got a nice sense of humor which doesn't hurt.
Emily and I are also serving at church. We both go to the River and we decided to help with the children this summer. It's been a lot of fun, I really like the kids, but I feel something is missing. I definitely miss worshiping in the main room and getting to hear a sermon every week. I try to listen to something recorded during the week, but it's just not the same. The material is also strange. I think it is good and the kids definitely have fun, but I don't think it's as deeply rooted in Scripture as they need right now. Maybe it's just me comparing it to my upbringing, but I come out of there every week feeling a little.... un-contented I think would be the word.... with the day. Not quite sure how to address this yet. Still working on it.
Hmm... I think that catches up the summer nicely. There will be more posts, but I'm happy with this for now.
My dating relationship continued to grow in a healthy manner. Emily and I went down to see her grandmother, mother, and her oldest younger sister in St. Louis, Missouri. It was fun going back there and recognizing places from Spring Break. I met her family and they're great. I had met her sister once before and had been emailing her mother for a few weeks at this point so we knew of each other, but it was good to get to spend a few days in the same house observing them. I learn a lot more about people by watching them interact with others than I do by talking to them. It was fun seeing how Emily's family interacts and how much they all love each other. Emily and her mother are very similar and so the weekend was a great insight into Emily's background and explained a lot about why she acts the way she does.
Emily and her sister, on the other hand, are very opposite. It was interesting seeing them that week. Her sister has/had been dealing with some things and so Emily was unsure how the weekend would go. When we got there, we were pleased to see Leah was doing much better and the days passed without any major incidents. It was a relaxing weekend and I was able to bond with Emily and her family more. I liked it a lot.
Then we drove to my house for my little sister's graduation. That was a treat... We left IWU at 3:30 p.m on Friday. We got to my house at 5 a.m on Saturday (that's with a two hour time change so it felt like 7). We were awakened at 7:30 a.m to the sound of three of my six nieces and nephews running around the house. My dad's two sisters were down along with grandma, and my eldest cousin who has four young kids. My older brother came over later with his kids which made the house all of my immediate family + the inlaws + two of three aunts on my dads side + grandma + Emily and I. It was interesting.
Graduation was at 2 p.m. We stayed for the reception and Emily got to meet four of my closest friends from back home. She tried to get some dirt on me from them but failed miserably. :-) We left the reception at 6 p.m on Saturday, got back to Marion at 4 p.m on Sunday, showered, changed, and got to a wedding by 5:30 p.m. It was a good weekend and a lot of growth took place, but it was exhausting. Emily got to see me with my family and she fit in well, despite the craziness, overwhelming number of relatives, and little amount of sleep. My parents came up and visited last week, but more on the in a later post.
Since then, life's been mostly work. I'm not the most excited about my job, but I don't hate it either. If I picked a job on campus to do for fun, I would definitely work grounds. However, Matthew needs money and Conference Services pays better.... I do get to spend time life guarding which I enjoy a lot, but some days I'm stressed by work. It's not that it's hard work, quite the opposite. It seems our coordinators are always scatterbrained. This is partially because of their personalities, but also just the nature of the job. Whatever the reason, this unpreparedness makes it hard to have a full work schedule prepared at the beginning of the day. This means we spend a lot of time sitting around waiting for a new assignment.
I don't like sitting around. Especially when I'm being paid to do it. When I'm at work, I'm in work mode. I want to be working. Sitting around throws off my "plan" and that makes me stressed and frustrated. I know why things are the way the are, but I wish they could change. It's something I'm still working through.
Emily and I are still dating and that makes me happy. It's been good continuing to grow and experience a relationship with her. I got to meet more of her family last night, an aunt and an uncle. It's great seeing how she interacts with them and how much they care about her. We only got to have dinner together (Applebee's :-) ) but I really like them. Her uncle is a football coach and played Rugby for a few years. We got along great. He's also got a nice sense of humor which doesn't hurt.
Emily and I are also serving at church. We both go to the River and we decided to help with the children this summer. It's been a lot of fun, I really like the kids, but I feel something is missing. I definitely miss worshiping in the main room and getting to hear a sermon every week. I try to listen to something recorded during the week, but it's just not the same. The material is also strange. I think it is good and the kids definitely have fun, but I don't think it's as deeply rooted in Scripture as they need right now. Maybe it's just me comparing it to my upbringing, but I come out of there every week feeling a little.... un-contented I think would be the word.... with the day. Not quite sure how to address this yet. Still working on it.
Hmm... I think that catches up the summer nicely. There will be more posts, but I'm happy with this for now.
Gobbledygook In My Head
So it's been a very long time since I last posted (63 days if you're really interested). A lot of it has been laziness, but some of it has been inability to focus. I sat down a lot of times these past two months to write a post and all that came out was a jumbled mess. Instead of posting them (I think I was embarrassed or ashamed that my blog posts weren't as witty or well organized as those of my followers...) I deleted them and went to bed. However, I've recently decided blogging is a good activity for me because it causes me to focus on events and reflect on my feelings.
All of this to say, I'm going to try and catch up with the summer in a series of posts. It may be three or four. Maybe more. We'll see. Sorry for the mess of notifications.... :-p
All of this to say, I'm going to try and catch up with the summer in a series of posts. It may be three or four. Maybe more. We'll see. Sorry for the mess of notifications.... :-p
Monday, May 2, 2011
America the ?????
Sometimes I'm not sure how to react to our culture. Tonight it has been confirmed that Usama Bin Laden is dead. I think most will agree this is a great thing. He did (or orchestrated) many awful things over his lifetime. However, I think most people's reactions to this are ridiculous.
No matter how "evil", Bin Laden was a man just like I am. As such, he was a creation of God and deserved decency as much as I do. People cheering for his death makes me sad inside. A human (4 actually if you count his guards and possibly his son) is (are) dead. The world should be happy and we should move forward from here, but we shouldn't have to mock human life to do it.
No matter how "evil", Bin Laden was a man just like I am. As such, he was a creation of God and deserved decency as much as I do. People cheering for his death makes me sad inside. A human (4 actually if you count his guards and possibly his son) is (are) dead. The world should be happy and we should move forward from here, but we shouldn't have to mock human life to do it.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
God's Love
So, tax day is Monday and Matthew learned a valuable lesson. He doesn't really understand anything about how taxes work. He owes much more than he can pay. He is in lots of trouble. Frustrated, he ashamedly turns to his parents for help. Expecting to be humiliated by asking for help and to burden his parents, he begrudgingly called his parents... And once again he was surprised by their wisdom and understanding.
God has a way of doing that. I've always appreciated my parents and had good relationships with them, but, as I get older, I continue to be surprised by their love for me. I am still a child, and they are my parents. How much God must love me to have put me in their lives. How frightening that He loves me more than they do.
God has a way of doing that. I've always appreciated my parents and had good relationships with them, but, as I get older, I continue to be surprised by their love for me. I am still a child, and they are my parents. How much God must love me to have put me in their lives. How frightening that He loves me more than they do.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
EnDoFtHeYeAr
So, things are a little crazy now. Plans are being made, friends are panicking, deadlines are approaching, sleep is departing, and relationships are moving. There's so much to do in so little time. I think I need to talk to Dumbledore about getting a time turner...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
StRaNgE
Today was a strange day. Good, but strange. School is crazy. Assignments are due left and right. I have a test I'm going to fail tomorrow. But, in the midst of it all, great things have been happening. I shed tears today for the first time in eight years. The last time I cried was because of pain. This time? Emotions. As far as I can recall, this is the first time I have ever cried for that reason. A lot of it is because I am a male, but more of it has to do with being an internal-izer. I don't feel like processing much more right now so I'll leave it at that.
Hurray for good talks with a great friend and an even greater God. :)
Hurray for good talks with a great friend and an even greater God. :)
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